The Dream of the 90’s Is Alive in The CW’s Riverdale

I am four episodes late to The CW’s Riverdale, but this isn’t a story about me. This is about you, and how you are either already way ahead of me and have been watching The CW’s Riverdale since it first premiered on January 26th, or it’s a story about how you’re completely missing out on the current Greatest Show on Television and what the hell are you waiting for?

Under the guise of pretending that I am avoiding spoilers, I won’t tell you too much about the plot, because the plot is not what is relevant to this post. What is relevant to this post is that there are several 90’s heart throbs playing secondary roles in the show. And this is all that matters.

As a cusp-millenial, I can remember life before the Internet. I can remember a life that included Blockbuster. Blockbuster was a high-concept store. It was a video store where you searched rows and rows of video tapes to rent movies to watch in less than two days. Part of the concept of this store was imploring forced altruism, asking you to “be kind and rewind” the video tape before dropping them in a slot at the side of the building, and starting the process all over again.

Life was quaint back then.

Quaint is also how one might describe the town of Riverdale, a setting that doesn’t quite know what to make itself. It assuredly present-day, but feels like it could be the small town America where the original comic that the show is based on took place. It also feels like the kids could be going to the same high school as the cast from She’s All That or 10 Things I Hate About You, two other 90’s teen comedies that I often rented from Blockbuster, and that most people watching Riverdale probably have never seen.

One of the characters, Veronica, tells off (is this still the slang? This is the slang we used in the 90’s to say “putting someone in their place”) another character, the high school queen B meanie-face by accusing her of being “the bad guy from a 90’s teen comedy.” Self-referential much!

So yeah there are some teenagers on this show, and one of them is half of a set of twins from a movie with Adam Sandler called “Big Daddy” that I also rented from Blockbuster once, but I think younger people know him because he was on ::looks things up on the Internet:: a show on The Disney Channel.

But we are digressing. The teenagers don’t matter. THEIR DADS DO.

With Luke Perry’s as one hot and scruffy dad and Skeet Ulrich as another even hotter and even scruffier dad, it’s like the pictures from Tiger Beat that I kept in my Trapper Keeper from middle school have been made real and come to life.

This was Luke Perry in the 90’s. Why yes, I DO want to save you.

Luke Perry was the rebel from the original Beverly Hills, 90210, and/because he rode a motorcycle. This is a show that played on network television that you had to watch when it AIRED. And sit through all the commercials.

Starring with Neve Campbell in one of my favorite movies ever

Skeet Ulrich was the SPOILER ALERT killer in Scream and SPOILER ALERT terrible crush turned boyfriend turned person who falls out a window in The Craft, two 90’s movies I also rented from Blockbuster.

Clearly, the Dream of the 90’s Is Alive and Well and Living in Riverdale. Sorry Portland. And that got me thinking about what other 90’s era people could appear on Riverdale. Herein follows a list:

1. Judd Nelson as the high school principal

There is currently a high school principal on the show, but he is not doing anything that seems important and could easily be recast. And here’s the plot twist: Judd Nelson is the one who gives out the detentions. Get it? Because that’s not what happened in The Breakfast Club? Yeah, you got it.

2. Judd Nelson as the high school janitor

Listen, I know, I lived in Los Angeles for a few years. I know it’s not easy breaking into Hollywood, as every single one of my Uber drivers told me over and over again, before handing me their business cards and telling me to subscribe to their channel on YouTube.

Therefore, I am not advocating for whoever plays the principal to get fired. Instead, hire Judd Nelson to play THE JANITOR, another pivotal role in The Breakfast Club. Problem solved, and also could fulfill the promise of The Janitor in saying he is the eyes and ears of this institution and that he knows everyone’s secrets. Everyone in this town has a lot of secrets, and the JUDD NELSON JANITOR could be at the center of cracking a mystery. I actually think I like this option better.

3. Sarah Michelle Gellar reprising her role from Swan’s Crossing

THIS OUTFIT IS EVERYTHING. THE HAIR TOO. THE PHONE AS WELL.

Riverdale is a town full of scandal and some rich people. That’s why casting Sarah Michelle Gellar as Sydney Rutledge from the little-known, little-watched TV soap Swan’s Crossing would be a great 90’s throwback, and perhaps solve one of the greatest unresolved cliffhangers of all time: WAS SYDNEY SWITCHED AT BIRTH WITH A SWAN?

I realize so few of you even know what I’m talking about. That’s OK.

Also “Swan” is someone’s last name, not a reference in this case to the animal. I feel it is incumbent on me to clear that up.

4. Pacey Witter returns to help Archie post teacher affair

There is so much wrong with this picture, not least of which is that I think they should switch shirts.

Kids, there was once a show called Dawson’s Creek, which incidentally, was not the name of a small, sleepy town, even though it sounds like a name of a small, sleepy town, so you would be forgiven if you assumed that. No, Dawson’s Creek was the name of the main character in the show, who I think lived by a creek, but whether he does or not becomes completely inessential to the plot after the pilot. Anyway, like a lot of main characters in some shows, he was the least interesting character.

One of the actually interesting characters was one named Pacey (terrible name), and he was played by Joshua Jackson, who was in a very old movie called The Mighty Ducks, that is now considered “a classic.” Anyway, it is important to note that Riverdale is following in the grand tradition of male students sleeping with their female teachers on The CW (formerly The WB), and when people find out, no one goes to jail or anything.

Pacey could come back and help Archie comes to terms with his abuse, because THAT IS WHAT IT IS.

5. Jonathan Taylor Thomas plays a mysterious neighbor

This was considered high comedy in the 90’s. Like I said, it was quaint.

Wouldn’t it just be HILARIOUS if JTT appears on Riverdale as a mysterious neighbor who moves in next door to one of the main characters, (except not Jughead because I guess he is homeless? SPOILER ALERT. AFTER THE FACT). And like, we don’t see his full face for a few episodes, like things like a FENCE are always hiding it, as an homage toJTT’s neighbor Mr Wilson on the show Home Improvement, which is literally the only thing anyone remembers about that show.

Yup, hilarious. I’m good at this comedy and this writing stuff! If the show needs writers on staff, I think I’ve just made my case.

Watch Riverdale. It’s good! It’s my new favorite show! Until I get a newer favorite!