Defining Good Communication in Kink and BDSM

Communication is extremely important in this scene. It is required in order to feel valued and even more importantly, to avoid confusion and mistakes (sometimes very costly ones).

When you ask people to describe what they look for in a partner, many will list “good communication skills”. And I imagine if you asked most people, they would tell you that they personally have great communication skills. but what does that actually mean? Does it mean that they can correctly identify and share the emotion they are experiencing, or does it mean that if you ask a question, they will give you a direct answer or does it mean something else entirely? Considering it doesn’t encapsulate one specific thing, how one person defines good communication is likely very different than how another would.

I personally value good communication and for me this means that I like when someone is able to articulate their thoughts well, that they communicate in a consistent manner and that they make themselves available to engage in back to forth dialog.

But there are so many different ways for this to be measured:

• Topics. Some people may be decent at sharing their ideas and thoughts on most topics, but incapable or unwilling to discuss more difficult topics such as openly discussing issues within the relationship.
• Amount and volume. Some people prefer succinct communication while others value more detailed interactions and responses.
• Direct vs indirect. When communicating, some may want people to lead in to more difficult topics while others just want the band-aid ripped off.
• Availability. Some people need to communicate often throughout the day, while others only require the occasional check in, to have their needs met.
• Timeliness. Similar to above, but more specifically, when a question or issue arises, some may want an immediate reply, while others are content for the other person to respond once they have a chance to form their response/return the phone call.
• Delivery. A person’s ability to express themselves can be different depending if it’s text, a phone call or in person.
• Emotional state. People communicate differently when they are upset or angry, then they do when they are calm.
• Kik & Whatsapp. I’m referring to how someone copes if their message has been received, but not replied to or even if someone has been on their phone but chosen not to read a response.
• Emojis. Some people hate them, some love them. This may seem like a silly point to address, but I’m sure we all have a friend that communicates almost entirely with emojis, and then the friend that still uses : ) as a smiley face.
• Vocabulary and grammar. Some would define good communication as having a strong grasp of the language and using the correct sentence structure to articulate it.

Some could argue that some of the above is not “communication”, but I would argue that although it may not, it may be how some people define whether a person is good at communicating… Whether it fits the actual definition of communication is irrelevant if your partner feels that it is related to communication.

Ultimately, I think when most people say they want someone that communicates well, they mean they want to meet someone whose communication style matches there. If they text frequently throughout the day, they want someone who can match that. If they are articulate and love to have lengthy conversations about the nuances of their D/s dynamics, then they will want someone who will match them in this way.