Hero’s Journey: I’m Home
I just wanted to help others.
To play a part in reducing suffering.
To be a symbol of positivity.
To be a beacon of right action.
To lead the way.
Getting to the root of the trauma through RPR and complete openness and surrender to the individual has been life-changing.
This experience of exchange is the most real thing in my life.
Nobody could deny the power in those moments of clarity.
Nobody could deny the energetic release felt in the room during a pure traumatic release.
I am built for this.
My entire life has been on this path.
It may have taken some twists and turns.
I may have joined the crowd for a brief stint.
I may have questioned why I was even alive.
I questioned the purpose of existing all together.
I contemplated suicide more than I can count.
I was depressed on an off for nearly ten years.
I put myself through nearly unbearable suffering.
I became numb to emotion.
There were times where I prayed to whatever would listen.
I sat there and pleaded with whatever God cared.
I promised I would do better.
I promised I wouldn’t keep missing the mark.
I surrendered and asked to just, for a second, feel SOMETHING.
The numbness took over and there was no joy and no sadness. There was nothing. I was empty. But I felt so heavy. I felt the weight of the world. I felt the weight of an entire army on my back. I became an alien in my own mind and body. I came to believe the voice in my head was me. And I let it run the show. Little did I know at the time this was my fragile ego dancing its dance. Pure survival mode in a safe world was the result.
I was frozen.
I didn’t go outside.
I didn’t go to class.
I made up reasons for not doing things.
I lied to keep myself from facing anything.
I didn’t answer my family’s phone calls.
What could I say?
I was completely numb.
They would have been talking to nothing.
I avoided nearly all of my responsibilities until I was in the deepest corner.
Then, I found my discipline to move forward.
I’d pick myself up and find a way.
Somehow, when there is no running away we fight. We flee the danger.
This is the death ground strategy.
This process continued on and off for years.
I was the cause of my suffering. What’s even worse is the suffering I endured sometimes spilled into the world and I knew it was my doing.
This is why we isolate.
This is why we seclude.
We don’t want to become a burden.
We don’t want to add suffering to other people.
Although there is some Truth in there, it isn’t the whole story.
We need each other. But some friends are not Friends. Some family is not Family. If we do not feel completely safe we will not open up. Most people do not know how to let the suffering release the trauma. The Friend and Family member must simply be there. Be there to listen. Be there to hold the other. Be there detached and out of the way. It is not a “heroic” action. It is a flowing non-action to be in the presence of someone suffering and allow the trauma to be released.
I knew I was the cause of my suffering.
But I also knew I was the solution.
No antidepressant would “fix” me. I didn’t need fixing. I needed to shed my skin. I needed to allow the expansion that I continued to push down into the darkest recesses of my psyche unleash.
I rejected the pills.
Maybe I was too proud.
Maybe I was too stubborn.
But the Truth was evident.
It was up to me to step forward. Maybe the pills would have given me an extra push. And for many people that works. I’ve got no judgment upon anyone. Do what is useful.
Pills weren’t the answer. There is no answer. There are questions. There is faith in stepping forward into the darkness. That’s it. I knew I needed to grow out of and escape the prison I constructed.
This isn’t easy for people around you to stomach. We are social creatures. We want to help each other. When someone you care about is struggling, you want to help reduce their load.
The rejection of pills and the acceptance of my being the solution would either become my prideful and stubborn downfall or the genesis of metamorphosis.
To be clear, I didn’t do this myself.That would be near impossible. I received guidance along the way, as we all do. But ultimately, it was up to me to walk into the darkest part of the forest. I finally let go of the branch on the edge of the cliff and fell into the forest. Sure, it hurt when I landed. I was bruised, hurt, and scarred. But I was alive. I could step forward now.
I felt weak because I was holding on for so long.
But I wasn’t weak.
I was just fatigued.
I was in fact stronger than I could have ever imagined and given myself credit for.
It would take some time to rejuvenate this strength but I knew eventually it would come back.
I reminded myself of how a bamboo tree grows.
I too was the bamboo tree after letting go of the branch at the edge of the cliff.
It was time to ground myself in discipline and water the ground in which I stepped, dropping seeds to later blossom.
Walking into the darkness was something I was familiar with. In the past I was thrust into it but this time I chose it. This cannot be understated. I chose this path. Before life gave it to me and I rejected it. But now it was mine. I owned it. Extreme ownership.
I wasn’t going to procrastinate this assignment. This time was different. I surrendered to this path and everything it would bring. I had tried “my way” for too long with no result but suffering. I ran back into “security” or I froze. But this journey was different. It had to be. It was life or death at this point. If I failed this, it would be final. In all likelihood I would have ended my life. Because when you “try” everything and nothing works, what’s the point of continuing?
My elixir was I resolved to do anything and everything this time, unlike all previous attempts. There was still so much to learn. Many more skills to earn competence. Much more faith to accomplish the mission. And, most of all, the death and surrender of who I thought I was to become who I AM.
I needed to completely die and be reborn.
This journey was a return to myself.
This return would grant me the skeleton key to open all doors for the rest of my life.
Opportunities, abundance, and flowing love were there to be received.
However, this Hero’s Journey would ask all of me.
It would kill parts off me, never to be resuscitated.
It would generate painful change.
It would make way for growth whether I liked it or not.
I had doubts throughout this entire katabasis.
This was the journey my life depended upon going all the way.
There was no turning back.
But I still had fear.
I still had doubts.
I wanted it to be over and be “ok.”
But it wasn’t going to that easy.
What transpired was an abundance of lessons learned.
A fool in his folly becomes wise.
I was granted my wish to escape the forest.
Ask and you shall receive. What they don’t tell you is you will get what you ask for. It will come in mysterious ways. You will need to decipher the lessons for the Truth behind the illusions. This process is alchemical. You are a manifester of opportunities. Then, you decipher the code.
And finally, you make connections to everything so it can be used further down the road.
This is where “learn something new every day” comes into deep meaning.
Opportunities and lessons are present many times throughout the course of an “average” day. It is up to the individual to decode the mysterious.
Life is funny that way.
God has a great and never-ending sense of humor.
Most of us simply don’t get the joke.
We are too defensive.
We resist and become rigid.
Rigidity is death.
Fluidity is life.
And so I am here, today.
I’m a Coach.
I’m a Guide.
I’m a Man.
I am someone who went to the darkest part of the forest.
I’ve returned with every lesson.
I’ve returned with the gifts.
And now I’m back home.
I am here with you.
Lean on me.
I’ve crossed the threshold.
No longer do I wonder if I will be understood.
You’re always welcome back home.