5 Tips for Loving Someone Who is Strongly Independent

Sometimes in life, we meet the person of our dreams.

We fall head over heels. Everything smells like roses.

The clouds are finally moved and sun shines through.

And sometimes, we meet this person who we may be overly attached to. They have made it through life without us, but we want to be a part of theirs.

Here’s a story: I went through a very toxic relationship with a man for about three years. He was impulsive, clinically bipolar, and lacked care when it came to my emotions and needs.

I ended up going on a date with a man while still in this relationship. (Yes. A bad move when in retrospect, but we all act on things we need.) And I fell madly, hard, and deep for this man. We’ve been together for half a year now, but I tend to want him more than he wants me, or so it seems.

I wondered what was wrong with me, if I was disinteresting to him now. I wondered if I was too needy, being a twin and living with people my entire life. I know independence but not in a relationship. Yes, this is the issue.

So here are five solid tips to help you and a partner ease your minds and grow together:

Don’t Take it Personally

When we love, we become kids again. We cry. We feel too much. We are completely vulnerable to the world and those we trust. This leads to hurt feelings and misunderstandings; much like when a parent gets onto you for something your sibling did, but they won’t listen.

This happens to all of us. We want to be our other’s ‘everything,’ but this is a false feeling.

We too often feel attacked when being left alone in relationship, like being put in time out. Much like time out, we grow when our minds have time to process. Be calm. They are helping themselves, not harming you and it will be better when both mindsets are able to have it’s own time to be at ease. Nothing personal. Just mental rejuvenation.

Love is an Uncaged Bird

My favorite metaphor of love was said by a man named Caleb in a video called A Polyamorous Couple’s Guide to Sleeping with Multiple Partners [INSIGHTS],

“It’s not fair to keep a bird caged. What’s more touching, a beautiful bird you have stuck in a cage whose whistling listless tunes and looking out the window longingly? Or a bird that you don’t own but comes to your windowsill every morning and sings a nice little song to you.”

This is the most beautiful description that describes how I feel most strongly about love- no conditions. Accept your partner as a free spirit; someone who shouldn’t be confined or held down.

Space isn’t Distance

Much like separating when there is an argument in a house or even just needing some fresh air after being inside all day, relationships need time for a breath. Otherwise, the water of life rises too high and we struggle to put our head out of the pool.

You need to let your partner be able to have personal space when needed. When your partner asks for this time or is seemingly distant, ask them how they are feeling and adjust accordingly. This is beneficial to both parties.

With the allowed space, we can grow individually. Watch what movies we like, by ourselves. Discover new hobbies. Relax in the comfort of ourselves. This is one of the greatest discoveries known and your partner knows this.

Allow yourself to give into silence and unresponsive text messages, because our society has taught us to always be there. This is another false fact. We can’t and won’t always be there.

Adapt to where both of you enjoy your alone time and can bond over sharing what you’ve done while apart. This allows both individual and couple growth.

You have a lesson to learn

Learning to be by yourself in a relationship seems like an oxymoron. Truth is, it creates the strongest of relationship.

They say you can’t love someone until you love yourself. This is correct, but sometimes we fall short of loving ourselves. It isn’t that we don’t, it’s that we forgot how. Your partner can help you find this again.

Make a list of all the things you enjoy, aside from your partner. This list is your guideline to self-discovery.

An example of mine: green tea, foxes, horror movies, Jack Kerouac, etc.

Now with this, when bored or fretting, seek out the things that calm your mind. For me, I’d brew some tea, throw on the Puppet Master series, and start reading a new novel. Easier said than done, but practice makes perfect.

Your partner can’t help you, but the alone time you are left with will.

End of the Day

What it boils down to at the end of the day is that you both or all realize that communication is key. Silence can be communication.

Release your insecurities at first. It’s okay. Tell your partner, calmly and they will respect that. We all have them, especially when we first enter a new relationship- hell! Even in my four year relationship, I still had insecurities!

Ease your mind and now that you guys are still a team, even if it’s a relay race. There is all the time in the world. Enjoy the time your brain is at ease. Far too often, relationships cause built up tension, needs for compassion, lust for each other, and feelings of overwhelming joy. These are great things, in moderation.

Our instant gratification pours over into our relationships. Drop it. Pretend you are in the past and have no way of communicating with your love across the sea. Write a note. Send it tomorrow. Or don’t. They are still there; in your mind, in your heart. Even if they are a mile away, they are still with you.

The person(s) of our dreams may seem perfect, but we are all flawed and need time for our own gains in life.

We may feel distant at times. We may feel unloved at times. We may feel lost at times, but if they are truly someone that belongs to you all will work out.

Love yourself, first, and they will love you in return.