An Abbreviated and Less Serious Resume

Summary: I drink and I know things. I know work things while not drinking at work. I know other things too.

Education: I have multiple degrees showcasing my ability to think critically and outside the box just like the thousands of other students in my major thanks to having a curriculum that requires me to repeat the same experiments as everyone else until I am surprised my professors don’t have a nervous breakdown (maybe they do).

1999–2000: I worked in a university library restacking books, listening to bad alternative rock on my portable CD player (with electronic skip protection), and trying not to be nervous around college women because I was a skinny, nerdy, 15 year old boy.

2000–2002: I worked at a department store in the mall. I set sales records while surprisingly not getting in trouble for my shenanigans and only completely exploding at a few moronic customers.

2002–2003: I left the department store to work at a trendy women’s fashion store. Listening to Madonna on repeat for what seemed like an eternity honed my mental fortitude.

2003–2012: The Marines. It was not a rose garden. It was like being in a prison gang, and a fraternity run by Crossfit and MMA addicts.

2012: I was a door guy at a “gentlemen’s club”. There were no gentlemen. There were plenty of skeezy dudes that paid more money in a night for the company of women, than many people make in months.

2012: Began school. I am at least nine years older than my class mates. I literally can’t even.

2012: Security at the worst bar in town. The claim to fame was a frozen concoction of Tang-substitute and grain alcohol that induced projectile vomiting in underage college students.

2013: First engineering internship — making the same thing a few thousands times a day for a few years straight does not excite me.

2014: Second engineering internship — making the same thing a few times a year for a few decades straight does not excite me.

2015: Repeat of 2014.

2016: Final engineering internship — redesigning one thing multiple times a day for a few months straight does not excite me.

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