My Love Life (unsurprisingly!) Part One
Now I know what you‘re thinking, this is going to be like any other online blog about a blogger’s opinion about love, social realism, and maybe an eventual happy ending. Well, you could say that these themes run through my entries and if you think, “no I don’t want to read anymore”, then fine, I won’t judge you. But if you, like me, are a sucker who can relate, or just likes how other people are going through life, then welcome.
Ok, so lets start from the beginning, (obviously not when I was born because that is a bit too far … and irrelevant), instead lets fast-forward to a few years later, when I was a little girl, like many others, I loved fairy tales! (I say “loved”, I still do, I’m not afraid to share that, we are all friends here), I love how these princesses had ordinary traits like most of us girls have, and how they meet the perfect guy who they will spend the rest of their lives with. Since then I have always dreamed of meeting my perfect guy, someone who didn’t care what I looked like, or what my background was, and yet still treated me like a princess. But we all know that we live in reality and these fantasies of girls finding their prince is totally untrue. Yet still, to this day, I hopelessly believe that there is a guy out there for me, who will treat me like a princess.
Yes, I know what you’re probably thinking, “is she really this immature that she thinks there is a “prince” out there for her?”, but hear me out yeah? I haven’t had a relationship before, ok I had like two five-minute relationships when I was about twelve, but I’m not going to count those. I also as I am writing this, aged 20, still haven’t had my first kiss, and haven’t done anything with a guy, like ever. If you are like me and have done nothing with someone, then you will probably know that the longer you leave it, the harder and more self conscious you feel when you eventually do it.
But there is something else that could be the reason why I’m struggling to find love, my sexuality. I don’t know if I like girls as well, I mean I know that I like guys but sometimes I do sort of feel attracted to women. Sometimes it is sexual but usually I feel some sort of attraction to women. I mean I am more sexually attracted to guys, but I still fantasise about women just like I do guys. If you are someone who has feeling for the opposite and/or same sex, you might read this and know exactly why I feel like this, and if you do I would really like to hear your ideas. I will be totally, 100% honest with you guys, and I apologise in advance if I offend anyone when I say that I don’t know anything about same sex relationships, and how do you know if you like someone of the same sex? Because I missed that time when some people experiment (actually to be honest, I don’t know if there is a right age to be experimenting). I don’t know how I feel; maybe it is just because I haven’t done anything that makes me not know anything. Does that make sense? I haven’t had the opportunity to try and see how I feel towards men and women.
As I said I’m sexually attracted to guys so that means I’m definitely into guys right? I’m sorry if I am coming across pretty clueless but I have no idea about anything like that, and if any of you can maybe help me I would really appreciate it. But for now, as I am pretty certain I like guys, this entry will focus on guys until I can figure out how I feel about the same sex (which I will probably be speaking about in some of my later entries).
Now, not having done anything with a guy isn’t what I would call a choice, although I am crazy shy in front of the opposite sex. There is a reason, which I think is why no one has what we would say “popped my cherry” yet. I wont go into detail but the basis of it is that when I was about 15 I became a wheelchair user and have had my fair share of steroids to help with my mobility, making me a look like a chipmunk, and to this day, I still use a wheelchair. Now before I go any further, I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, or pity me, because I am fine with it, as I always say, there are worse of people than myself.
Anyway, so for a teenager, a wheelchair is a big barrier for finding love, especially for a 15-year-old boy. As I got older nothing had changed, at university no one would bat an eye for me, it was always my friends who would get the guy and always have a boyfriend. Still these “men” were too immature to handle a woman in a wheelchair, and I will be honest with you ladies and gents, I didn’t exactly try to put myself out there either, I mean maybe I should just pluck up the courage and tell someone how I feel about them. But the guys who I would like would be either way too out of my league, or my friends, who if you are mates with someone, you don’t want to jeopardise your friendship by telling them you like them and them not feeling the same way. Plus I don’t do well to being rejected, even if I am told by a teacher to answer a question and they tell me I got it wrong, I will cry. As I got older. obviously I wouldn’t break down but I still would get really shaky and shed a tear … anyway! I seem to be getting off the subject don’t I? Where was I? Oh yeah guys that I like! As I tend to overthink what would happen if I tell this guy how I feel about them, it will usually end up with me getting too shy and nervous, and just not saying anything to them. Is this the wrong decision? Am I being too stupid? Whatever it was my love life was going nowhere.
I mean I fall for a guy way too quickly, if any guy even talks to me or who can have a laugh with me without caring what I am sitting in, I will automatically fancy them. If you were to ask me now about if there is a guy who I fancy at the moment, the chances are there probably is. I don’t know whether I am on my own on this, or whether there are other people who have the same thoughts as me, but either way, at my ages it seems immature. Is it because I am so insecure and inexperienced that I have no idea what the “signals” if you fancy someone are?
