Why Consent Culture?

By Lauren Longo

Consent Culture is a response to the frequent and often overwhelming violence, harassment, and injustice that women face every single day. Because unfortunately people like Elliot Rodger, Trent Mays, and Ma’lik Richmond are not anomalies and neither are those who support and pity them.

Because the idea that any man can believe he is entitled to anything from a woman, be it affection, attention, sexual acts, even a smile, only proves we have such a long way to go.

Because when people pity the tragic loss of a rapist’s future and say nothing about the victim, we prove we’ve taken steps backward.

Because throwing around phrases like, “I raped that test,” and “we raped them in the game,” aren’t funny, but they are everywhere.

Because we send young women off to college with the hope of receiving an education, but the education many of them receive isn’t one that enriches their lives or one that they can pay off after a set period of time. And too often we look the other way and the one thing they don’t receive is justice.

We learn not to trust out of necessity. And we learn it the hard way. We learn to watch our drinks, always let people know where we plan to be, carry pepperspray, to never walk alone at night and be wary of strangers, when we are taken advantage of we’re told we didn’t do enough to prevent it. We are told this by friends, family, coworkers, police, lawyers, judges, and juries over and over again and it has to stop.

Because even when we find the courage to tell someone and to report the crime, only 3 out of 100 rapists see the inside of a jail cell. All too often they are set free because someone along the way didn’t approve of the victim’s behavior, or clothing, or level of intoxication, or that she’d had sex before. Even though wearing a skirt isn’t a crime and drinking isn’t a crime and losing your virginity isn’t a crime, rape is.

Because women are not responsible for men’s behavior and it’s about time we stop acting like they are.

Because in this world, the most feminine qualities are perseverance and an ability to thrive under impossible circumstances.

Because education has been and always will be one of the most powerful weapons we can use to fight injustice.

A woman should be able to walk down the street without someone yelling at her. It’s about women being seen as whole people and not just a collection of sexually appealing parts. About not having to fear our friends, our family, our teachers and coaches, or the men we date, though statistically they’re more likely to hurt us.

The Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) made a statement that individuals and their choices are responsible for rape, and that it is not caused by culture. And they are right. Individuals make the choice to rape. Culture does not make them do it. We all have free will and we use it to make our own decisions.

But culture influences all of us. Every aspect of our lives is influenced by cultural factors, from the way we dress, how we speak, the foods we eat, our beliefs and values. We cannot blame culture for our actions, true. However, to say that it’s only a few deranged men out there committing the crimes is just as much a lie. We are all responsible. We are responsible when we keep our mouths shut, when we look the other way, when we laugh even though we know we shouldn’t. When we don’t stand up, or think it doesn’t affect us, or that it doesn’t matter. We are all responsible for creating the future we want to have and the kind of society where sexism, abuse, violence and assault are not tolerated or condoned—where victims aren’t blamed but supported.

You may not believe we live in a rape culture, but what culture do you believe in? You can argue the existence of rape culture if you want. What we clearly do not have is a consent culture. A culture where a woman’s words speak for themselves and her clothing doesn’t speak for her. Where the first question isn’t “how much did you drink?” but “what do you need?” A culture in which women have the respect they deserve as a human. In which men ask instead of making assumptions or not listening at all, because what a woman wants is at least as important as his own desires. A culture in which everyone cares about these issues. Because it isn’t a “women’s issue.” It’s an issue that affects everyone.

So why create Consent Culture?

Because a woman doesn’t have to be someone’s mother, sister, cousin, niece, or wife to deserve safety and respect. She is someone, all on her own, and that is enough.