It’s OK to say I’m not OK

Depression can come on quick and it takes lives, just like any illness if we don’t catch it in time. Earlier this week, I watched Matt Shirtcliffe’s TEDxAuckland: Reaching out to mental wellness — please, make sure you watch it.

Some of us are lucky to be communicators and naturally talk about how we are really feeling. Others of us simply cannot. No amount of advice and guidance from our friends and family will get us to where we need to be. We need professional help or to talk to someone who holds no opinions, but reaching out can be hard, perhaps pride or shame gets in the way.

In recent years, I personally have experienced harder challenges and after a tough stint, I said to a friend, if I wasn’t me, I would be in a much different place right now. By that, I mean I am a communicator. I talk. Sometimes too much. I do tend to reach out to my dearest people about the internal protests that I’m experiencing and I really encourage those in my life to do the same, but words are easier than actions.

There have been a couple of times this year when I have been in quite a dark place (I am not saying I was clinically depressed, I wasn’t, but it wasn’t in a good place) I didn’t want to share my thoughts and feelings with anyone because I thought they were silly, my own fault and that no one could help me get to where I needed to be, but myself.

One Saturday evening I was getting my wares ready for a local market that I ran. I had done all the prep and promotion, and was feeling good about the next day, but there was a dark cloud cast above my head and that I couldn’t shift. I decided to reach out to my friend Joe who has guided me over hurdles and decisions for over four years now. I’ve never physically met Joe in person — some people find this weird because I connect with Joe via Skype regularly — but he is my dear friend’s partner and an incredible soul that has supported me so much, so there’s no way I’d listen to other opinions on this one!

I got up at 5am on a Sunday morning (Joe lives in the States and I lived in New Zealand), we Skyped and talked about my feelings of worry, anxiety, sadness, fear of the unknown and leaving NZ to start a new life in the Netherlands. It was so refreshing to talk, to show my vulnerability, to say I am not OK and that I’m worrying too much. Then to have someone help me define tactics and focus on making this transition work as best as possible. It would be hard, but I had to try not to get bogged down in the detail and instead, focus on my own personal journey. I then talked to my Mum. She had been there for me throughout the transition phase thus far — I think she’s where I get my worrying soul from. I told her about my conversation with Joe, she pretty much reiterated all of his points and as ever, stood by me and supported me (even though I have emotionally toyed with her for the last seven years. NZ — home. NZ — Holland. At least Holland is closer to the UK!!).

Quite often we’re aware of what we should do and how we should act and often, hearing advice from someone neutral and less emotionally involved is the best medicine. But if we aren’t the one struggling with our minds; signs of depression; the heavy load of life; tension from others, then we need to be empathetic to those that might be. My mum taught me that you never know what is going on in someone else’s life, so try to take a step back and be there for them, put yourself in their shoes.

Mental illness still has all sorts of stigmas and wrong connotations attached to it. Society often believes it’s an overly used term for those that aren’t ‘really’ depressed. In some cases, maybe, but maybe not. Unfortunately, society doesn’t know how someone is feeling, so you/me cannot judge. The world we live in is full of stress and pressures that weren’t around 20–30 years ago, life throws us curve balls all the time and depression is an illness that needs to be treated. We need to talk about it more. At home; in schools; with kids; with partners. What would life be like if we taught kids yoga and meditation at a young age? They’d probably approach all of the above a lot differently and have more positive experiences during tough times.

So today, please ask someone how they really are. If you think they aren’t in a good place, listen. If you think they are in a good place, listen. They might be telling you a fib. A lot of the time listening to hear what someone is saying (not what you want to hear) is all that’s needed. We all need to be more empathetic and normalise what depression and mental illness actually is. Collectively, we can work toward eradicating it(or at least minimised) from today’s chaotic and overly publicised world we live in. Don’t believe every picture you see on Facebook as truth that someone is truly happy…