Oh my, Deborah! When I was raped I was a virgin, my rape involved two weapons and when I read your story I dismiss NOTHING. I so wish you wouldn’t. I feel there is no difference between your story and mine. My cue to be concerned is your story. You were overpowered, helpless and of course, afraid. And it was premeditated. As punishment. I am pissed! What a trip of…well, rapists!
I remember feeling so cut off from everyone, especially myself, that I truly questioned if I was raped, if I had caused it, if, if, if. That’s part of the rape. Rape isn’t about sex but control and power, as I am sure you know intellectually. Know it in your heart. Rapists take a piece of one’s soul. It takes hard work to get it back. The hardest work is realizing that piece is yours and you deserve to build it back.
Please get a new therapist. I have never had a therapist ask me, “Since you had done nothing wrong, what do you think was the source of your shame?” and I felt real shame. I gasped aloud (and awakened my dog) when I read that two had asked you. They may be listening but they are not hearing. You deserve to be heard.
I wish you felt for you what I feel for you. If I could, I’d ask if I might hug you. And I’d listen.
You needn’t earn compassion and empathy. You will find both in generous quantities when you are able to offer them to yourself. You are on your way. Please know that I’m wishing you the very best.
And, therefore, a new therapist.
I am so sorry that you were raped, that you are still being raped by questioning if you really were raped and by comparing your rape and deciding it comes up short if deserving empathy. As one who has been raped, please know that yes, you were raped, yes, you deserve empathy. And without embellishing an already thoroughly tragic story!
You are still being raped because your rape still bothers you. It taints your view of men, interferes with your marriage and it steals your voice. You deserve to be heard, deserve to do the work to get that piece of your soul, your power and your voice back. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be free.
And you deserve a new therapist.
I’m having a hard time ending this so I ramble on. I realize I don’t want to leave you alone.
I have written about different aspects of my healing in responses. If you think they might help you, I hope you will read them. I didn’t believe I’d ever be free of my questioning, my depression and nightmares, my PTSD: ha! I have been for decades! You can be, too! At first I tried everything my therapist asked because I had tried everything else. Then I worked hard so my rapist would win. And finally I loved myself, forgave myself and I worked hard for me.
I initially chose some poor therapists, unconsciously, until I was truly ready to fight. Then one fell into my lap in the weirdest way and I had to wait 3 months to see him: he was perfect or I was ready, or both.
I’m not sure why you are thanking Todd and I don’t need to know but I’m really glad. I suspect he has done something kind and you deserve kindness. And gratitude open our hearts. I can’t wait to read that you are grateful to and for you.
Best to you, my friend. I’m here to help in any way I may: just ask. Or don’t but you were raped. That’s something I wish I didn’t have to say to anyone so I wouldn’t lie. You were raped and you need a new therapist.