Sometimes it hurts to do no harm

Why parents don’t always know best

Colin Ward
Jul 28, 2017 · 5 min read

How often do we hear the assertion that the “parents know best”? The statement or claim only seems to come up when parents don’t get what they want and try to challenge those in authority with such an unqualified statement. The truth is, however, that although there are indeed many situations where a parent’s knowledge of their own child trumps that of anyone else, we should not confuse this with a universal truth.

Indeed, parents will be most familiar with their own child’s behaviour, demeanour, habits, general ability, interests, and so many other factors. That’s the same as when you own a car and you use it every day, you get to know it’s little foibles: the strange way the driver side door closes; the gluey gearbox; the patch on the back window that simply refuses to de-mist.

When it comes to rewiring the car due to a major technical fault, or changing the head gaskets, or attaching a new exhaust pipe, most sensible drivers would refer to a mechanic. If that mechanic gives a quote that seems odd or wrong, then a second, third or fourth opinion might be sought — maybe even the original car dealership becomes involved. But when each one has said the same thing, do we not reach a point where we have to submit to the fact that the mechanics know best? Is that not why we pay them £20+ a hour to fix hour car?

The same goes for the boiler at home. When it goes on the blink we call a qualified gas engineer.

So why is it that when a child is sick — very, very sick — and the parents disagree with the doctors…all of the successive doctors that have given the same diagnosis or prognosis…that suddenly we are all armchair medical experts who know better than these fully qualified experts?

We are equally dismissive of teachers, too. I once had a teacher write a snide remark in their son’s diary that if a teacher expected their child to do the homework then they should “damn well learn to spell properly.” The had spelt “Tipi” not “Teepee”. I replied with a short note asking them if they had taken the time to maybe look the work up, on Google, with their son, to maybe find out why the fully qualified history teacher had spelt it that way.

Tipi or not Teepee, that is the question.

Of course they hadn’t. They were a parent, and parents always know best. Except they didn’t, and not only had they been wrong about the spelling, they had missed an opportunity to learn something with their son. They had also missed an opportunity to model an appropriate way to challenge one’s own understanding and use research skills to avert ignorance. So, as a teacher, I had to take the moral high ground and not tell the boy his parents were ignorant morons, and had no intention of turning the whole situation into a “them .v. us” situation.

Now, that might not be as serious an issue as a baby being so sick it is going to die, but surely we must take note that when so many medical experts are giving you one objective, scientific prognosis, but a couple of understandably emotional parents are fighting for another course of action. Doctors take the Hippocratic Oath in which they make their promise that they shall commit to the treatment of patients and never do anything to harm them — through action or inaction. That is why a doctor cannot, and must not, continue treatment if it prolongs or exacerbates someone’s suffering.

The doctor is not being stubborn. They aren’t arrogant. For pity sake, many of these professionals have children and families of their own and yet they must turn their emotions off — to an extent — or they would never survive a day of work. That does not mean they are blind to compassion, nor does it mean they can’t be bothered to try to help. Don’t assume they are robots who see patient’s dying as just a “part of their work”, or a statistic, or collateral damage.

I would never question a parent’s emotional, passionate fight to save their child. In many ways we become programmed to do that when we become parents. But there is a sad, almost hyper-cathartic state the general public get off on, wanting to shout self-righteously about how wrong it is to challenge parents…

…why? Sometimes the very hardest thing to do as a doctor (or a police office delivering that message) to tell parents: “there really is nothing more we can do.” Can you spare a moment to stop and think what it must be like for a doctor to tell a parent their child has died, or is going to? Can you imagine for a moment such a doctor or nurse going home that night and holding their own child just a little tighter, for a little longer?

It doesn’t help to have social media light up with rubbish about parent’s “knowing best” and how they should have been allowed to try multiple invasive, dangerous procedures when — in Charlie’s case — he could no longer even cry in order to alert them of pain.

Parents always know best…right?

If parents always know best, how does that explain the majority of child abuse? How does that explain children born addicted to heroin? Or the number of children in care? How can that be justified or asserted for the increasing number of parents aged 14, 13 or even just 12? Do they magically “know best” just because they are a parent? They aren’t even allowed to ride a scooter until they are 16.

How can we be proud when our own children train to become doctors and be sure they will be the best, but then be so critical of other doctors just because we don’t like what they have to say? Surely we trust the qualification of “Doctor” or not?

I am not claiming that 100% of Doctors are right 100% of the time. That would be absurd. But only equally as absurd as the notion than simply by having had sex, and through the wonders of nature, science and pure chance, produced a child, that somehow an individual is propelled to a level of wisdom that “trumps” training and expertise.

As much as it might hurt, sometimes we need to step back, and stop trying to pit emotions and passion against qualification and expertise.

CW

Colin Ward

Written by

Self Published author, also writes as @inasmanywords. Campaigner for justice: especially supporting the falsely accused, and children.

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