How to Shoot Your Shot in the DMs

If only this pic were an actual metaphor for Nick Young’s shots, as he dated Iggy Azalea

I once knew a guy named Bob. He was a somewhat successful young man. He has crushes on social media. Bob was a bit conservative. He didn’t want to risk failure. But what he didn’t know is that the shots you don’t take are misses anyway. He failed by never trying. He ended up homeless and never finding a wife.

I made the above story up. I don’t know a guy named Bob. But that stuff could happen to you.

As someone who has much(zero) success shooting my shot on twitter, I felt obligated to offer support to others who wish to do the same. It’s not as hard as you think. You just need to keep a few guidelines in mind when you’re going about it.

1. Plan that shit out

Don’t shoot your shot without carefully taking aim first. This is war. War against your insecurities and loneliness. War requires strategy, or there’s going to be needless bloodshed. (Sounds like America’s wars if you ask me!)

Learn about your target a bit. Butter them up with likes, but don’t get creepy with it. Offer support. People love getting supported on social media.

me showing support in Portuguese so I can safely hop in the DMs later

As seen above, I’m offering support to a model in hopes that she sees it, likes it, and falls in love with me. Will it work? Who knows. But I’m getting my name out there and supporting an attractive woman and that’s what counts.

2. Build A Resume

mine was never in town in the first place

Look, you need to let people know what you have to offer. I do this all the time. I always tweet about having a small penis and playing life on Hard Mode so women are impressed. You don’t have to be as direct as me. You can be subtle.

Drop a tweet like “I HATE having HUGE, PERKY, and LUSCIOUS TITTIES because they make my back hurt :(!” so people really know what’s good.

Other examples:

“Tired of women wanting me all the time for my juicy abs, I just want a nice girl who sees me for who I really am inside, a fuckin idiot!”

“I’ve had a handful of women say that I have a large penis but I’m not sure if it’s because they are artificially adding extra size to it in their heads because their brains expect it to be large because I’m black or because it’s actually large.”

“I’m eating a popsicle alone right now, I hope a ghost isn’t secretly in here watching me put my plump, round lips down to the base of this frozen treat with dirty thoughts…”

All of these tweets will build your resume. Your crush will read these tweets and probably feel better about responding to your attempt to court them through your DM.

3. Craft Your Message

Strategy time is over. It’s time to create your weapons: the actual DMs. Some people will tell you that you don’t need to be fancy. Just say Hi and say something like “haha just DMing cause this made me think of you!”

Fuck those people. Those methods probably work really well, but they are cowardly. You need bravery, creativity, and strength in your DM.

“Well I don’t have those traits!”

Of course you don’t. That’s why you’re reading this shit. I got your back though. That’s why I’m here. I’ll share some techniques to help you enter these DMs safely.

Using the intel you gained on your target, adopt one of the styles listed below to craft your message.

3a. Business Executive

He was actually broke as shit

People love people with money. Look, I think a rather large amount of rich people are rich off of exploitation and immoral decisions. But if you’re rich…hmu. 80% of jobs are gained through social capital. Putting up with rich people might help you go a long way. That’s why you should play this DM slide. It’s simple:

Hop up in your crush’s DMs and pretend you’re doing a business deal.

You: What do you mean I’ll only make 2 million dollars off this deal? You gotta be KIDDING me.

Crush: huh?

You: I’m so sorry. I DMed the wrong person. That was meant to go to my asisstant. But now that I’m here, how are you?

Crush: Fine now that you’re in my DMs… ;)

This move is beautiful. Invite me to your wedding.

3b. Mad Scientist

Her husband left her because she tried to scientifically make his dick bigger

Science. It’s important. Experiments and shit. Did you know Albert Einsten fought for racial justice? He said racism is the disease of white people. He was even being monitored by the FBI for opposing lynching. Pretty woke, right? But did you also know that he treated his wife like absolute shit? Thanks for the math and shit but damn nigga. Anyway, you don’t have to be like Einstein was with his lovers. You can use your scienece powers for good. You can use it to hop in the DMs. Pay attention.

You: Hey

You: Oh gosh, I’m so sorry. I made this concoction that forces you to DM a beautiful person when you drink it. It looks like it works since I DMed you, but that’s no excuse for DMing you out of nowhere.

Crush: No, it’s fine!

You: *evil scientist laugh* Now that I’m here,,,,,,,,how are you

See? It’s easy.

3c. Choose Your Own Adventure

both paths lead to death

People love a good story. Espeically one they can a little influence over. Why not write one for your crush and drop it off in the DMs? Yes, I know I’m a genius.

You: It was a dark and stormy night. A traveler needs shelter. The traveler approaches a beautiful house with an even more beautiful inhabitant. A sign labeled “The DMs” lies in the front yard. The traveler knocks on the door, umbrella in hand, soaking wet.

What a surprise. It’s YOUR door! How do you respond?

A. “It’s raining. Come on in traveler, make yourself at home!”

B. “You ugly. get the fuck off my property”

Crush: B

You: ,,,,is that your final answer??

If you craft a good enough story, who knows, maybe you might REALLY end up on your crush’s front yard. In a non-stalky way, hopefully.

4. Shoot safely and often

this is how I wanna die

You’ve prepared well by this point. All you’ve gotta do is make sure you execute properly and don’t do any dumb shit.

What’s dumb shit?

Well.

Initiating with unsolicited dick pics. You don’t wanna do that. Probably a bad idea. Probably a bad idea to enter the DMs all guilty and shit too. Going “you’re right men are trash I apologize on behalf of all men” sounds whiny and disingenuous. Also, as a man, you should embrace being trash. Trash has its place in society. If there was no trash, how would we appreciate things that aren’t trash? Makes you think.

It’s ok for women to shoot their shots too. Encouraged even. Don’t let traditions and stigmas get in your way. It’s 2017. Our president is ugly as hell and dumb. Unrelated to anything above I just wanted to say that.

Shoot your shot. Don’t be afraid.

One day…

It might land.

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