How To Be a Human on Crisis Chat

By Michelle Kuchuk, with contributions from Chris Lazarus from Response Crisis Center

The number one complaint in chat and text crisis prevention is that counselors sound too robotic. Actually, I think the number one complaint about any chat or text interaction — whether it be with customer service, a crisis program, or with your uncle, is that sense of “I can’t tell what their tone is,” or sometimes worse, “They don’t understand me at ALL.”

I get it! It can be really difficult to not sound too formal or robotic over chat — especially since we do need to sound professional, as well. We add “lols” and tons of emojis when we text with our friends to convey tone. It can be hard to build rapport over chat without seeing or audibly hearing the visitor. As human beings, we rely on body language, or at least the tone of voice, for cues that have little to do with what they’re saying, and more to do with HOW they are saying it.

Some of the pitfalls that you and your counselors expertly guard against in telephonic counseling are somehow easier to fall into over chat. So what’s a counselor to do?? These are three pitfalls and their simple antidotes that can help you remember how to be a human over crisis chat.

1 — Incorporate ourselves more

It is easier to incorporate one’s humanity in-person. All you have to do is nod, and convey empathy through your posture, facial expression, and other nonverbal cues. Over the phone, we rely heavily on the warmth in our voice. When we text friends, we might use a million exclamation marks, emojis, and multiple letters for emphasis (“I cannot belieeeevveeee it!!!”). In chat, however, we get it into our heads that we can’t use “I” or “we” or express concern. There is a bias that it’s somehow not okay to express our humanity.

Since we do not have the benefit of posture, warmth, and other nonverbal cues, it is essential to figure out how to insert ourselves into the chat.

Antidote: Since we do not have the benefit of posture, warmth, and other nonverbal cues, it is not only okay to incorporate your humanity — it is critical in the quest to establish a connection. While this does not mean, “I went through this so you should do XYZ,” it can mean, “I’m really concerned about you. You mentioned a gun — do you have access to that right now?”

Things To Try:

• Match the language used by the chat caller
  Try using the same terms — e.g. mom/mother, gf/girlfriend. Using abbreviations and emojis are sometimes ok, but should be used sparingly.
• Intensifiers/Maximizers
  Since we don’t have our voices to convey warmth, intensity, or emphasis, we can express empathy by using intensifiers such as: “Jane, I can hear that you feel SO very hurt…”
• Use validation to show that YOU think what they’re going through is normal
  Lifeline counselors are validation experts! Validation over chat lets visitors know that their feelings are normal and natural and importantly — that YOU think so. You can say, “You are not alone. I’m here to listen” or “that makes sense” or simply, “I see.”

2 — Use ALL of our active listening tools

Sometimes, over chat, we don’t utilize all active listening strategies and techniques. In this pitfall, counselors understandably rely too heavily on questions — which cause even more of an interrogative atmosphere than over the phone.

Antidote: We know that the goal is to always create a sincere connection . Paraphrasing and reflection are particularly useful, because by digesting what the visitor says, reformulating it, and reflecting it back, you are demonstrating understanding. This is key, since that kind of empathy is more difficult for a robot or someone reading off of a script to do. Questions (both closed and open-ended) are important, but should be woven carefully into the conversation among your other active listening tools to ensure you do not sound cold, clinical, robotic, or interrogative.

Things To Try:

• Tentafier + Feeling Word + Source of the Feeling Word
  Example: “It seems like you’re feeling terrified after learning that your dad is angry at you again” or “It sounds like it’s incredibly overwhelming to face her at school, without having anyone to talk to.” Or “It sounds like you feel…” or “I get the sense that you feel…” or “From what you’ve been saying, I get the impression that you are feeling…” or “I get what you mean, that you feel…”
• Reflection and Paraphrasing
  Reflection and paraphrasing refer to re-wording statements to demonstrate understanding of the issue. Digest and interpret, and reflect or paraphrase to demonstrate understanding — or that at the very least, you’re trying to. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes! Chatters will see that we’re human. Focus on what they are feeling.

3 —Get Meta and Talk About the Problem

We’re human beings. As counselors, we’re sometimes stressed and overworked human beings. Sometimes, we become defensive if accused of being a robot. Or at the very least, we ignore or don’t really talk about the frustration that a visitor might feel regarding robotic language. In other words: the pitfall here is maintaining the wall that the computer screen provides.

Antidote: Call it out! Talk about it, talk through it, validate and recognize their understandable uncertainty or frustration at this particular medium. Remember: any feeling that is mentioned is a feeling that can be discussed in the greater context of what’s going on for them. Talking about it openly and honestly can only help develop and maintain rapport.

Things To Try:

• Responding to THE Question
  If a visitor asks, “Is this a ‘Bot?” You can first try to counter this by something like: “I am a real person, my name is… and I work as a crisis counselor at…”
• Call It Out
  If a visitor mentions that they’re frustrated because they feel as though they’re talking to a robot, or a counselor following a script, ask about it. Validate their feeling, and remind yourself that any feeling a visitor brings up is grounds for a (nonjudgmental) discussion.

Nobody wants to sound like a robot; we want to show chatters and texters that we understand what they are going through. We also want to actually understand what they are going through without the traditional cues of tone of voice, and other nonverbal signals. To practice all of this, put yourselves on the receiving end of the chat. If you ask yourself, “How would I interpret this?” it will become more and more natural. Be curious! Or simply ask yourself what a robot might do (or not do), and do the opposite.

At the end of the day, you will have SOME visitors who will be convinced that they are speaking with a bot, or are frustrated with the service. And as you know (but what is easy to forget), is that you are successful if you show the visitor that you are here if they need you. If not today, then someday.

If you’re involved with a crisis center and interested in joining the Lifeline, a network of over 150 crisis centers around the country, please email mtaylor@mhaofnyc.org.

If you or someone you know is struggling with depression or thoughts of suicide, reach out. The Lifeline is available 24/7 at 1–800–273-TALK (8255).