The Difference Between Ignoring and Accepting Your Feelings

artwork by Daraun Crawford

We may have all heard the cliche that we should accept our current circumstance or issue, write it off as “it is what it is”, and be happy with the way things are. People who tell us this really want us to stop worrying about things we can’t change. This can be anxiety and frustration about bills and deadlines, your living situation, an issue you have with a loved one, the person who’s walking way too slow in front of you — what have you. Unfortunately, just telling yourself to accept the way things are doesn’t actually do much for you, does it? You still feel the stress after, you may just shut up about it. At the end of the day, words are just words. Even so, failing to actually accept your issue — by this I mean deceiving yourself into thinking you’ve accepted your problems when you’re only disguising them — will lead to more frustration and dissatisfaction with your current mind state. Accepting your problems and circumstances takes having a deep understanding of their origin, your place within the issue, and your particular perspective on the unknown future ahead of you. Before we get into what true acceptance is, let’s take a look at what false acceptance looks like.

Willful Ignorance

Obviously ignoring the issue at hand does stop you from worrying about it, but only for a little bit. You can go days, weeks, even months ignoring a pending issue in your life. It could be waiting to do your paper until you’re finishing the conclusion an hour before its due; it could be dropping $400 on some merch that just dropped, knowing you have to save to get an apartment. Nevertheless when you ignore a problem you only create a build up of subsequent problems, creating way more pain and frustration than you began with. Avoiding problems that are causing you stress only creates more stress. The longer you wait to handle it, the more problems you end up with later down the line. And don’t be fooled, ignoring the problem as if it doesn’t exist doesn’t stop you from being affected by it. Your subconscious has this problem floating around in your head affecting most, if not all thoughts and actions you produce thereafter. People who know you will be able to tell when something is on your mind or is really bothering you, even if you’re good at hiding it. They can feel it from you. You will be better off handling the issue immediately, whether it’s a personal issue in your life or a quarrel with your sibling. Smaller issues should be treated as important too. We create growth when we work towards our ideal self, while appreciating the growth we’ve already made.

Suppression

Energy can not be created or destroyed, only transformed. Einstein said it himself. And this law of physics also applies when we suppress our feelings and do not allow ourselves to express or relieve them. Emotion is just the energy in our body moving differently; e(nergy in)motion. Dr. Alan Watkins used this energy in motion analogy in his Ted Talk about being brilliant every day. People who do this know how horrible it feels inside when someone pisses them off. They hold in their emotions trying to keep the peace to only feel a sincere need deep in their heart to knock somebody out or go cry in a corner. These people are usually viewed as some of the more emotionally resilient people in society because they can keep their cool (this is more common amongst men). These people sometime feel targeted because they seem to be a brick wall for people to shoot at. However their body and psyche take a huge burden during and after these moments if they’re not handled properly. When our stress isn’t handled our minds and bodies are affected. When you feel frustration, anger, or pain your body’s sympathetic nervous system tells your heart rate to increase, raising your blood pressure. At the same time your brain chemistry is even altered, releasing different endorphins. and creating an intense environment in your body; all amongst other effects negative emotions have on the body. When your body isn’t right, neither is your mind, so suppressing your issues isn’t helping you. There are tons of healthy ways of expressing yourself when issues arise in your life, we just need to find one. You can always confront it head on — this is the most effective because it will likely be solved if you approach it honestly and just. If the problem can’t be confronted directly, you can always take your mind elsewhere do something productive and handle the problem as soon as you get the opportunity. If you deal with your issues in unhealthy ways, you can start by replacing bad habits with a good ones. Got any drugs to quit? Bad foods to replace in your diet? People to unfollow and books to read? You get the point.

Identification with Problems and Circumstances

At times in my life I would find myself working around my issues instead of working through them in order to benefit my life for the time being. I looked around and saw the same in a lot of people and wondered why? Especially when we clearly acknowledge the problems themselves only seeing them as something else. When you’ve taken the step forward to acknowledge that you have a problem, you may stumble into one of these routes:

“Wow, I smoke way too much. But maybe I just love to smoke; it’s just my thing. I should just enjoy myself cause this is the way I am. If I like to smoke I should just accept that and embrace it and do it how much I want.”

or

“I wish I wasn’t depressed all the time. I just can’t stop being down and every time i try to be happy i’m disappointed by someone or something. Life just sucks at the end of the day, no matter how happy I may get. I guess i’m a sad soul, a depressed person, and this is just how I am and it’s ok.”

Both of those are direct examples of thought patterns I’ve had with myself over and over.They are very common amongst a lot of us. I’ve heard it countless times from conversations with my peers and it amazed me how we all think very similar. Two things are happening here. First is that you’ve given up the idea that your life could be completely different than what it is now, bringing your progress to a halt. Second is you’ve identified yourself with the issue you have, locking yourself into the reality you’re in. It’s not long before you start taking pride in this part of yourself and start expressing it into your daily life. You even start defending this part of your identity, making any help someone with an outside perspective offers to be seen as a personal attack, rather than an honest suggestion to help you with your problems. Our friends and family will usually tell us when we’re lying to ourselves before we notice we actually are. To avoid this, take time to analyze yourself to see if you’re defending your problems instead of yourself. It is also good to ask your trusted friends for an honest opinion about yourself and anything they feel is holding you back. It may be awkward and sometimes shocking to hear what they have to say, but their perspective is valuable to your progress.

True Acceptance

When your mind settles and you detach yourself from the events and thoughts you come across you will be able to quickly deal with and accept your feelings. Look into the thoughts and events that surround the problem at hand. Think about what was said, what was inferred, the events that led to where you are now. Find the birthplace of the ideas that create the emotion. Doing this over and over again will give you great stability in your life because you will start to learn why you are the way you are. After finding the epicenter of the issue, you will need to find your place within the issue. How much control do you have over the situation? Can it be dealt immediately? Are the other people involved trying to hurt you or defend their ego? Is there something you could’ve done to prevent this problem? You must deal with yourself instead of trying to set someone else straight. Lastly, will the problem exist forever? Will the repercussions of this event permanently affect your life? Does excessively worrying about the unknown future help you get to a place of reassurance? Probably not. Your emotions will become under your control when you become completely aware of them. When you’re confident and secure with yourself you will be able to validate and accept your feelings. They will then become a small a minute facet of your life, enabling you to quickly conquer them as they arise.

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