Am i?
Look, you write this stuff just becouse you think its going to help you. Thats right. One of the best advices you are giving to your pacients is to write every day what they feel. So, whats the purpose beyond that? I found this site in 2 minutes, and started writing this after 3 minutes…Thats right, you like to calculate time, all the time, its fun you have to admit, at the end of the day we can mesure our distances, time, money, route that we took…Its like a video game. Sid Meiers Civilization, thats what you thought that famous night in your life…So, what were you doing today mister Porter? For fuck sake you give yourself a name by the famous economist, you dont think to much dont you? You always make decisions in a second, what first come to your mind, its that. Maybe thats good, anxiety comes also when we cant deside, so you try to save yourself from suffering by taking immediate decisions. Speaking of economy, you went to the famous park in your town to study, full of people, full of imigants from Syria, but thats what you need. You cant study at home, your brain works at 150%, so in a quite room your thoughts are flying everywhere, from hypochondriato derealization. But what happens when you are outside? Yes, you see other people, but it feel like your thoughts are flying away, but not on a serious things, its like detecting people and cointinue to read. You know that brain has 2 sides, one side is reading, and other detecting those people, but they are meaningless, so the other side can work properly. Is this explanation correct? Who knows and cares, its ok for you. Why are you writing on English language? You know it, but its not your native. Do you remember that time you went on testing for that American corporation? On a scale 0 to 8, you got 6 ! Thats why you didnt get a job. And why you got 6? Is it because your english is bad or it was because you thought that you are smart and started to talk about some complex things from previos job? Thats right, you stupid idiot, you were talking about that stupid softver and when she asked you “Whats the name of the softver?” you said what? Thats right, “I cant remember” ! Do you see how stupid you are? I mean, whats wrong with you? Its not like the queston was “What was the date and time of your final exam?”, ITS THE NAME OF THE SOFTVER FOR FUCK SAKE, you were using it for 2 years !Why you always do stuff like that? Talking about something that you are not so sure about? I think that your defense mechanism is intelectualisation. Yes it is, because you are always saying stuff like “Yes, it was a reserch on that institute and they confirmed my thoughts”, so you are smarter? But in the same time you know that if somebody asks you about detalis of the topic, you are getting destroyed. Maybe not, at the end of the day your psyhotherapist said that you are intelectual, everybody are saying that you are smart, so, why you have to prove it all the time? Why you have to talk all the time about complex economical things and psychologycal? Maybe becouse you have 27 years, not a single working day on a economical job, not having a money to eat sometimes, not having a money to take you girlfriend to dinner? You forgot that we are living in a capitalism, and yes, you know what that means! Also you are living in one of the poorest countries in europe! And now you are thinking, “ Ok, its not my fault, you see, im smart, but there is no job”, or is it? We can both see the problem now . Everyone is moving forward, and you? You are stuck, so you are trying to compensete your fucked up life with your master brain. They have the money and life, you got inteligence, so now you are going to destroy them and show that what you have is worth more than money. Briliant, just briliant…So im confused now, do you have complex of lower vaules or higher? I understand, you can listen, you always listen, and you can admit that someone else is right, but is it just because you are trying to be liked by someone? You are giving them time to say something, you are going to agree and then unlish the stuff from your brain? I dont know…People like to talk with you, you have so many friends, they never said bad thing about you…Thats strange…Im the only person that sees this side, and am not sure about it. First of all, you are the first one who says that you are stupid…Sometimes you are paranoid, you are thinking that everyone is playing games with you. For example, on the marketing classes every single question you thought different then everybody. Proffesor said that you are good, that you should concentrate on marketing, you can be good at it, but in the same time when the class was over, and proffesor asked you what you think about marketing, you said, im qouting “I think that this is evil side of psychology, you are trying to manipulate with human brains just to take a money from them”…And his look, i think that he was scared! he must be, becouse he agreed with you ! You hate obvius things, you are constantly thinking that there is a deeper meaning. “Thinking outside the box”. But in the same time Karl Gustav Jung said that people that are having complex of lower values are mostly creative people. You found yourself there because you never explain things by definition, you said it with your own words.People with complex of lower values are not feeling that they know something. Its like the day before the exam, you think that you dont know anything, 3 min before the exam you feel the same way, but as soon as the question pops up, you are talking fluently, sometimes, while you are talking you are confused, “Where are this things coming from!?”. Oh, the sunset is beautiful, wait, you were reading all the time while we were talking? ohh mister Porter, again? What is wrong with you and your concentration? What, you are saying that you remembered everything? You said that when you are reading outside, you dont think about serious things ! But you are right, this was only for a few minutes per lecture, and 20 pages per lecture means that we were talking 25–30 minu…Stop it ! You are calculating again !Why are you doin…You can read 30min mor….Ohh you are meditating now, thats nice, see you when you are finished.
