A pic of a zombie (you recognize him because he has lost a foot) running after a cyclist

Zombie Apocalypse vs. Road Cycling

Five reasons why I’d rather be stuck among zombies than behind cyclists

There’s a lot of people driving every day, at every hour. From home to work, from work back home. There’s even a lot of people hanging out, but I’m not thinking of them right now.

I know most of you can understand what happens to me when spring kicks winter and summer is nearer and nearer. In winter you need to leave home a little bit earlier, because of icy roads. In spring and summer — even in non-rainy autumn — you… have to do the same, because of cyclists.

I love warm seasons, I love sunshine, blooming nature… but when summer is behind the door, I hate three things: bugs, people that haven’t discovered shower and soap yet and cyclists.

So, I was driving to work a week ago, stuck behind a group of these two-wheels knights and I suddenly thought: “I wish they were zombies”. They’re a plague, they pollute our roads the same way as zombies would do, and they are everywhere, all around us. They never end. On holidays, on weekdays — do these people work, or don’t they?

Zombies would be better, and I’ll give you five reasons to trust me:

  1. They are slower than cyclists, so easier to overtake.
  2. You can run over them without moral and legal repercussions.
  3. You can throw them a brain as a diversion — just in case of need [ be sure you have a passenger for this ].
  4. If we were involved in a zombie apocalypse… there would be no cyclists.
  5. If things go wrong, you won’t be late for work: you won’t arrive at all.

NB: I’m not annoyed by those people who use bicycle as a means to move throughout the city. They’re slow, and they care about their lives and traffic rules. I’m only intolerant to those cyclists who think they can be faster than a car, or those who move in line and don’t allow you to overtake them (really, guys, what’s wrong with you?). Should I talk about cyclists who don’t stop at crossroads?

So, these are my reasons.

But as I am a little heart-tender teddy bear, I made a cake for cyclists too. No, I’m kidding, I just made it because I wanted to find something good behind Road Cycling. I haven’t found anything.

This one is a French dessert, who’s name (Paris-Brest) comes from the cycling event: Paris-Brest-Paris. It’s wheel-shaped and comes from some memories of a past work in Switzerland.

Paris-Brest Recipe

What you need — for pate a choux

• 80 g water [ 1/3 cup ] • 30 g butter [ 2 tbsp ] • a pinch of salt • 65 g flour [ 1/2 cup ] • 1 egg • 1 egg white

What you need — for pastry cream

• 100 g milk [ 1/2 cup ] • 100 g whipping cream [ 1/2 cup ] • 2 egg yolks • 40 g granulated sugar [ 3 tbsp ] • the seeds of a quarter vanilla bean • 20 g flour [ 2 tbsp ] • whipped cream as decoration

What you have to do

Preheat the oven to 190°C [ 374°F ].

Put water and butter on fire, let them boil ‘till butter is completely melted. Add salt, wait some minutes then add sieved flour. You can add it all at a time, or sieved it little by little directly on the saucepan.

When the batter has became a little ball that doesn’t stick to the saucepan, leave it a couple of minutes more and it’s ready. Remove it from fire and put it on a silicone baking mat in order to let it cool a little bit. If you have a food thermometer, check the temperature: it has to be about 50°C [ 122°F ].

Now, transfer the batter in a bowl and start adding eggs little by little, being sure the liquids have been absorbed before adding more.

Put the pate a choux in a pastry bag with a star tip and pipe a 20 cm diameter circle (I have made 10 mini-circles, instead).

Bake it for about 25 minutes trying to put some moisture into the oven (I placed a bowl with some water in)

Meanwhile…

Put milk and whipping cream on fire up to boiling.

Whisk egg yolks with sugar and vanilla, till you have a light cream. Add flour and whisk.

When milk is hot, pour it on the egg cream and put again on fire, stirring gently with a whisk, until your cream is thick enough. Remove from fire and transfer in a clean, cool bowl. Cover with cling film and let it cool down in the fridge.

When your pate a choux circle (or circles) is ready, cut it horizontally. Place cream inside and add some whipped cream as a decoration. You can add fresh fruit too, like berries, cherries or whatever. Cherries in syrup are good too. You can also put some cocoa in your whipped cream, add nuts… all you’re fantasy desires.

Now… are you still annoyed by cyclists? Yes? Me too.

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