I’m Mean AF But I’m Sensitive About it.
“A quick temper will make a fool of you soon enough.” — Bruce Lee
I, not unlike many other people in the world, deal with an unreasonable streak of anger. It isn’t like the anger you see on crime shows where a person just snaps and kills twelve people. Neither is it the type of righteous anger you see when people protest unjust killings by law enforcement. The anger I’ve dealt with stemmed from deep rooted hurt on top of years of abandonment. It’s the type of anger I’ve always felt guilty about.
As a child I was timid and shy, nearly afraid to speak my truth. I allowed things to transpire that shouldn’t have and my self-esteem plummeted to an all time low. Tragic events took place in my life and I was forced into a state of discomfort. This discomfort was speaking and telling others how I felt. This unknown territory of openness and vulnerability angered me. Being vulnerable was akin to nakedness. It embarrassed me and made me want to run and hide. I didn’t know how to express my feelings. I didn’t know how to properly process my emotions. It was pure hell and I was only nine.
My step father at the time was my hero. He stepped in when my biological father was unable to be there for me and for this, I loved him and called him, “Daddy.” As far as I was concerned, that’s who he was to me and no one could tell me differently. As a child I didn’t see his mistreatment towards my mother. I just knew he treated me like a princess.
A few years into the marriage, he cheated on my mother. Okay, infidelity hurts and happens. But I wish it were left there. It wasn’t. He also killed the woman he cheated on my mother with. The devastation caused on both sides was enough to make a person go crazy. Again, I was abandoned and alone. As a child I couldn’t help but internalize the situation. On top of that, my heart ached for my brothers, my mother and the woman’s family. I carried the burden of their pain in my little heart and I still carry it to this day.
From then on, I became angry and as time progressed and my mother struggled to take care of us, my anger turned into full blown rage. I rebelled as a teenager and I hated everything and everyone. I fought in school causing me to attend four different high schools, my grades suffered, I was sexually active and I started smoking. I hated who I was but I covered it up with cockiness and arrogance. Even though my mom remarried and I finally had a solid male figure in my life, I was still a broken mess.
I finished out my teens still angry, hurt and filled with rage. I was hard to be around. I was always involved in some sort of overly dramatic scenario and I HATED IT. By this time in my life I didn’t know how to escape.
It wasn’t until I started to attend church regularly that I realized, Shauna you don’t have to be angry. You can learn to process your emotions. At church I was taught to, “give my anger to God.” In all honesty, I didn’t really know how to do that but I would find myself praying to Him and asking Him to take it from me. That set a foundation for me. I was able to think before I reacted. I felt great.
Unfortunately, there are still things that trigger my anger from time to time. If a random stranger is rude to me or if I get a rude comment online I typically ignore it. If I feel the need to respond, I think things through before I do and I respond with as much kindness in my heart that I can give. My issues come up when I feel hurt or attacked by someone I know whether it be an acquaintance, friend or a romantic partner. If I feel hurt by you, hurt gets put six feet under and anger rears its ugly head. I almost unconsciously shift into defense mode and by the time the conversation is over, I’ve said many things that I regret later on.
The truth is, I’m mean as FUCK but I’m sensitive about it. I’m sensitive about it because maybe, just maybe that shy and quiet part of myself isn’t all the way gone. Sometimes that shy and quiet part of me disappears when I’m angry but she comes back around and picks me up for the guilt trip later on. No matter what a person does to me, I feel guilty for my anger. IT SUCKS because sometimes, not always, I’m justified in my anger (not my actions.)
I’m woman enough to say that I still need a lot of work in this area. My heart has been shattered in a million pieces on different levels and I’m desperately trying my best to find balance. I am learning that forgiveness is key. No matter what a person does, always remember forgiveness is for YOU. I’d hate to be the bitter chick walking around mad at the world while the people who hurt me are living happy and carefree lives. We have to forgive and MOVE ON.
I don’t like being mean. I’m truly sensitive about it. And if you’re reading this and I’ve been mean to you… I’m sorry. Bear with me as I heal and grow.
Shauna ❤️
