30 Signs of an Ineffective Toxic Life Coach

Difficult Client or Ineffective Toxic Life Coach? Either one can suck the joy out of your Life Coaching sessions…!

Working as a life coach is one of the most rewarding professions on the planet, but at times we find ourselves with clients who we perceive as difficult and our sessions can turn from joy to frustration. On the other hand, if you are a client who finds your coaching sessions getting more and more heated, read on and see if you can identify any toxic life coaching behaviors.

Yes, working with Difficult Life Coaching Clients can suck the joy out of our coaching sessions, BUT difficult client behavior is not always brought to the coaching relationship by the client. At times it is us, the coach, who triggers negative behaviors and transform a wonderful person into someone who we might perceive as a toxic or difficult client.

Hopefully you don’t recognize yourself in any of points listed below; but if you do, make sure to make it a priority to eliminate that toxic behavior.

Here are 30 signs of toxic or ineffective life coaching practices that might trigger difficult client behaviors:

1. Winging your way through each session.
   Many coaches promote themselves in niches where they can charge higher fees, without being trained to coach such clients (Executive Coaching, Business-Development, Marketing, Public Speaking, etc.). When coaching clients on topics that you can’t relate to, the client will sense the “Blind Leading the Blind” effect and will become a “difficult client”; unfortunately, however, it was you who ignited that behavior.
2. Not listening deeply and constantly interrupting* client well before you truly understand the real issue. Effective coaches listen deeply and are comfortable with silence, letting the client fully express themselves. Each question builds on what you heard from client; perhaps even make sure you understand correctly what you heard — “Let me see if I understand clearly what you are saying…” than repeat back the gist of what you heard. Then build on that conversation from there.
   
   * — Interrupting — or Intruding — has its place in the coaching relationship, but has to be used scarcely, and with client permission. When you catch the client rambling — getting lost in a barrage of words — and you can clearly see that the client is derailed or distracted, ask for permission to interrupt and bring the coaching conversation back to the topic of coaching.
3. Doing most of the talking during the coaching session.
   It is usually a newbie mistake — and a mistake of untrained coaches — talking excessively, trying to show that you are a competent pro. The more you talk, however, the less competent you’ll seem. Your job is to ask insight-provoking questions, listen deeply, and based on what you hear ask more insight-provoking questions that’ll help the client move towards their desired outcome. Listen more, talk less!
4. Asking ineffective questions.
   The power of coaching comes from asking “empowering questions”; questions that provoke the client to think deeply — deeper than they could on their own.
5. Trying to coach each client the same way.
   Some coaches have developed a step-by-step process and try to “force” it on each client, leading them through the same exact steps. Remember, each client is different, and it is the client who decides the direction of the coaching sessions, not your “system.”* An exception to this would be in case of marketing, business, public speaking, and other mentor-type “coaches.” While many call themselves “business coach,” marketing coach, “public speaking coach,” etc.; most of these coaches are actually mentoring their clients and do very little coaching. This is where the coaching profession gets a little murky; BUT, there is absolutely nothing wrong with this type of “coaching,” as long as the clients get exactly what they want to accomplish (or more).
6. You are jumping in with solutions well before the client is ready and force that solution on the client. Our number one goal is to ask Empowering Questions to help client come up with their own solution; when they fail to come up with their own answers, you can ask for permission to suggest some solutions, but it’s up to the client if they want to explore any of your suggestions or not. (Explore possible reasons why the client might feel stuck; perhaps not yet ready to move to the “solutions” stage.)
7. Pushing the client into taking action way too early; and way before the client is ready for action. It is crucial that both you and the client first fully understand the client’s goal(s) and WHY she wants that goal; or understand the client’s frustration and HOW she wants to make changes to eliminate that frustration. Just like seasons in nature, where you can’t force spring in winter, the same applies in coaching — do NOT push the client to take action before she fully “thaws out” and is ready for action.
8. Accepting a client’s unrealistic goal(s).
   I need your help to become a professional singer and make $1Million in the next 6 months.Some clients will approach us with goals that will seem “way out there,” and while we shouldn’t discount those goals instantly, be careful not to accept a client whose goal is obviously 100% unrealistic. “I want to climb Mt. Everest in 90-days and I need a coach to hold me accountable.” If this is a fit 30 year old person with experience of climbing other peaks, go for it! But if this is a 65 year-old person who’s never climbed a mountain in their life, and are out of shape… you are not only setting both of you up for failure, but your client might even lose their life.
   
   * While the above example is extreme (client could die), some clients will have less dramatic unrealistic goal, and you have to be careful Not to accept that client — or at least do not accept the client with their original grand goal — as this WILL lead to the client becoming hostile when in a few months into the coaching relationship it becomes clear that she will not achieve that grand goal.
   
   Examples of unrealistic goals: become a paid speaker and make $250,000 in the 1st year (from a client who’s never spoken in public, has not platform, no book published, etc.); become a best-selling author (from someone who’s not published anything in the past and has no marketing or publicity background); Run a marathon in the next 90 days (someone who is out of shape and has not exercised in years). You could still accept these clients, IF they are willing to first work on an intermediate goal, such as “Let’s help you prepare your first speech and give it to a group of at least 25 people; then we can work towards getting your first paid gig; then we can talk about where you want to go from there. Sometimes we have to help our (potential) clients “get down to earth” and start with more realistic goals…!
9. Holding the client back, based on your levels of comfort.
   We are all different, and some of your clients will want to go paragliding off the top of the Grand Canyon or will want to do bare-knuckle cage fights; whatever that may be, you have to realize that your job is to help them become the best version of themselves they can be, based on theirvalues, goals, and comfort level. Yes, ask them about risks, but keep the tone of your voice non-judgmental.
   * The examples above are a bit extreme, and if you don’t feel comfortable coaching such a client, end the coaching relationship — let them know that you are not the right coach for them. Most clients, however, will not have such extreme goals, but might have goals that are outside of your comfort zone. Remember to Not judge and support the client based on their beliefs, values, and comfort zone.
10. You assume you understand the client’s issue way too early and jump in with follow-up questions — or even worse, with solutions — before you really understand the whole issue at hand. An effective life coach will listen deeply till she fully understands the full picture the client is trying express. Paraphrase what you heard and what you understand and “feed it back” to the client to see if you have a good understanding of what the was shared so far. Do the same when they commit to an action or series of actions — “Let’s review! Based on what I hear, you commit to do xyz and abc — is that what you’ll commit to?”
11. You are jumping in with solutions well before the client is ready and force that solution on the client. Our number one goal is to ask Empowering Questions to help client come up with their own solution; when they fail to come up with their own answers, you can ask for permission to suggest some solutions, but it’s up to the client if they want to explore any of your suggestions or not. (Explore possible reasons why the client might feel stuck; perhaps not yet ready to move to the “solutions” stage.)
12. Pushing the client into taking action way too early; and way before the client is ready for action. It is crucial that both you and the client first fully understand the client’s goal(s) and WHY she wants that goal; or understand the client’s frustration and HOW she wants to make changes to eliminate that frustration. Just like seasons in nature, where you can’t force spring in winter, the same applies in coaching — do NOT push the client to take action before she fully “thaws out” and is ready for action.
13. Accepting a client’s unrealistic goal(s). I need your help to become a professional singer and make $1Million in the next 6 months. Some clients will approach us with goals that will seem “way out there,” and while we shouldn’t discount those goals instantly, be careful not to accept a client whose goal is obviously 100% unrealistic. “I want to climb Mt. Everest in 90-days and I need a coach to hold me accountable.” If this is a fit 30 year old person with experience of climbing other peaks, go for it! But if this is a 65 year-old person who’s never climbed a mountain in their life, and are out of shape… you are not only setting both of you up for failure, but your client might even lose their life.
    .
    * While the above example is extreme (client could die), some clients will have less dramatic unrealistic goal, and you have to be careful Not to accept that client — or at least do not accept the client with their original grand goal — as this WILL lead to the client becoming hostile when in a few months into the coaching relationship it becomes clear that she will not achieve that grand goal.
    
    Examples of unrealistic goals: become a paid speaker and make $250,000 in the 1st year (from a client who’s never spoken in public, has not platform, no book published, etc.); become a best-selling author (from someone who’s not published anything in the past and has no marketing or publicity background); Run a marathon in the next 90 days (someone who is out of shape and has not exercised in years). You could still accept these clients, IF they are willing to first work on an intermediate goal, such as “Let’s help you prepare your first speech and give it to a group of at least 25 people; then we can work towards getting your first paid gig; then we can talk about where you want to go from there. Sometimes we have to help our (potential) clients “get down to earth” and start with more realistic goals…!
14. Holding the client back, based on your levels of comfort. We are all different, and some of your clients will want to go paragliding off the top of the Grand Canyon or will want to do bare-knuckle cage fights — whatever that may be, you have to realize that your job is to help them become the best version they can be, based on their values, goals, and comfort level. Yes, ask them about risks, but keep the tone of your voice non-judgmental.
    
    * The examples above are a bit extreme, and if you don’t feel comfortable coaching such a client, end the coaching relationship — let them know that you are not the right coach for them. Most clients, however, will not have such extreme goals, but might have goals that are outside of your comfort zone. Remember to Not judge and support the client based on their beliefs, values, and comfort zone.
15. You assume you understand the client’s issue way too early and jump in with follow-up questions — or even worse, with solutions — before you really understand the whole issue at hand. An effective life coach will listen deeply till she fully understands the full picture the client is trying express. Paraphrase what you heard and what you understand and “feed it back” to the client to see if you have a good understanding of what the was shared so far. Do the same when they commit to an action or series of actions — “Let’s review! Based on what I hear, you commit to do xyz and abc — is that what you’ll commit to?”
16. Talking down to the client, making them feel inferior. Some coaches — in an attempt to seem “more professional” (and to overcome their insecurities and imposter syndrome) — talk to the client as if they had all the answers. Be careful to keep the relationship “equal.” You are there to coach the client, not to make them feel incompetent or unable to think for themselves.
17. Openly criticizing the client or client’s actions. People hire coaches for their support AND for their non-judgmental and accepting listening and feedback. Make sure NOT to project, or force, your values or beliefs on your client.
18. Get lost in “motivational speeches” or stories; or oversharing personal experiences. Remember, the client pays for your time to coach them, and not to make long speeches or to share long personal (or other) stories.
19. Using superlatives in your language. “I guarantee that if you do this, you’ll see results!” This is the utmost best that you can do to… “You will undoubtedly achieve this, if…” While superlatives can motivate the client, if they don’t get the results they expected — and that you so fiercely promised — they’ll feel like a failure and (potentially) resent you for getting their hopes up. If this happens repeatedly, it’ll definitely have a negative effect on your relationship with this client.
20. Blatantly contradicting the client. During the coaching session you might hear the client say things that you know it’s completely wrong; however, blatantly contradicting the client can generate tension and stall the flow of the session; and for some, it’ll generate resentment and animosity. Remember that (a) very few things in life are Black or White — what you might see as completely false, could be just a different viewpoint… and (b) even if you know you are right (such as feeding a child once a day is absolutely wrong), instead of directly contradicting or criticizing the client’s viewpoint, direct the conversation through empowering questions, and lead client to see the fallacy of their thought process (just like you learned during your life coaching training)
21. Regularly making religious references. This, of course, will not be a problem with all clients, but when coaching a client of a religion that’s different from yours — or a client with no religious beliefs — this can become really annoying and counterproductive.
22. You become defensive and hurt as a result of client feedback that you might perceive as negative or offensive. Occasionally some clients will criticize your approach — your coaching — and this will give you a great chance to step up your coaching “game.” Make sure to stay calm and assure the client that your approach will get results and ask them to trust the process; OR, if you believe there’s another way that’s more appropriate for this client, suggest to “switch gear” — say “Let’s try something else…” It’s crucial not to become defensive or snap at the client. Remember, you are a professional coach — act like one! 😊
23. Step into therapist mode and making the client feel as if they have a mental challenge or act the way they do as a result of a childhood trauma or some other past event. Remember, as a coach your job is to help client go from where she is to where she wants to get, without “playing doctor,” and without dabbling in the past.
24. Give advice that’s outside of the “job description” of a life coach, such as investment, marketing, legal or accounting advice, dealing with severe depression, or other areas where a licensed professional should be giving the advice.
25. Giving client assignments between sessions that are beyond their capabilities and as a result making them feel like they keep failing. If this repeats multiple times, it’s inevitable that their attitude towards their coaching sessions will become “sour” (and might even end the coaching relationship well before they intended).
26. Showing up to meetings unprepared. Not reading past session notes, hence not knowing how to pick up where you left off
27. Showing up to meetings mentally & physically not ready. We get paid the “big bucks” to be present for the client in our best form.
28. Using humor excessively during session. It can be helpful to understand different personality styles and their affinity for humor. Some people naturally do not care for humor or even get annoyed by it; BUT even when coaching someone who appreciates humor, you as the coach should use it sparingly.
29. Not admitting when you screw up. If you say something during the session that you instantly (or later) know that was a big “NO-NO,” don’t try to pretend it didn’t happen. It’s like the “elephant in the room” — you know it and the client knows it — if you avoid talking about it, it’ll poison the relationship. If you do it regularly, it’ll ensure that the client’s satisfaction will diminish. Coaching is a two-way relationship — don’t be afraid to admit it when you slip up!
30. Unprofessional meeting management. If you are regularly doing one of the following, don’t be surprised if the client starts developing some hostility towards you:

a. late from client-meetings

b. cutting meetings short

c. going well beyond the allotted time for your meeting

d. rescheduling meetings regularly

e. complain to the client about being tired, unfocused, in bad mood…

If you have several — or even one of these symptoms — it may be a sign that your “toxic client” is not necessarily the one to blame for their behavior. The good news is, with awareness comes the ability to change. Commit to eliminate any of your own toxic behaviors and commit to becoming the best life coach you can be.