The Perfectionist: The Worst Inner Critic of All Times

Throughout my life, I have always been under constant pressure to accomplish. It does not matter what I do, as long as I do it perfectly.

As a child, nothing I did was “Good enough”. It was impossible to gain my parents’ “Approval” or “Love”. Even as an adult, approval is conditioned with achievement, while working full time to entertain their daily demands.

With time, no matter what I achieve, I was never satisfied. There was always a feeling of emptiness. As a result, I lost the ability to enjoy life. Even as I am writing this, I am resisting the urge to make it “Perfect”. I abandoned anything that did not meet my extremely high standards. Ultimately, the fear of failure disabled me. I was completely paralyzed, and the pain of NOT achieving was slowly, but surely destroying my soul.

As a man passionate about self-growth, I realized that I cannot grow any further unless I address this. I just turned 26, I am glad that I have plenty of time for adjustments. Though I have to admit, my perfectionism deserves credit for some of the success up to now. If anything, I am grateful.

A quote I read somewhere describes it perfectly,

“Perfectionism saved me from drowning, but it didn’t help me to swim.”

And so I had to confront the monster my childhood created,

Perfectionism:
They won’t admire you, unless you accomplish. They won’t respect you, unless you keep on winning. They won’t love you until you become perfect.

Myself:

That’s what I thought all these years, I took your words for granted. I feared that I would be left behind if I wasn’t good enough. I thought that; what I gain from accomplishment would be taken from me in defeat. That’s why I could never afford to be second place.

Perfectionism:

You either win or lose everything, remember? That’s the way you’ve been living so far.

Myself:

I was planning to live my life that way, but I can no longer do that…

Perfectionism:

What are you saying? You don’t need me anymore? Don’t forget that we came this far because of me, I showed you reality, and you accomplished a lot with those maps I gave you.

Myself:

Yeah, I probably did not understand. I tried to keep the ones I love by proving my capabilities. Back then, that was the only way I knew. Only seeking success, abandoning everything else. I lost sight of why I wanted to stay strong and win. And that weakness … is what created you.

Perfectionism:

…

Myself:

What I already lost will never come back … and if this continues; I am going to lose what’s really important. I cannot sit here and watch you destroy me…Move aside.

The older version of myself focused on winning only. Now, I am shifting my focus towards enjoying the game instead.

Have you struggled with perfectionism? Share with me your story.