5 lbs can weigh a whole lot heavier

Earlier this week, I went to my first acupuncturist ever to possibly help with fertility. He was an older, Chinese acupuncturist male who told me that I was in normal BMI range but said I was overweight….for an Asian female. (weeks ago, my western Fertility physician said my test results came back healthy and did not say anything about my weight or BMI).

“You’re fatter than normal Asian women. That could make it harder for you to get pregnant.”

It was absurd…but still, I let it affect me; I became acutely aware of my weight gain of 5 lbs. in the last year — happy weight? Not so happy about it now.

Then it started seeping into my skin, my mind…everywhere. Like a zombie walking around with only “brains” on their mind. When I’m putting on clothes. When I’m having sex. When I’m looking at older photos- everywhere, I’d see the imperfect parts of my body that I hate: my belly- my mid torso. Gah, that damn body fat. Damn those 5 lbs!

Vulernable with my husband

If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that being vulnerable and getting things off my chest and mind, really creates so much space and love.

So during this glorious Saturday morning, a nice sunny break from all this rain, while in bed, I pushed myself to share with my husband about what’s been on my mind.

How I felt unhappy with my body.

How I felt bad because he deserves the sexy, fit woman that I was when he first met me.

How paralyzingly it was to have resistance to changing what I don’t like- how counterintuitive.

For my husband with a fantastic physique: smooth skin, big muscles and rock hard abs, it’s natural that I want to be sexy for him.

He said “Baby, I didn’t marry you because of your body. Though I think it’s very sexy. We’ll always have more or less; our body will go through changes, especially when we become parents. I love you for you, no matter what. I think you’re so sexy.”

If there was a shelf for my husband’s “Best Husband Award”, his shelf would be FILLED with gold trophies.

He gives me the acceptance, at times, I forget to give myself.

I have to keep reminding myself that; to let that message battle out the previous toxic that my body-shaming ex told me, “Every day you don’t exercise, you’re jeopardizing our relationship.” It’s a subtle struggle that I overcome whenever it comes up.

To my health/fitness friends:

I know what I should do. Suck it up.

Do green smoothies in the morning.

Eat more veggies.

Do I want it bad enough?

Smaller portions.

Keep my body moving.

Do I want it bad enough?

Find accountability workout partners.

I don’t know about you but theoretically knowing these things is much different from letting the emotional blockage get in the way.

  • The parallel for my husband was the tall stack of mail that kept piling up. He knew he had to do something about it- maybe even little by little. But it was overwhelming, even paralyzingly to even start. Eventually, when we got to the bottom of the “emotional why”, the awareness of the blockage helped him plow through.

There’s always an “emotional why”.

So what’s my “emotional why” blocking becoming healthier?

I mean, it’s the only area in my life, health, that’s my weak point. All other areas. I’m able to face head on: self-awareness, business, relationships, vulnerability, organizing, having my shit together.

To lay it all out there: I’ve had a struggle with my body most of life- not health wise, but just the acceptance of it. My body weight has always slightly fluctuated.

But if I was to peel back a deeper layer — I felt detached from my body most of my life. Being sexually abused can have that effect; you don’t realize that you bought the lie of not owning your body until a random moment looking out the window on a rainy day or an epiphany during a therapy session.

The journey of feeling empowered, owning your body, your voice and your light..it’s quite a life-time journey. Ah…

So now that I’ve uncovered all that….What’s my motivation?

I want to grow old with Felix, milking as much time together in this lifetime.

I want to be healthy for my children; to give birth and to be around to see them grow.

You noticed that my motivations are based on others; my loved ones- yours might be different. But that’s the point- only you own your motivations.

So my husband continually encourages me by working out with me.


Any one who’s ever been unhappy with their body at one point in their life, knows this:

Sometimes, 5 lbs can weigh a whole lot heavier.