Justice, for ourselves and others

How we can manage our inner judge

I did something stupid. I did something stupid like 28 years ago. I remember it clearly because every few days, something will remind me and I’ll beat myself up about it anew.

Now, you might think, that must’ve been something really big. Did I hurt somebody? Did I get really hurt in the process? The answer to both would be no. It was benign. But, yet, here I am many, many years later beating myself up about it.

We all have something like this inside us, I think.

The External Justice System

I live in America and our criminal justice system is not perfect. It isn’t uncommon to find people in prison or jail who have very minor offenses. They have relatively minor offenses like been caught with their own private stash of weed. Or maybe they wrecked their neighbor’s fence while they were drunk one night.

The prescriptive punishment for such crimes is often prison time. How much depends on what happened, how believable they were to a jury and the color of their skin.

Do the crime, do the time, is what they say. Where the time is spent in prison doing… what exactly? Are they supposed to be thinking about what they did? Or maybe the offender is doing time while we are waiting for the aggrieved to get over it? What is justice here?

There’s a movement that wants to focus less on time behind bars and more on dealing with the wrongs we have perpetrated. This is known as restorative justice. And it is a wonderful movement that can change our sense of justice for the better.

This is justice where the offender takes responsibility for the damage they did and they provide restitution. If they destroyed somebody’s fence, they repair it to the owner’s satisfaction. The time and labor put into fixing it drives home the lesson that destruction is much easier than creation. It can show everybody involved the consequences of actions and it can teach respect for the values of others.

Not all crimes can be compensated in this way. But, when they can be addressed in this way, the outcomes are better for everybody involved. And in the end, there’s forgiveness. Reconciliation with the offended party can happen and there’s a sense of wrongs being righted. This process can even keep offenders out of the prison system.

Despite its many benefits, restorative justice is difficult to enact. It takes coordination between people and a willingness to grow emotionally.

The Internal Justice System

Inside each of us is a judge. A part of us that looks at our actions and tells us what we did wrong. That judge will often give sentences of shame and regret.

You weren’t there when a friend needed you? Well, the judge pronounces that you are self centered and selfish and that you should feel bad about it forever.

That judge isn’t picky about what they pronounce on either. They’ll pronounce judgements on any failing, whether it is a genuine mistake or something completely out of your control.

Didn’t get the job? Shame! You should have tried harder. Never mind the fact that there were 100 other applicants trying just as hard. Somebody finds you unattractive? Shame! You should be thinner, fitter, better dressed and better groomed! Your brother’s spouse annoys you and you hate that you feel that way? Shame!

We juggle these self condemnations about what we’ve done, who we are, how we feel and other factors that are out of our control.

There’s a strong correlation between the petty crimes of our minds and how we punish ourselves and the petty crimes of society and how we punish others. Like our justice system, we can be so eager to enact punishment on a perceived wrong that we forget what punishment is supposed to be for. Unlike our justice system, we have the power to change it.

To break our own prison cycle, we need to practice a brand of restorative justice. We need a mediator to address our infractions with, well… ourselves. We need our own inner lawyer.

That lawyer needs to question the motives of our inner judge. They need to ask ourselves, “To what purpose are we punishing ourselves?”

For any given crime the lawyer needs to ask ourselves:

Is this something I have any control over?

For crimes like appearances and feelings, we often have little control over these things. Our bodies are our bodies and our feelings are our feelings. We may not always be happy with them, but they won’t change just because you want them to. In which case, the self shaming is just us justifying self abuse. What is the point of punishing ourselves for something we have so little control over?

The control we have is in how we respond to these things. We can choose to be kind to others despite our feelings of anger. We can choose to let go of feeling less than for our physical differences.

And once we understand that, we will find that there’s no crime here. There is no purpose for the shame we carry.

The inner lawyer can tell the judge that there was no crime here and that all charges should be dropped.

Was this something I could have reasonably done something about?

Let’s say you opened the door to your parents’ room while they were having sex, embarrassing yourself and them. How long should you feel shame for that particular carelessness?

Was this something you could have reasonably done something different about? Yes, definitely.

You could have respected their privacy more. You could have remembered that they are adults in a long term relationship. You could have knocked. Or you could have waited until they came out of their room.

In this particular case, we should use our shame to motivate ourselves to do better. The lawyer can’t fight these charges. You own them beyond a reasonable doubt and are guilty as charged.

But, let’s be clear here. You own the action of opening the door. You don’t own the actions of others nor their reactions. What your parents were doing is not something you should take on guilt or shame for. If it is awkward or difficult for you, just use it to remind yourself of the potential consequences of your actions.

Our inner lawyer needs to advocate for us and shape the punishment for our growth and betterment. Maybe we consciously decide that the shame will motivate us to knock next time by replaying a little awkwardness whenever we approach their door. Or maybe a part of that restorative justice is to ask forgiveness of your parents for invading their privacy.

Was I capable of doing something different?

For crimes around behaviors, we have to be honest with ourselves about our capabilities. Were we healthy enough? Smart enough? Strong enough? Aware enough?

If the answer to any of these is no, then you have to let yourself off as well.

If there was no reasonable way to know your friend was afraid of plants when you bought her the peace lily, then why punish yourself? Sure it sucks that she freaked out when she saw it. And you can apologize as best as you can, but if this were a topic that never came up, how were you to know? You can’t be expected to know everything. We often think we’re more powerful than we are. Acknowledging our limitations is necessary here.

If you still can’t help but shed that shame, use it to motivate yourself to be more capable in the future. But, don’t let it to sit with you forever. Allow the inner lawyer to ask for acquittal on these charges.

How long will I keep punishing myself for this?

If you’ve been punishing yourself over something, it is good to ask if this is a punishment you still deserve. Maybe your shame helped shape you to be better, but now that those changes are habit and now it just feels like a painful wound.

Real world prison sentences have their endings.

At some point our sentence shifts from justice to abuse. When the punishment no longer fits the crime we must say to ourselves that we’ve paid our debt for this mistake and move on. You can do this even if the event has caused (or continues to cause) pain to others. Hurting ourselves without a corrective purpose will never make anything better. If we want to atone, that requires us to be a better version of ourselves.

That is, inner justice is necessary for outer justice.

Pardon Me

Shame has a long shelf life. An incident can trigger it and the resulting shame can last us a lifetime. Sometimes that can be a constructive thing. Sometimes we need that shame to help us to continue with good behaviors over the course of our lives. But, most of the time, we’re just carrying around pain. We’re holding onto it for no other reason than we feel we deserve it.

Emotions like happiness and joy seem to come and go as they please. Shame is different. It seems to need permission to be dismissed. And as long as shame is sitting at the table it crowds out room for other emotions.

We need to be purposeful in dealing with it. We need to evaluate when that emotion is no longer helping us and give ourselves the permission and the tools to pardon ourselves.