The Takeaway: The Karate Kid

I don’t know if you know this about me, but I’m not much of a fighter. I don’t think I’ve technically been in a real non-handshake related fight since 2003. (If you’re not sure what I’m referring to, take a gander at last week’s Takeaway from Face/Off.) And the ’03 incident wasn’t exactly the finest display of fisticuffs.

You see I was at the park participating in a friendly game of football. You know how pickup games go. One team is fortunate enough to have selected the fast kid or the big kid (me in this story) and that kid can’t be tackled and so his team runs away with the victory and thus pisses off the other team. Side note: Do you remember how tiring a game of 3 on 3 tackle football with no pads on is? Very. The answer is very.

Anyway, I was better than the other team at football and I’m not bragging here. I am literally a professional football player.

So one dude on the other team, who had a rat tail (no disrespect, you may wear your hair in any style you like, I just want you to have all of the details), started running his mouth to me. And if you know me now, you know that this would not faze me in the slightest, but this was not now. This was well before now. And Cameron from well before now was not nearly as patient… AND HE DIDN’T LIKE RAT TAILS. I said it!

Long story long, I punched this kid square in the face. And then I took it upon myself to provide him a lesson on shit talking etiquette. “You can’t run your mouth when you’re losing the game!”

He stopped running his mouth, but then his nose started bleeding and tears began running down his face. And this is when I realized I had made a mistake. I felt so bad, and I apologized immediately. I think I even started to cry too.

I learned a few things that day. First, it’s not cool to hit people, even if they’re being a real dickweed. My words probably would have gotten the message across loud and clear. Secondly, allowing an opponent to get in my head is unacceptable. This is a belief that I have demonstrated throughout my entire athletic career and it seems to have worked so far. Last and most importantly, I am not a tough guy. I mean, yes, I’m very tough. I can work through and endure some of the toughest tasks. But I’m not leather jacket-wearing Danny Zuko tough. Case and point, my go-to tough guy figure is a fictional character who sang about “Summer Nights” in a musical. For the sake of my man card, allow me to re-do that. I’m not John McClane from Die Hard tough. Like I’m tough in the context of my profession but there is a difference between being a “football guy” and the type of guy who beats up strangers and knows how to use nunchucks.

Now that it has been established, I am not the fighting type. But sometimes it’s fun to pretend I am. Sometimes it’s fun to put myself into the shoes of a movie character and watch someone overcome adversity with fists of fury or highly disciplined karate skills. Daniel LaRusso is definitely a hero of mine and that should go without saying. I tend to root for the good guys, other than my Sprewell phase.

So let’s talk about The Karate Kid. And before we go any further let’s establish that we are talking about 1984 masterpiece starring Ralph Macchio and not that thing from 2010 with Jaden smith. Okay, that’s not fair. I haven’t seen the Jaden Smith version, but like Jidenna, I’m a classic man.

From the start, I feel for Daniel. Having to move across the country must be tough. And early on we see that it will not be an easy transition for him. He is at the beach participating in what appears to be a gang of kids who don’t know anything about soccer trying to play soccer... it’s not great.

I get that it’s not an organized game, but it doesn’t seem like much of anything. Just a cluster of teenagers kicking a ball off of each other’s shins. Now I’m not a soccer guy, but this doesn’t seem like a way to get better. Anyway, that day at the beach we meet Ali who becomes the love interest of Daniel which actually creates his rivalry with potentially the greatest movie villain of all-time Johnny Lawrence. Some people may think that assessment of Johnny is unfair, well those people are wrong. Johnny is terrible.

The leather jacket and head band, running over Ali’s stereo, the ganging up on Daniel… not cool, dude. Bullying isn’t cool, at all. But these goons were some next level bullies. For starters, they all know karate. That’s crazy.

Where I come from, bullying consisted of using some harsh language and maybe a punch to the arm. But Johnny and the boys, Bobby, Tommy, Billy, & Dutch were like real life ninjas. (Those names make me laugh) What happened to the cool kids just playing football? Quarterback must not have given Johnny the challenge he needed. And don’t they seem a little old to be doing karate. I feel like if you’re doing karate past the age of 12 you have to commit to it for the rest of your life. At this point I have to assume they’re planning on becoming professional ninjas, if that’s even a thing.

But Daniel does not back down to this gang of ruffians. He masters their craft and beats them at their own game thanks to the help of a wise old man who exploited Daniel’s labor to get a bunch of household chores done. And I’m not saying that Mr. Miyagi was a bad coach for having Daniel do his own manual labor. I get that, he’s old. He could use the help. However, I am saying Mr. Miyagi is a bad coach for having brought Daniel to a tournament without explaining the rules to him! Seriously, they show up to the tournament and neither of them know the rules. It seems like Miyagi dropped the ball on that one.

I just can’t escape that fact. There were so many things I wanted to take away from this movie and I can’t because I cannot get over the fact that one of the most respected and revered characters in movie history nearly hung his student out to dry. Yes, Daniel should have taken some initiative here. He should have made an effort to know the rules, but Mr. Miyagi got him into this tournament. He’s the reason this battle is going to take place. He’s the one who took Daniel under his wing and provided him the tutelage necessary to be a karate master or something like that. But the rules? You don’t know the rules? He was an incredible teacher. He taught so many lessons and provided so much wisdom about life. I want to hold him in the highest regard of movie mentors, but… the rules, man!

Luckily Ali was there and she was able to teach Daniel the rules. And do you know why she was able to do this? Because she’s awesome. She’s pretty, smart, popular, not snobby, hangs out at the arcade, looks past the fact that Daniel looks like a dweeb like eight different times throughout movie, and most importantly KNOWS THE RULES OF KARATE! If Ali isn’t there, Daniel loses in the first round and never even has the opportunity to use the Crane kick from hell which may or may not have been legal, but Johnny was a tool and deserved it.

Wow. That must hurt. Also if you’ve got the time, re-watch that scene and watch for Tommy (Johnny’s biggest fan) over on the side. He’s the one with the crazy eyes that is way too fired up. What a creep?!?!

I suppose it’s time for my first hot takeaway, so here it goes. The MVP of The Karate Kid was not Johnny Lawrence or any of the members of the Cobra Kai. It wasn’t wise old Mr. Miyagi or even the Karate Kid, Daniel LaRusso himself. No, the MVP of this movie was definitely Ali. After re-watching it, it doesn’t even seem debatable.

Oh… and Cruel Summer by Bananarama is a banger.

7/10