Discipline & Good Habits Saved My Life
Back in time almost 5 years — Depression — Suicide
This is why #disciplineequalsfreedom #obstacleistheway are guiding principles and my choice in life. Because I’ve been in the places below far too often (0–2014) — And coming out of the darkness — the innermost cave where the “demons, dragons, and beasts live inside of us” I have learned very valuable lessons — And anyone can do this if they allow themselves to do so.
It’s a process of self-discovery — a process (for me at least) that involved self-sabotage and overcoming the greatest enemy of all (myself) and turning the enemy into an ALLY. It’s a difficult task but at the end is your greatest treasure — and with that treasure we are indebted to the world — to give of ourselves fully in whatever way we are called to do. (See Joseph Campbell’s work on the Hero’s Journey)
This is my WHY — this is why I do it — because the feeling of ending your own life — that feeling — although it is more “normal” than we’d like to think; I had been there (like many others) and it was REAL. And knowing the world is full of opposites, the other side gave me hope that if I can somehow make it through — if I can somehow get out of my own way — the ideal of my life could shine through and I COULD make a difference.
Below is a journal entry from December 2011 — I’m grateful for the process because it gives perspective — hopefully someone who isn’t living the disciplined life that is living in anxiety and depression can learn from my lessons in inaction and discipline.
Discipline and Action have saved my life — but at any point of veering off of this path I will fall back — that’s enough motivation to keep going — it’s enough of a reminder WHY I am the way I am now.
Why do you get up at 315am? Because it’s better than this…
Journal Entry: December 16th 2011
Numb. Not like Pink Floyd either. This isn’t comfortable at all. Constant stress. Constant suicide scenarios cloud reality. I’m turning into an emo kid? Am I? Who the fuck am I? I sure as hell know it’s not the person who I have been busy being. Fuck, man. I thought, the whole fucking day about killing myself. The whole day! My physiological system HAS to be all fucked up. If there was a button to end my existence it would already have been pushed today. I tell ya, the only thing stopping me right now is an effective method. Isn’t that sad? Not pity, but sad how I can actually type this in all seriousness? If my family saw this they would me horrified because they love me so much.
Numb, numb to reality
I said fuck it a long, long time ago,
I gave up on me,
I lived in peace
On the road to a shitty destiny,
A life that wasn’t worth livin’
Dreams, about killin’
The person controllin’ this motherfucking ride
I wake up every day and feel dead inside
The moment has come, it’s down to this
It’s my last breath, here I’ll blow you a kiss
Last day of the struggle
No mo’ pain, no mo’ hustle
The dreams you had will never be real
The pain you had, you will always feel
#Whatsyourwhy #whatareyourwounds #disciplineequalsfreedom #disciplinesavedmylife #habitssavedmylife
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