I’m about to go into my Cocoon (again)
I haven’t talked about it much, except with people who see me or interact with me daily. People who are impacted. People from whom I need grace, patience, and help.
I haven’t talked about being pregnant, because this next conversation is difficult to have: This baby, too, has decided to return to Eternity.
Except this time I know it is a girl. We did the fancy blood tests and everything was “low risk.” Except this time I was having fun picking out names, and talking about it with Lanaea (Her name-of-choice for the baby is “Rapunzel.”). Except this time I was ready to receive this new Soul into our family, and I wondered what new ingredient she’d bring to our lives.
Because I’ve done this before, I have both the favor of “already knowing what I need” and the curse of “already knowing how it is going to suck.”
Except this time it is moving quickly. We couldn’t find a heartbeat on Monday. We confirmed it by ultrasound on Tuesday. I’m telling people Wednesday. (It’s also possible I had a Margarita and I drank it WAY. TOO. FAST. last night. #TheyTasteLikeSlurpees)
Because it is our second Second-Trimester miscarriage, our next step is genetic counseling (I am both hopeful “maybe it is a problem we can fix” and trepidatious, “maybe it’s my fault.” I promise that I release any “maybe-it’s-my-fault-guilt” as soon as I notice it.)
I am in a bit of a fragile space. I am present to what I can’t handle, and I send it away. I am remembering that I “took a lot longer than I expected” last time, and I’m granting myself “as long as I need, and I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough space and I’m back.”
I am moved by my support system, and my heart breaks for the women who don’t already have a village. We aren’t taught how to build one, and we don’t come with one pre-installed. Because I don’t think I could breathe without mine. My heart breaks for men who can’t fix this. Because this time, for sure, it is not about the nail, and that is the same thing as torture.
Here is what I need + Advice on HOW TO INTERACT WITH ME:
- Please relate to me as strong. My belief system sources me an incredible amount of power. Grief is happening, but I am empowered by the big picture, I have access to laughter and joy, and I am present to the wholeness of myself and humanity.
- I am happy to receive your stories of your journey, condolences, healing, words of wisdom. I need you to first check in with me to see if I have space. Sometimes I need to be focused on the next thing, or being in good shape for Lanaea. That sounds like, “Do you have space to receive a story?” or “Do you have space for a hug?” “Do you have space to tell me about…?” If it is a love note over email, just send it, I will look at it when I can.
- Please remember that a natural part of my self-expression is taking meaningful action, and I’ll be doing that. It is part of “loving myself to wholeness.” (Don’t worry. Anything I do will be meaningful, and forwarding the action. I’m a Rock Star that way!!!)
- If you are compelled to contribute to our family, something we always love to receive is:
* Food. Especially when the main ingredient is Love.
Lanaea and I are vegetarian. Severin is Vegan, and is in Bellingham on Weekends. Zachary eats anything, as often as possible.
* Rides to and from school and Scout functions for Zachary.
* Picking things up from the store, if you happen to be making a trip.
* Taking Lanaea out to do fun things, or coming over to do fun things with Lanaea. We are both extroverts so connecting with people is important to both of us.
* Providing me pleasant company while I putter around the house. See note about extroversion above.
* Take Severin and Zachary out to do fun things. It’s really easy for Men to get lost in providing and protecting, and they need their tanks filled with fun and humor.
* The thing I am most likely to be is tired. It’s exhausting on my body, my heart, my soul. So anything you have to offer is welcome to be offered.
- Love people. Love yourself. Heal. Live passionately. Take risks. Kick @$$. Find Faith. Find Happy.
Our love to you,
Christine and Severin.