Another Sleepless Night

So… As i sit here, yet again with sleep escaping me. My mind once again racing all over. What is the cause for this? The potential of me returning to work after being off for so long.

My initial diagnosis of depression was after quite a turbulent time at work followed by the first of a few breakdowns i have had since then. This breakdown in hindsight was only small especially in comparison to other breakdowns I've had since this one. The stresses of modern day life, work, relationships and all the stress in between, still continues to plague me even now as I’m on the rise out of this rut I’ve been stuck in.

Regardless of how well I’ve been doing and how far i have come since then, as soon as the specters of past issues start to show their face again. I find that I am freezing up and falling back into the same old destructive path that i carved for myself at the lowest point of my depression. Now i sit here facing the real possibility of slipping back into a place i have worked and fought tooth and nail to pull myself out of. Why is it that as soon as “real life” is on the horizon i start to fall again?

This is just down to simple brain chemistry! It has to be! I’m so scared of what, by any normal odds, won’t happen! Just when i feel i have finally grabbed the brake lever on this roller coaster of hellish emotion and self hatred, it immediately slips from my grasp! As my doctor once explained to me during a visit. The brain is for all intents and purposes just like a railroad, you follow down it everyday without even thinking about it. It guides you through the decisions you face in life. But with depression, you have ripped up the old track. Torn down all previous life experiences. Then created a new rail for you to follow. This being the cycle of depression, you start to face problems as if it is the worst case scenario. Instead of “I have to go to work. Step 1 get up, Step 2 get ready for work Step 3 leave the house” and so on. you start with “Step 1 get up, Step 2 panic, Step 3 recede back into your shell”. It is much harder to tear up that track because lets face it, It’s the path of least resistance.

Over the months i have been off work, i believed that i had been correcting this. Finally building the path back to how it was. That rail that pretty much makes everyday life easy to cope with. Yet as i mentioned above, yes i have made progress on this track. I have made a lot of my life a lot easier to deal with, learned the coping mechanisms that most people have instinctively. But it seems i have left the “old familiar” rail firmly planted deep within my brain. The rail that only leads to fear, depression and anxiety…

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