Online Dating is an awkward minefield.

Melody Glass
Jul 10, 2017 · 2 min read

8–16–2016

I’ve used online dating on and off for about 5(?) years at this point. Considering that I’m in my mid 20s, that means that for the majority of my dating life, I’ve used it as a tool to meet people. Jury is still out on whether it romantically stunted me, but it certainly has made me really lazy about making romantic connections.

Recently, I decided to quit it all together, but as I was dumping them and deactivating my accounts, I paused on my Coffee Meets Bagel app. For those unfamiliar, you get 10 bagels a day, and you can decide whether you’re interested or not. You do the swipey thing, and if you match, voila, you have a line of communication. It seemed harmless enough to just keep one, so I thought, eh, it’s fine! It’s what, 10 matches a day? I’ll flip through. This way I’m not taking myself out of the game entirely.

About a month into consistently matching and forgetting to message the guys (like the awful person I am), I matched with an very interesting individual. Now right off the bat, this guyhad a lot of questions. They were unrelated, oddly personal, and kind of funny? For example, he asked “What’s your favorite ice cream” and then immediately asked “Do you have a car and/or license.” Naturally, I told him it was not pragmatically appropriate to be asking questions the way he was(#SLP). He apologized and told me he was doing it to write an ode to me.

I decided this was funny and only mildly creepy, because this is probably the most effort someone has put into online dating and it’s not like I have to meet with him. I gave him my email and waited a couple hours (By waiting, I mean I completely forgot and watched TV with my roommate). He returned this:

I have many problems with this poem:

  1. It is not an ode.
  2. It is not grammatically correct
  3. None of my answers to his questions were even remotely contained in the “ode”.
  4. The meter is all over the place?? I feel like odes need meter.
  5. It is actual nonsense.

What I learned from this is that online dating should not be taken seriously, and when really really really interesting individuals rise to the surface, it can be hilarious and fun, though mildly confusing. But hey, if you match with a person who starts asking innocuous weird questions, please share your ode with me so we can compare them. FOR SCIENCE.

Addendum: 7/10/16 — This has been sitting in my drafts for a year now?? This gem of a poem should be shared.

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