Being A Dad: The 10 Most Important Lessons I’ve Learned Over the Last 28 Years
It is a gift for me to be a father. I became a dad at age 26, in 1988. That makes it almost 30 years. It’s hard to believe.
I had no clue what I was getting into at the time. All I knew is I was madly in love with my college sweetheart, Janice, and had miraculously convinced her to marry me in 1985. Then we had Chris in 2008. “Yes, honey, I’m happy. Now what the hell are we going to do?”
Yikes. This dad stuff can seem kind of scary at first. If you’re a new dad, I hope my short list of lessons learned will help you climb this wicked steep learning curve faster than I did. I sure made a lot of mistakes. So will you. But keep the faith and never give up getting better at this amazing job of a lifetime. We really only get one shot at this.
Our two sons became the most important teachers in my life. Today, Chris and Alex are among my best friends. Both are gainfully employed, living on their own, and self sustaining, except when they “forget their wallets” which seems like a lot. I keep telling them to get a grip. They keep smiling telling me they’ll pay me back. It’s hard to let go of telling our kids what to do. Even when they’re grown up, they’re still our kids.
Sunday nights are my favorite night of the week because that’s the night we get together as a family to have dinner, hang out, play chess, shoot the breeze and help each other out where need be. I learned this Sunday dinner trick from my mom and dad, except I don’t make wearing coat and tie mandatory. I’m a bit more laid back than my parents on some of the rules.
Last year at about this time I wrote an article about our sons on LinkedIn that crushed it. Of the 40+ articles I’ve written and posted on LinkedIn, this one got the most engagement by far. I’m not sure why. But I’m glad it did because I enjoy sharing stories about my journey as a father over the last 28 years, even though it can be scary at times to “get personal.”
Less than an hour ago I shared the following post on my Facebook page. It, too, got a great traction beyond the narrow measure of, “Likes.” I always know I wrote has hit a vein when I get direct messages, emails and calls with comments like, “Wow, that article you wrote hit me at just the right time … Thanks.”
I figured it would be fun to share it with you here, 0n Medium. This post came from the same place in my heart as the LinkedIn article over a year ago.
My greatest joy as a father is being best friends with my adult sons. I am a highly imperfect, super grateful dad. #blessed.
Was just thinking …. rut ro …
I humbly share several of my “lessons learned” after almost 28 years as a dad …
1. Time flies. It is what our sons want and need most from us. Give it freely. Be present for them, no matter how bad it gets.
2. Never give up doing your best. There’s no training manual for dad’s. Just do your best. And it is okay to take seminars, read books, and get coaching, advice, help, counseling.
3. Tell your sons you love them often, hug them and help them think with their hearts, as most women do. Practice and teach empathy, listening, patience.
4. Be consistent with appropriate discipline, consequences, accountability. Time outs are bullshit. Young men starve for us to help them learn how to be responsible adults by testing the boundaries at every turn. This is why male mortality rates are higher than women.
5. Demonstrate right thought, speech and actions. Show young men how to be gentlemen; hand shake, yes please, no thank you, get that door! Thank you notes.
6. Keep your word. If you say you will be at the game, coach the damn team. Ref a game. Volunteer at every level. Be at home with your sons every chance you get. See #1.
7. Teach them whatever it is they want to learn or do, not what you failed to achieve when you were a kid. This is about them.
8. Let your boys fall down and get hurt. Teach them to bounce back. And no, you don’t get a freaking trophy for everything.
9. Real men cry. They can also safely handle guns, motorcycles ping pong and READING BOOKS so they are ready for the real world.
10. The only present I want from my son’s is to know they are happy and healthy, doing their part to make a difference in the world. (Or a list of their goals and how I could help them!)
The end, for now.
There are many other things I have to add to this list. I’m sure I’ve missed many so feel free to leave a comment about your own experience. I’m still learning to be a better dad! I’m coachable.
I’m also learning to be a better storyteller and as you can tell, I’m new to Medium. Again, I remain “coachable” when it comes to being a better writer and storyteller. I will also raise the bar and follow more of you here. I’ve got much to learn.
I made a ton of mistakes as a dad. But I learned. I’ve learned mostly not to regret the past because I am truly grateful for every aspect of my journey. I feel blessed, even though that may sound a little corny, perhaps cliche, to you.
There has never been a time when I felt so much gratitude as a father. I’ve alluded to some of the darker moments that confronted my family. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I am coming to appreciate my own mortality having lost my father just over a year ago. His wife just passed away. People I love are dying. I remember my grandparents, and later, my mom and dad talking about their friends this way; people dying. Now I’m living it.
I am becoming a better father because I want to keep growing and being with them. I only have today.
Here’s what’s going on right now as I wrap this up …
My first born always loves it when I send him a text before 6am, “Yo, I’m driving up to Prescott today for some adventure. Want to go? Free food! And I promise not to tell you what to do any more! :-)”
I’m still waiting to hear back. Could be another “solo” adventure today.
I always appreciate your comments and feedback here and @Clifford_Jones.