Why do men cheat?
Apparently men are more afraid of sexual betrayal than emotional one. Supposedly women feel it the other way around and are far more afraid of emotional betrayal. It’s just supposed, because when you start thinking about cheating on your partner, you know exactly that there is no form of betrayal that hurts less.
What does the psychological science have to say about this?
If you had to choose, which form of betrayal would hurt you more? Is sexual or emotional form of it more dreadful to you? Which one would bring your relationship to an end?
Most people will respond that both emotional and sexual betrayal brings relation to its end. There is no difference whether you ask a woman or a man. Each adultery is acute and agonizing. What if you had to choose, what would hurt you more?
Studies show that women faced with this questions respond differently than men. Men think that sexual betrayal definitely hurts more. They wouldn’t be able to forgive the sexual betrayal twice more often, compared with emotional betrayal.
Accordingly to the same research, women tend to see emotional betrayal as worse. They were over twice more often willing to end the relationship, assuming that their partner cheated on them physically then emotionally.
Psychologists explain these differences from evolutionary point of view. Personally in this case, I think that being forced to choose is anything but natural. Each kind of betrayal hurts. It’s hard to say, that one may feel more innocent after committing emotional rather than physical infidelity. I don’t think it works like that. But again, why do men cheat?
I cheat because I want to prove a point.
This is one of the most common infidelity motives from the cinema. Senescent guy suffering from the mid-age crisis. Against all odds, he is trying to prove to himself that he is still worthy of something. His head is full of ideas. Some buy a convertible, some go for the “side chick”.
Maybe you see it as a total cliché, but think twice. Haven’t you seen in your life even one guy, who brought this scenario to life? He can’t deal with the evanescence. Is panically afraid to lose his masculinity. Affair, infidelity and a lot younger partner is the cure for getting old.
The worst thing is, that he doesn’t take into consideration the feelings of his life partner. He might still think that he loves her, still wants to be with her. He just needs a short break. A challenge that will stop the time.
Probably you think it’s a bit silly. And that’s exactly how it is. Many men can age with dignity. They end up hurting those, they love the most. They act extremely selfishly. They don’t think straight and acknowledge that, this is their biggest issue.
Peter Pan who isn’t growing up any time soon.
Some men have “the problem” and don’t want to become an adult. I mean, mostly their struggle is decision making. They can’t close certain stages, end friendships and move on. They keep coming back to the time when their life use to be so carefree.
Those are ‘the everlasting boys’ who can’t resist the betrayal, when opportunity presents itself. Sometimes it’s just a smile, the innocent gaze or accidental conversation in the coffeehouse. Then everything goes back to the old ways. Very often, no pricks of conscience.
After all, it’s just sex, right? It wasn’t infidelity, it was just a fling. You have to live in the now, don’t look back. You’re the one I love, the other one is just a meaningless rebound from the routine. I came back to you, again, as I always do…
It’s terrible, but some people are stuck in toxic relationships for years. He promises amendment, she pretends to believe him and lets him come back. But the boy never becomes a man. He will never resist the opportunity that presented itself.
I find hard to come up with a solution to all this. Men who cheat like that, most often, are in a relationship with someone who allows this to happen. They know their sins will be forgiven. They have the safe haven, where they can come back to, very comfortably.
The only remedy is to take the haven away. Definite over is sometimes a resolution. There’s no point in waiting until it happens. If you know that your man has some issues, you have to bring it to his attention. Learn how to say no. Give him a chance, but trace a line. Don’t wait till the milk spills, make the move and take the first step.
The invisible man.
This is the kind of betrayal that we’re not so eager to talk about. I am not going to justify men, who cheat this way. I also don’t claim that the fault is on the partner’s side. The fault is on both sides.
He is unable to communicate his desires. She doesn’t pay attention to him. It’s not only about cravings and sexual needs. Sometimes it’s just about emotions, plain conversation. The things a man fails to find in his relationship, start to look for … but on the outside.
It may happen at the most unexpected moment. Business trip, work event, just a normal rail travel. Sometimes this man is just looking for a conversation partner, sometimes he searches for closeness.
It’s not the kind who is in search of physical contact. This is not primarily about the sex. At least it doesn’t start this way. That guy feels the void in his relationship. He has the urge to fill in the void with something.
Most people think that the partner is to blame. I believe it’s bullshit. When a man can’t stand up for himself, there’s no surprise that the partner doesn’t perceive him as manly. As far as my opinion is concerned, they’re both guilty.
She is guilty because she stopped seeing him. He became invisible. Maybe it’s the routine, maybe he has stopped trying. He is guilty for not winning her affection. He gave in, which in her eyes, is equal to castration.
I am not sure, if you also get this feeling, but I see more and more men cheating this way. They seem too emotional for today’s world. The truth is, the times were always the same, it was never better. Those are the men, who put on warm house slippers too soon and emotionally retire.
If you ask me, there’s no point in feeling sorry for them. It’s their fault as well. Blaming your partner for everything is a sign of weakness. It’s another reason which belittles their manhood. The question remains, with who these men are cheating on their partners? Maybe they should start going the extra mile in their own relationship?
I cheat on you, to hurt you.
The last example, which I want to talk about, is revengeful betrayal. Usually done by men, who really don’t believe in themselves. They keep crying for attention and showing their domination.
It’s their chance to shine. The partner is just a background. She should lean out too much. Each betrayal should show her what she deserves. Its purpose is to hurt her. It is a very despicable, aggressive type of betrayal.
It might happen for various reasons. Sometimes it’s as simple, as an argument. That’s how he vents his anger on her, maybe because his career life is in danger. This is the way to cheat for unconfident men and those with very low self-awareness level.
They don’t understand themselves. Therefore they don’t get others as well. They might seem like they’re wandering between their choices and decisions. Their choices can even be contradicted. They of course don’t see that, because there were never “in touch” with their feelings.
Those are very tough life partners. They hurt for various different reasons. Even though they don’t understand their own feelings, they are masters at giving other emotional pain. In that case, there’s a vast amount of causes to cheat.
Men of that type are capable of putting the blame on the partner. They do it differently than the previous type. They’re aggressive and definite. They’re not crying for forgiveness, but they’re accusing partner of pushing them into infidelity.
In relationships like that there’s a big portion of aggression and frustration. There’s the constant tension and uncertainty. It’s hard to say why women agree to all this. It’s a topic for another post. Now, try to think of a man of that type. Do you know anybody like this?
Any conclusions?
Man cheat for various reasons. I’ve showed you some unfaithful types. I’ve tried to describe the extreme, so that you can look for some other reasons yourself. I have no doubts about the fact that each act of infidelity comes with the great suffering. The sad part is, that most of unfaithful men doesn’t realize that.
Their selfishness comes in different shades. Some of them tries to fight with their complexes, some look for other solutions of their problems. The problem is somewhere much deeper.
They can’t see how they’re hurting the significant other. They don’t see their behavior from the perspective of the person they love the most. Cannot control their feelings and desires. They are unable to do it, because they don’t care for their self-awareness.
It really doesn’t matter, if it’s the sexual or emotional betrayal. Every single one hurts and is simply wrong. No excuses here. Infidelity comes from weakness. Not everyone has the courage to get to know it and understand it better. You have to have the guts to do it.
