me.

There have been hundreds of times (especially recently) where I’ve pondered the usual questions that everyone asks themselves in their 20s. Who am I as a person? Who do I want to become? What do I want to be remembered for? What am I going to do with the rest of my life?

And then, a sense of panic. Because who the hell knows the answers to these questions? If you know, congrats. Really.

Do you ever feel like everyone around you — all your friends, most everyone in your family, your significant other — has it all together and you’re the only one who doesn’t? (Or worse — everyone in your family EXPECTS you to have it all together: your parents, your grandparents, your boyfriend’s parents?) In all honesty, this is really not the case 90% of the time, as NO ONE has their life together at 20 years old, but that’s definitely how it feels at times. And honestly, social media is Satan when it comes to this situation. I have a friend who just recently took a trip to Thailand on a study abroad to work with elephants for a week, because she wants to be a veterinarian. And when I saw her pictures, I thought, just for a few moments — maybe I want to be a veterinarian.

But that’s not me. That’s not who I am. When I was younger, yeah. I love animals, and I always have. But I don’t want to do surgeries on them and put little baby kitties and puppies down. None of that depression for me, thanks.

Recently, I really wanted to be a nurse. Or, well, I thought I did. Nursing is a great profession, honestly, and I think it would be a great thing to be a part of. Nurses get to help sick people, and sick cancer children and they get to be a big role in their lives. And I love the idea of that. But I couldn’t stomach the fact of leaving work every day with four kids in the ICU, hooked up to thousands of tubes, while I’m at home cozy in my bed with my healthy kids sleeping soundly in their rooms. I also couldn’t stomach the fact that I’d be wiping lots of butts and being the pukey police.

Random, completely irrelevant story to this post: I went to the hospital recently due to chronic vomiting/diarrhea/dehydration/etc. And the whole time, all I could think about is these poor nurses. One nurse gave me an EKG and then sent me back into the waiting room. I couldn’t make it to the waiting room, so I laid down on the floor in the next room over from the EKG. The next nurse came in, helped me up off the floor, and admitted me into a room. My night nurse, who was semi-crabby, continuously dealt with my crying, my saying “I feel like I’m dying, I can’t do this” (Yes, as embarrassing as it is, I actually said that. Multiple times.), kept getting extra blankets for me because I wouldn’t stop shivering, cleaned my puke like four times, and also waited for me right outside the door for 20 minutes when I couldn’t pee in the cup. She was a great nurse. But I don’t think I have the patience for that. Who knows? Maybe someday in my late 30s or 40s, I’ll go back and say “I should’ve gone to nursing school.” And if I say that and the Lord is willing to allow it, I’ll do it.

Life was so much easier when I was a kid. I wanted to be so many different things. A veterinarian. A writer. A chef. An actor. A singer. (Please no laughter, this was a serious dream of mine. I would pray every night that God would give me a better singing voice. I think that probably made him laugh.) For a little while I wanted to be a cheerleading coach. But then my mom and my sister both did it and now it’s a family joke, so that’s not gonna happen. Plus, parents of cheer moms are crazy. They could make a show about it. Oh wait…

Really though, I think those people who are left-brain dominant (analytical, scientific, mathematical) really are the lucky ones. They enjoy problem solving, science, methods, equations. These are the people that become brain surgeons, airplane engineers, trauma nurses. This is how one of my good friends is. He hacks, he programs, etc for hours. But then you have your right-brained people. Those who are fashion designers, makeup artists, photographers. Who work by inspiration and passion. This is the kind of person I want to be.
(Right now I work as a server. Does that make me a no-brain kind of person?)

So who am I? Who do I want to be? What do I want to be remembered for?

I don’t know. But I do know a few things. I want to inspire others. I want to help others in many different ways. I want to learn something new every day of my life. I want to travel. I want to see the world. I want to create, design. I want to proclaim the name of the Lord in everything I do. I want to learn to be kind (no laughing — I’m kinda serious). I want to love and be loved every day. I want to make memories with someone forever. I want to be worth knowing. I want to be well-remembered by friends and family as someone with a sweet spirit, who always knows how to keep a smile on people’s faces.

(Truthfully I’d love to be the next Amy Poehler. Goals too high? Got it. Let me back down a bit.)

Currently I’m a 20-year-old college student living day by day, working on figuring out where I’m headed. The road is long, but I’ve got high hopes, big dreams, and Jesus on my side.

I love writing. I love reading the same books over and over and watching the same movies and the same shows again and again and again. I like knowing how things turn out. I like keeping up to date with social media. I like coming home from work and laying on my bed watching my same two shows Netflix. I like talking to myself and I like shopping — a lot.
(PS: shopping and talking to yourself at the same time is the best/worst thing ever. I know that the retail ladies must think I’m crazy. I’ll pick up something, look at it and mumble, “That’s cute,” then I’ll glance at the price tag as subtly as possible and giggle as I put it back on the rack.)
I thoroughly enjoy people-watching and I like making lists of things I need to do. I like pretending that I have a YouTube beauty channel when doing my makeup in the mornings. (Maybe this is something that I shouldn’t admit. Does anyone else do that? Maybe I watch too much Jaclyn Hill.) I like having jam sessions by myself in my car and I like harmonizing with Jay when our favorite songs come on the radio. I like taking and editing pictures/videos. I like watching YouTube videos. I like walking on the treadmill at the gym while I people watch. I like theme parks (water parks gross me out, but that’s another story). I like dancing in front of my mirror like a typical girl. I like dumb puns and weird office humor. (What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it? Nothing. He just let out a little wine.) I like making people laugh.

I am who I am. I’m not a person who can change my personality based on who I’m talking to. I’m the same person through and through. I live to please Jesus as best as I can and he’s the only person whose opinion concerns me. I don’t know who I’m going to be in the future, but I can promise you I will be great in whatever I accomplish.

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