Only Jeremy Can Save Us From The Bollocks In America

[NOTE: In the original first draft, I had an extended riff on the original Alvin and the Chipmunks cartoon after hitting some narcotics. Not much of it made sense when I read it back, so those paragraphs have now been removed]

Look at that shrivelled apricot bollock in a suit, I bet nothing has ever made him happy. Now I’m first to admit I was born privileged, obviously not quite on the same level as this dude. I grew up in Marlow, Buckinghamshire which is basically England’s whitest town. My folks forked out for me to go to a minor public school. I used to think slumming it was visiting our cousins in their barn conversion in Princes Risborough. Yes, I was a dick as a kid, but I matured. I saw a bit of the world and travelled around Africa. I got myself an education at not one, not two, but three universities — even making it all the way to my third year at St. Andrews. I was responsible for opening my own eyes. Trump’s never done that, that’s why I have respect on the streets and he doesn’t.

This last week has shitted me up to be honest. I gave up weed four months ago, but I’ve started smoking a lot to calm my nerves. The euphoria of Corbyn’s second crushing leadership election victory has been tempered by some unnerving shit in the news and it’s pushing me towards some old vices. Traditionally, I like to smoke a bit of organic to take the edge off the day. Stimulants aren’t really my thing. I did go through a big mushrooms phase during festival season in 2013 where I did an industrial amount of the fuckers. Not only did that leave me with a weird tremor whenever I took a shit from 2014–2015, I kept thinking there was a dude in a palm tree fancy dress costume following me around. Plus my friends say I’m a major dick when I’m tripping, so I keep that stuff to a minimum now, wherever possible.

Right now, I’d say lay off the hallucinogens altogether if you’re someone invested in current affairs. It’s hard to take your eyes off the news right now because every five minutes some mad shit happens and 99% of it is stuff Trump’s been up to. You’d basically be begging for a horrific trip. Your brain will regurgitate some mad imagery, like Steve Bannon’s bloated floating raspberry coloured face pressed against your bedroom window or something like that. Same with stimulants, you don’t want to get so pumped up you go and do something reckless and counter productive like punching a police horse or lobbing a fire extinguisher off a tall building.

There’s also no need to hit the substances hard when you think it through, because I heard what I had to from Jeremy Corbyn this week. He was quiet, but controlled and forceful. In contrast, Democrats are up in arms in the states and their Blairite equivalents over here have lost their minds. When I hit the streets this week to show some solidarity, one Blairite idiot turned asked me to stop chanting Jeremy’s name, saying it wasn’t about that. Typical partisan bullshit from those guys yet again. You reach out and they kick back, why do I bother? I was like, ‘back off mate, where were you when Occupy was going down? Nowhere. I’ve earned the right to hit the streets. You’ve probably walked straight out of Pret A Manger.’

Seriously, you need to chill out Blairites, Jeremy’s been waiting in the wings this whole time as cool as fuck. He’s looking for a signal, a wink, a hand-gesture, a noise and he’s stepping in to clean house. I’m literally picturing May’s face when it happens, total shock — it’s hilarious. She’s on all-fours clinging to Trump’s trouser legs, begging for a trade deal and Jeremy just struts onto the scene and is like ‘right, this shit stops now.’

Why he should bother at this point is anyone’s guess. My personal guess would be that he’s decent to the core and ready to finish the job his supporters asked him to do. He probably feels like giving in, the amount of shit he has to deal with right wingers in his own party who don’t even realise they’re Tories. Then he thinks about the desperate people described in Eoin’s tweet (below) and is like ‘fuck that shit, look what these dudes gave up just to vote for me.’ He’s got John McDonnell on the phone backing him up like, ‘look at Eoin’s tweet man. You can’t let those fuckers down. Nobody is pawning their wedding ring to vote for you without getting serious payback.’

That’s why I know the dudes in charge of my political party will sort this out and I can finish this joint in peace, which I have just done. Back to bed.

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