Here’s Why God Wants Us To Forgive
If I could sit down with the two men who’ve failed me as fathers and talk to them I absolutely would. I’m thirty and just “getting over” something is NOT the answer I’m willing to accept right now. I feel like we’ve all been told to “just get over it” when we need something a little deeper and more substantial to handle the situation. We need to heal and forgive.
If I could sit down with my biological father I’d ask him, why were drugs and alcohol more important than I was? I’d ask him how could he eat a meal for ONE DAY, without knowing for sure whether or not I’d eaten? How could he pull a shirt onto his back or shoes on his feet without knowing if I had the same? He had no clue what was happening with me growing up and any time he’s mentioned, I feel my thirty year old self transform into the little girl who’s always wanted her father’s love. Why call yourself a man when you never thought to check and see if I was okay? Why call yourself a man when you left a woman to care for a child the two of you created together, alone? Why?
If I could sit down with the man who supposedly stepped in, my ex step dad, I absolutely would. He came into my life when I was three and took care of me until I was nine. Six years of bonding and trust made me feel comfortable with calling him my dad. I was proud, finally it appeared I had the complete family I would see on tv. He stole my trust and I hated him for it for so long. Six years… then at nine everything went to hell. He cheated on my mother and killed the mistress. I’d ask him, why. Just simply, WHY. Why take someone’s life? Why take her away from her children? Why devastate my own mother and send her into a spell of depression, causing her to disconnect from life for a few years? Why have two sons who adored you just to abandon them due to your own disgusting lust? Why call yourself a man when you couldn’t take care of your own family and keep us safe? Why?
Living life without a fathers love has been rough. I’ve always wished that I had the type of father who would protect me from no good men, take me out on daddy daughter dates and teach me things that I should’ve known about men before dating. I wish I could call my dad up and share a joke with him or stop by his house and have dinner with him. I can’t. The relationship is broken and I’ve had to adjust.
When I was heavy into church, one of the main messages preached had to do with forgiveness. I’d sit on the pews of the sanctuary wanting to hear about ANYTHING BUT. Having an unforgivable spirit causes one to become bitter and angry not only towards those who hurt them but towards people who had nothing to do with the situation. In guarding myself from the pain, I’ve built a wall that is sometimes hard to get through. How could I forgive the two men who I trusted to love me but didn’t? How could I forgive two men who cared about drugs, alcohol and sex more than their own flesh and blood? How could I ever learn how a man is supposed to love a woman when the two examples of “men” in my life didn’t display love to my mother? No matter how I’ve felt in the past, I know now… I need to forgive.
I’m up writing this because I know God wants me to forgive and let go… completely. The unforgiveness that fills my heart causes me to lose sleep and it barely allows me to trust anyone who’s in my life now. I’m tormented daily by the what if’s. I want freedom. So at this moment right now at 5:55am I’m FORGIVING. To Craig and Roger… I FORGIVE YOU.
❤️
