When I was in my early 20s, I thought I wanted a certain kind of man. I wanted a “suit & tie” guy.
What I didn’t know was this: you’re better off with the kind of person you NEED. Not the kind of person you want. And, the Universe/God (whatever you choose to call It) will give you the type of person you NEED.
My husband and I have been together for 14 years. He’s NOT a “suit & tie” guy. We’ve shared lots of highs and many lows. And through it all I can say: I grow. My relationship makes me better — not bitter. But I have to work on that almost every day.
Me and the typical “suit & tie” guy would probably not have been good for each other. We probably would have had the same dysfunctions. Working late as a norm, believing that doing work you love was a nice myth, reading the miserable news every day & believing that that’s what the world is really about. Now, not all “suit & tie” guys are like this, off course. But, I met so many who were…
Instead, I got the kind of partner who honors his creativity, refuses to allow the pursuit of money for its own sake to be his motivator, doesn’t believe stress should be a normal part of your life (the world has normalised stress but believe me, stress is not normal). Watching him helped me see that I needed to change certain attitudes I had about life.
You see, most people just want to date someone who’s a replica of themselves. He/she has to like X, because I like X. Oooh I can’t wait for us to do Y together! We are not raised to think that complimentary differences are what makes a relationship. You don’t have to both like X and you don’t have to both do Y in order for your relationship to be enjoyable.
What’s more, we’ve become too quick to call it quits. It’s as though marriage vows are just words we kinda have to say at our wedding, but hey… you know if it doesn’t work….we’ll just bail out. Many older couples will tell you- they have witnessed friends get divorced, re-marry, think their problems would end with this new spouse. Only to realise, the problems remain the same. And in some cases, get worse.
The truth about relationships and love is this: you must deal with YOURSELF at the end of the day. And in a healthy relationship, you are being shown those parts of you that need to heal. A healthy relationship will trigger you in any area of your life you’ve not cleaned things up.It’s not about your boyfriend/girlfriend husband or wife. It’s about YOU.
That thing your partner does that irritates you…it’s a hangover from your childhood. So the fixing is not in the partner. It’s in you and what you experienced or believe about your past.
Relationships are meant to help us grow. And unless you’re willing to do the work to grow, your relationship will simply drain you. It’ll make you bitter — not better.
Give yourself permission to meet a partner who helps you heal.