Why the Practice of Developed, Skillful Curiosity is the Better Way Through Stressful Human Interactions
Stepping into a conversation feeling stress, anxiety or fear is a difficult and even painful experience, whether because it’s fear of the known or the unknown.
One technique that often proves helpful more times than not is conducting ourselves with curiosity.
I wrote “conducting ourselves” because, while there are times when we’re naturally, intellectually curious, there are also other times where we are not feeling that motivation yet would benefit greatly by putting it into action.
That’s why, I suggest, it is a skill worth teaching yourself, practicing over and over, learning well and developing into a competency and strength.
Using it then in challenging moments, with skill, as a habit will greatly increase the odds you will feel stronger and create outcomes that are less stressful or much more satisfying. You will also feel empowered.
There are benefits and rewards on the other side of this skill becoming a masterful one for you.
It can become one of your superpowers.
Not everyone owns it. Most people don’t.
Let’s quickly, narrowly define curiosity, as a foundation for this conversation before moving forward. Curiosity can be accurately defined:
“A strong desire to know or learn something.”
Ok, simple enough, right? We have all experienced that in our lives.
Yet what about conversations, especially when stressed or within conflict, (not the type that is abusive) or where you expect some type of conflict?
What then?
Do you consider it possible and attractive to be strong enough develop the strong, poised, courageous, curious mindset and discipline to learn how to create a strong desire to know or learn something that might not naturally interest you?
Could you proceed and persist, with consistency, civility and respect?
Spoiler alert: you can.
More on the “how” a little later.
First, let’s talk about the “why” in a professional context.
“Approaching conversations with curiosity can offer workers and workplaces a number of benefits,” says Melissa Wesner, a licensed clinical professional counselor and founder of LifeSpring Counseling Services.
One of those benefits is that not as many important issues (however we define important) get swept under the rug. Conflict avoidance, as most of us learn in life, is rarely helpful and satisfying, especially long term.
It increases costs and risks and doesn’t feel good. It’s not considered healthy by most psychologists and therapists.
Assertiveness makes us feel a whole lot better than avoidance. So what is assertiveness, properly defined?
Being assertive means being able to stand up for your own or other people’s rights in a calm and positive way, without being either aggressive, or passively accepting ‘wrong’.
Assertiveness, coupled with sincere, skilled curiosity, creates understanding.
“People will be more likely to initiate and engage in needed conversations rather than avoiding and not talking about things,” Wesner says.
Another benefit is the breakthrough for the workplace environment because people are feeling more heard and understood and providing that gift to others.
You then have a courageous group that is learning to assume less, fear less, suspend judgment and learn through more curious problem solving.
“Teams can be more productive if all team members apply this concept when offering their feedback rather than assuming their feedback will be rejected, disliked, or received poorly,” Wesner says.
The more emotional, decision making and behavior buy in, the more potential for a dynamic, healthy, “safe” culture.
It is easy to get into our thoughts and “run” them as a computer program, leading to narratives that veer off from reality and allow assumption to rule over facts and possibility.
Our fears can easily becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy:
A prediction that causes itself to be true due to the behavior (including the act of predicting it) of the believer. Self-fulling means “brought about as a result of being foretold or talked about,” while prophecy refers to the prediction.
Developing a level of curiosity when you are not naturally experiencing it takes poise, empathy, caring about how others emotions and feelings, realizing to put a puzzle together (a successful outcome) it takes all the puzzle pieces, which is understanding where other people are coming from with their experiences, expectations, unmet needs, etc.
As stated earlier, this type of curiosity is a skill that is hard earned (yet can pay big dividends).
Kevin Eikenberry writes that there are “four ways curiosity can create real conversations.”
Eikenberry, the Chief Potential Officer of The Kevin Eikenberry Group, a leadership and learning consulting company, lists them:
When we are curious, we ask questions.
When we are curious, we listen for answers.
When we are curious, we are more interested.
When we are curious, we are ready to learn.
If we decide, with an egocentric attitude, that we just aren’t that interested in other people, we are accepting a cold reality: “In fact, I would argue that without curiosity, we won’t ever learn much,” Eikenberry says.
And when we don’t learn much about others, we don’t understand them and where their thoughts, feelings, attitudes and psychological and behavioral drivers are, and without those, there will be more tension in communicating and more struggles to produce powerful conversations, positive results and excellent relationships (if ongoing ones).
Conversations of curiosity are not always desirable or simple yet the “gold” is there if one is willing to politely, patiently, and with a commitment to learning, exercising empathy and generosity, mine for it.
Regardless of the challenge, curiosity, courage and active listening skills are tools to travel with in your professional and personal life.
The more difficult the human interaction, the more respectful curiosity required.
“In her book, ‘Dare to Lead,’ Brene Brown talks about her company’s use of the phrase, ‘We need to rumble,’ as a cue that a difficult conversation is needed,” Wesner says. “In yet another book, ‘The Art of Gathering,’ Priya Parker talks about how unproductive teams can be when the culture is such that all sweep important conversations under the table.”
Whether in our professional or personal lives, important conversations being swept “under the rug” or under the table might provide psychological safety short term but brings poor, sometimes dangerous or tragic outcomes long term. It’s also not healthy emotionally or psychologically.
Bold curiosity is always a choice yet it’s a smart one. It’s a superpower, when skillfully developed and regularly practiced, that each of us can own.
It then often becomes a calling card that earns someone a reputation as a highly-respected (and often well-liked) master of conversations (especially difficult ones), kindness and compassion.
The best at it also become known as natural relationship builders and producers of improved or successful outcomes.
Michael Toebe is a reputation specialist for organizations and high-profile individuals. He writes and publishes the weekly Red Diamonds newsletter on Medium and is the host of the short-segment podcast, Reputation Talk.
