Powerful Coaching Conversations

Connection with your clients

This blog has been written to support ‘post workshop’ reflection of practitioners with the Youth Sport Trust. It focuses on the value and process of relationship building in coaching/mentoring conversation.

Note: there weren’t many photos from the gig so please forgive the pose below, I have no idea what I was doing at this point…

Introductions

Relationships don’t become fully immersive and all embracing over night, they take time to develop, nurture and evolve… BUT what if you don’t have time. What is time is sparse and the number of touch points you have with a client (bet that a teacher, coach, official etc) is limited, what then.

There are no exact answers and there are no magic pills for this, but there are things we can do to increase the likelihood of a true connection forming quickly and a bond of trust resulting from the way you engage. So sorry – you may not get the silver bullet answers here.

HOWEVER – what I will share is some ideas which may inform your practice to help build relationships that work.

To fall in love with anyone, do this!

Yes it is actually a thing, google it! Well don’t, not just yet as it will take you away from this blog and I don’t want that (ha ha).

In 1997 an article titled ‘The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness’ was published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin (full reference below). In this article the author provided a protocol for creating ‘closeness’ a deeper liking for OTHERS… see method below:

NOTE – The authors emphasise, the goal of their procedure was to develop a temporary feeling of closeness, not an actual on going relationship (although in a pervious study buy the same authors with a similar protocol – one couple did go on to get married)!

The self-discloser/relationship building tasks mentioned in the above method were 36 questions, split into 3 sets. Each set deepening in their nature for ‘self-disclosure’.

Why is this relevant, no its not really about ‘falling in love’, but is about connecting with people on a deeper level. See what these authors found, is that in just 45min, pairs of strangers could create a deeper connection through reciprocal sharing, just through ‘turn taking’ and responding to preset questions….

Quote from the article:

“One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personalistic self-disclosure”

So what does this mean for your practice as a mentor/coach. Some key messages:

• Sustained – ensure that in your connections with your clients you are invested over time (between meetings and within meetings)
• Escalating – gradually deepen the level of questions you ask to draw out more about the person and their context (beyond thoughts)
• Reciprocal – turn take, ask good questions and invite questions to be asked of you, this will help in the ‘knowing’ of each other
• Self-Disclosure – whilst traditional mentoring would not see you share a great deal of your personal/professional worlds in this context share relevant ‘helpful’ life stories that add value to the relationship.

In our workshop we used just 6 questions (2 from each set) over a 20min period of reciprocal sharing and all participants reported an increased level of closeness at the end of the activity.

Reference: Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363 – 377

Stages of a Mentoring Relationship

Kathy Kram ‘Professor of Organisational Behaviour back in the 1980/90’s described 4 stages of a mentoring relationships:

Stage 1 – Initiation

The relationship becomes of increasing importance to both client and mentor. This is where common ground is formed, trust building, may begin quite informally and leads to a needs check and contacting.

Stage 2 – Cultivation

Here optimum benefit from the relationship is gained, meetings become progressively more useful. There can be mutual gain and collaborations may occur through shared working opportunities.

Stage 3 – Separation

This is reached when there is a big change to the structure of the relationship e.g. client outgrows the relationship, is more confident/self-reliant. The client gains autonomy over self.

Stage 4 – Redefinition

The original mentoring relationship has been made redundant and a new one may form (either with the original mentor or a new one). There may be some discomfort felt in this change period.

Some Key Messages: Its important to be aware that each of these stages can take between 6 months and 5 years. So don’t beat yourself up if you don’t get where you desire as quick as you expect. The first stage may take 6–12 month and you may only see real progress after meeting 4 (it always seemed to be the case for me).

Note: this research was based on the interviews of managers in work place mentoring schemes.

5 Levels of Communication

John Powell, in his book – Why I am Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? describes five levels of communication. Powell suggested that we are unlikely to tell others who we REALLY are because we fear they may not like us… therefore we reveal ourselves in stages/levels. An understanding of these levels is essential for anyone looking to build strong relationships.

Graphic Adapted – from the writing of ‘John Powell’ in his book – Why am I afraid to tell you who I am?

Here are some key messages associated with each stage:

1. This is the small talk – its needed as the starter for deeper conversations, but be purposeful with what you ask and remember the answers. Don’t ask people were they live, to then forget and ask again later or in another session.
2. Process and parameters – its a good place to find out the facts of the situation. The project outcomes, the resources available the tasks that need doing, you can also firm up how your relationship will work over time (your rules of engagement).
3. Opinions and Thinking – When we get to ‘thinking’ we are making progress. When people start to share what they think about a situation, challenge or even those they work with we know trust is forming as they are releasing information that can bite them later.
4. Feelings and Motions – here we are starting to understand ‘who’ a person is. How they have come to BE, what effects their views and what their views ‘really’ are. Be a listener in this space and do not show excessive agreement or disagreement – just take it in.
5. High Risk – be aware that this is a ‘high risk’ space. If your client has invested their story in you and at this point you change your view on things, you could break not only this relationship but also effect how the client builds relationships in the future. Trust is high!

Please don’s skip a level, going into a conversion at a level above where your relationship is without the right lead in can show poor emotional intelligence and a lack of awareness as to h0w you are actually getting on…

A Framework for Conversations

With all that now said it would be remiss of me not to offer a model for developing relationships ‘Quickly’. Whilst these things cannot be rushed we can speed up the process by using the 4 C’s of building rapport. This framework for conversation just gives you a head start when it comes to connecting…

Key Messages:

1. You may be able to start before you arrive. Consider how you might look for ‘me too’s’ before you meet. How can you gather these with good introductory questions that open the client to sharing things that allow for mutual sharing.
2. Sharing through questions – the quality of your question will be judged by the receiver. If you can ask good questions that show an understanding and appreciation for their situation then a connection is more likely to form – because you get them!
3. Alignment between what you say and how you say it - in terms of tone, intonation, pace and language. Of equal importance is body language, how are you sitting, does it convey the same message as your words?
4. Don’t forget me – I appreciate you may not be able to afford a great deal to your clients beyond the formal relationship. But please give them an ‘in’ to re-engage should they need to. If they believe you are just coming in to do X and then leaving, they may well question how much you care.. an if you don’t, why should they. Can you build in shared experiences?

Closing with Trust

What we are really talking about is trust and can we build it quickly…. That’s down to you and how you work, however you may want to consider these three phase of trust building..

• Deterrence-based Trust – this begins with contracting, providing certainty on how you will work together and committing to this.
• Knowledge-based Trust – through a constant display of ‘Trustworthy’ behaviours the client ‘trusts’ they knowing you!
• Identity-based Trust – here you will have developed a shared identity as ‘coach and coachee’, they feel you ‘know them’

Massive thank you to YST team for supporting this workshop…

Kurt Ewald Lindley – examining varied sources to gain