Chasing Amy’s Recommendation on Medium

Don’t You Want My Content… Don’t You Want It, Ohhhhhh

I shan’t admit defeat. I shan’t!

In spite of my best efforts, I’ve yet to get her to take my poor, pitiful outline of a heart and fill it Kelly green.

I’ve tried to pique her interest with long, researched treatises. I’ve tried to garner a chuckle with snappy little blurbs. She once told me the size of the content didn’t matter, but I think she was being kind.

Maybe I came on too strong. In hindsight, when I recorded my song parody “Baby, I’ll Follow Your Publication” (to the tune of “Ants Marching” by Dave Matthews Band) and played it on a boom box outside her office — that may have been a bit much. But a fella’s gotta stand out in a crowd.

Or maybe it was the poor timing of my appreciation. We happened to be riding the same elevator when I followed her on Twitter. Her iPhone buzzed, she read “Doug is following you!” and she just looked at me nervously.

Or maybe I was too quick to “favorite” her Vine where she was red-faced and crying after a TSA patdown (it turned out I was the only one who favorite…ed).

One day she’ll appreciate my content. What content is she recommending now? Written by some buff, toned Crossfit enthusiast with a man-bun. Fine… I can see why she might find all that appealing. She says she likes to read it while she waits in line at Juice Generation. She says his content really reaches her. It’s “akin to her sensibilities.” He follows her back and says one day she’ll go viral. But I guarantee you — that content she stamped her heart on today is dying to get between Buzzfeed’s style sheets tomorrow.

She doesn’t realize the truth about him. He pops up in a different publication every day. Sometimes two at a time. And he doesn’t even own malware protection! Who knows what viruses that last post gave her?

She’ll come around. When that day comes, where will my content be? Will it be pathetically waiting around for her second hand page views? HA! I mean…well… actually, yeah it will. And pretty readily accessible, too. That’s kinda how the internet works. Dang it all.

In the meantime, I’ll be working on my new song parody “Don’t You Want My Content” in ode to the Human League. Let’s see… “you were working part-time hours at the Genius Bar…”