A sound case for why Facebook is actually our mums

Things my mum is good at:

  • Remembering birthdays
  • Organising gatherings
  • Long-term, low-level careful surveillance of the precise work/relationship/appearance/breeding status of anyone I have ever been to school with, and of anyone related to them too
  • Turning up embarrassing photos at precisely the wrong moment
  • Keeping really heartwarming photos tucked safely away for just the right moment
  • Monitoring my relationship status
  • Asking me, “What’s on your mind”?
  • Making me feel as if I am the centre of the universe, as if my opinions matter, as if every thought that floats across the vacant space of my mind and every half-formed opinion that teeters through my brain is of real and substantial interest to someone

Things Facebook is good at:

  • Remembering birthdays
  • Organising gatherings
  • Long-term, low-level careful surveillance of the precise work/relationship/appearance/breeding status of anyone I have ever been to school with, and of anyone related to them too
  • Turning up embarrassing photos at precisely the wrong moment
  • Keeping really heartwarming photos tucked safely away for just the right moment
  • Monitoring my relationship status
  • Asking me, “What’s on your mind”?
  • Making me feel as if I am the centre of the universe, as if my opinions matter, as if every thought that floats across the vacant space of my mind and every half-formed opinion that teeters through my brain is of real and substantial interest to someone