Angst Of The Task

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I can remember a time when the angst of a task overtook me. It consumed me. It derailed me. It sent me into a feedback loop of overthinking leading to depressive states. Climbing out of it, I would discipline myself for months at a time. Then again, the loop reared its ugly head. The angst continued to appear. Was I sabotaging myself with my own thoughts? Did I expect to fail? Did I expect to backslide? Did I believe I could be more? Did I believe in myself and what I could be?

Of course there was some belief. But not enough. And I continued to go back and forth, up and down, two steps forward and three steps back. It wasn’t until I understood at a deeper level this angst of the task wasn’t going to go away. I was going to need to submit it daily. I wasn’t going to win every day, either. There were days it will get the best of me. But if I could bring up my percentages to 90–95% of the time, that would be a win.

That has been a small part of my life. A glimpse into what has molded and shaped me. Resistance to become all that I was destined to be. Resolve to overcome the resistance. Fear leading to backslide. Resistance again taking a hold of me. Resolving again to overcome. A pattern of years and years of agonizing suffering, wondering if this was my path. Was my life going to be a continual and drastic up and down. I’m not talking about the normal up’s and down’s of life. I’m talking about a deep, dark abyss characterizing the lows. This wasn’t something I was fond of and thought practically about the situation. This isn’t a life worth living if this is my existence.

So, again I resolved. I resolved to test myself by committing to be the best I could be. This time I was more serious than any previous attempt. I started to trust the guide within me to bring me to the people, opportunities, and places I needed to grow. I began to trust I was capable of meeting these people and things with everything needed to prosper. I began to trust myself. Sure, doubt crept in. But I had a different mojo, now.

Fast forward and I don’t suffer anymore. Not like that. I haven’t gone through any depressive periods of my own doing. I have leveled up if you will. The checkpoint has been reached. And now, the next intention is to dive deep into my intuition. To go with my intuition wherever it leads me. I mean it this time. Coupled with setting intentions, I am surrendering to curiosity of the path intuition carves out.

It should be a wild ride. Everything I need is inside of me. That’s a lesson for everyone. No task is beyond your capabilities with which you are presented. It will be rough, but it will be worth it.