How to Clean (Or Do Anything Else) Like You Have OCD

It’s a mental disorder for a reason, internet.

Hi, my name is Corey, and I have OCD, or “Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.” According to pop-culture, this makes me hilariously tidy and prone to everyday perfectionism. But also according to the internet, you too can learn how to benefit from this special mental super-power. Here are some steps to getting you started…

(Optional) Be Born with OCDP

If you happen to be a parent hoping to give a child OCD, you’ll be happy to know that some people are simply born with it. This is called Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, and is the most severe form of OCD possible.

Now, you’ll have to put up with years of supporting your child through irrational rituals to keep them from having mental breakdowns, but if you’re lucky, you too can have an Emma Pillsbury of your very own, complete with germophobia.

Step 1: Experience Extreme Trauma

If you skipped the optional birthing step, don’t worry. All you have to do is expose yourself to severe trauma, preferably during the developmental stage of your life. This can be anything from a messy divorce to the loss of a loved one. Mild emotional abuse by an immediate family member is also a great stimulant.

A mixture of both is best, ensuring that you’ll get both OCD and specific, adorable tics. I actually can’t deal with doors being slightly cracked open, due to the way I lost my beloved childhood pet. As a result, I never waste any money by “letting the air out” of my temperature conditioned apartment.

Step 2: Endure Years of Therapy

You’ll want to have a certified therapist confirm that you have OCD. If you experience continuous unwanted thoughts (especially of a disturbing nature!), extreme guilt for no reason, nail biting, or a complete and utter fear of leaving your house, you’re ready to start the therapy process.

It might take you a few tries (and several years and/or relocations) to find a therapist that “gets” you. But once you do, you’ll be able to knock out about 8-12 months of helpful introspection and behavioral changes, leaving you with a manageable form life-long mental tics.

Optional: if for some reason you just can’t manage to get through your days solely with talk therapy, you can pair it with a pharmaceutical supplement. The process for finding a psychiatrist is, of course, just as harrowing as finding a regular therapist, but twice the price! Don’t be afraid if certain medications have ridiculous side effects* or difficult titration periods. Your real concern is the amount of judging you’ll be subjected to by friends, family, colleagues, and complete strangers who somehow find out about your SSRIs.

*Ridiculous side effects may include difficulty reaching climax during sex. Remember, it’s the thought that counts.*

Step 3: Desperately Explain to Other People How Your OCD Works

Everyone with OCD has different issues, but the media doesn’t know that, so be sure to explain to friends, family, and loved ones that yes, you can deal with crooked pictures and wrinkled clothes.

In fact, just go ahead and make a special note on your smartphone that lists all of the things you’re totally cool with. Especially if you want to have sex.

(Breaking the 4th Wall Anecdote Time: I literally had a girl apologize for grinding on me during sex, because she knew I had OCD and didn’t want to get my pants “dirty.” Seriously, if you can be “in the moment” the details kinda fall by the wayside.)

Step 4: Clean Stuff!

You’re now ready to clean things.

Unless of course your OCD doesn’t manifest itself that way. In fact, you might actually begin compulsively hoarding anything and everything, including trash, expired food products, or sanitary supplies. Or you could develop a fear of water. The possibilities are endless.