Great article and so necessary!

Having worked with sexually abused children from birth to 10 years of age, I learned that we need to teach our children to trust, respect and honor themselves and we need to start at birth. Changing diapers can be done with dignity and respect or with brutal anger for natural bodily functions. The baby internalizes the message conveyed.

Unless our children, from birth, learn to honor themselves, they will not learn to honor others. These important lessons begin at birth, expanding as their capacity to learn expands. Listening to them will teach us what they are ready to hear. Listening is a high form of honoring. To be unheard teaches us we are worth little. Emjay is correct: we must teach by example and word. For a lesson to be truly learned, our actions may not conflict with our actions.

We need to begin teaching children, boys and girls, that they have agency, especially agency over their own bodies. Give them permission to say “no” to a kiss, hug, or even a look that doesn’t feel right even if it is from a family member or you. If they feel weird, they feel weird. They can say or show why and teach you something about them. It will be important. Teach them to trust their own instincts and intuitions. Encourage them to follow their hearts. Sometimes they may not want to hug Aunt Susie because she smells funny or hugs too tightly. It matters not why. It matters that they have say over their own bodies. A child’s agency trumps any grown up’s feelings

Sexual abuse is about power. Rape is about power. Power over one’s own body allows a child dignity, agency and confidence. Confidence in themselves, their parents and teachers gives them power to say “no” and to yell when someone violates their space, feelings, and bodies. Agency allows all children to accept their own power so later they won’t feel they need to steal power from others.

Listen to children. They will ask the appropriate questions at the appropriate times. Answer them honestly. Teach them. Lose your ego. Don’t try to fit in to be liked or to save someone’s feelings.

It is more important to have agency than to be liked, to fit in or to get what we want. Appropriate agency helps develop empathy, something lacking in those who demand, abuse, rape, and kill. Empathy allows a full life and real freedom.