My Love life (unsurprisingly!) Part Two

There is a guy now (shocker!) that I kind of like and we get along really well, we joke about, he’s the one who usually comes and starts the conversation first, in classes we usually look at each other a lot and laugh. Does that mean that he likes me? Does it mean that we are just good friends? I am just so new to this that I don’t have a clue! I mean I know some of you probably think, “just tell this guy that you like him?”, or to just ask him what the deal is between the two of us. But it isn’t that simple, first of all, I don’t like telling people my emotions, it doesn’t come natural to me, I have only recently started to hug and kiss my mum! How was I going to go up to a guy and say that I fancied him? I mean I feel like he is such a good friend, what if I tell him how I feel and things get really awkward between us? We still have another year and a bit of university, I don’t want to make it so awkward that every day until we graduate we have to avoid each other. Saying something like that would jeopardise our friendship and I really like him.

Maybe it will pass, I mean I liked a guy at university before and I stupidly acted like I was “one of the guys” who talks about boobs and football. So when one of our good friends (who on a drunken night in where we got to know each other more, [mostly about me and how I feel about the guy I liked] I told him that I liked this guy), very subtly told this guy if he saw me in a romantic way, in which he said he never really thought about me in that way before, to be honest I was kinda shocked … Theeeeennnn about a few weeks after, I didn’t have the same girly reaction when he messaged me out of the blue, and when I saw him I just felt a bit disgusted. I know that’s bad but I don’t know why he disgusts me, he has done a lot for me but yet that’s how I feel. This isn’t the first time either, several years ago I really connected with a guy (who turned out to be gay), we would talk until the early hours of the morning, I would have my leg over his lap while he massaged it, he would sleep in my bed (nothing happened guys!), he took me to Nandos for valentines day, this was when I was full of steroids and at my worst. But one day I just started to have this disgusting feeling about him and we stopped talking. Luckily I bumped into him a few weeks ago and that disgusting feeling had gone, thank god! The thing is though, if this becomes a pattern I will end up finding this new guy disgusting, and I don’t want to because like the other two, he is so down to earth and I don’t want anything to change between us. So you see why I don’t want to jeopardise our friendship right? Does that sound dumb?

I know this sounds really crazy, but I would imagine what it would be like if him and me were together. Nothing weird just stuff like holding hands, one would be that if he came out of class and saw me leaning against a wall, just see me and kiss me off guard (obviously in these fantasies I can walk), another would be that if I would go on and on about my insecurities, he would just quickly lean in and kiss me to shut me up. Ok maybe those last two were a tad weird … or all of them. I know these fantasies could become a reality if I just tell him that I like him but I physically can’t. Which is why I end up liking guys who I know I will never get together with, or even speak to … and those guys are celebrities, in particular a certain British homosexual athlete from Plymouth who happens to only be a year older than me (that’s all I’m telling you). Yes I know he is engaged and I have absolutely NO chance with him, but I have loved him since he was in the 2008 Beijing Olympics, I’ve grown up watching him (not in a stalker way, just on the telly doing his thing) and I know this will sound really lame but he is such an inspiration to me. Alright, that does sound weird but I know that there will be no rejections, no drama, just clean, healthy fan girling. Now I know any fan girls and guys out there will know exactly what I am on about and for me it just makes my love life a whole lot easier.

Anyway shall we get back to the subject? Yeah I think so too. I’d always wanted this so called “happy ending”, even if it was just to have 5 seconds of feeling as though someone liked me. To be honest with you I still want that to happen, but of course, in my mind, no guy would want to have a relationship with me, yes that does sound like I am putting myself down, which you could say I am, but that’s not the point. Well maybe it is the point. People say that a guy will come, and when he does that he will like you for you. Now as I already mentioned, I’m 20, and I am not getting any younger, the older I get the more nervous and inexperienced I am when I eventually have my first kiss, and go further. That is why I have decided that I need to change myself in order for this to happen, this means losing weight, taking care of my appearance, and maybe making myself more mobile (in terms of walking). The mobility thing I know is a big deal because trying to fight a disability that I don’t know if I will have my whole life or not is a lost cause, but I mean I have got to do something right? Maybe not as drastic as it seems but I have to do something to push things on.

I mean all my friends have had boyfriends or girlfriends, done the deed, and most people at my uni have done “the deed” on numerous occasions. So you must understand that being the odd one out is so annoying and makes me feel quite lonely. I see my friends cuddling, joking around and having the time of their lives with the person that they love right in front of me. Constantly putting on a hypothetical mask in front of them in order to show that I am happy for them, (which I am), but still it made me wonder, “Will I ever get this?”. The stories that my friends tell me about their relationships and how they got together makes me think, “does anybody look at me and think ‘wow that girl is so beautiful’”, it made me extremely envious. Knowing that someone liked me and wanted to be with me would make me the happiest girl (yeah sorry about the cliché). But for now, this is just a fantasy.

As you have probably guessed I love my romance! In films and American high school television series, well come to think of it, any tv series. I love how I can relate to the lead girl (or guy) in so many ways and eventually they end up with someone who you would have thought was out of their league (usually someone unpopular dating someone popular). Yes I know those are fictional stories and it is unlikely to actually happen, but while I am watching these romances, I get so sucked in that I think I am the lead character. But then obviously once the series or film ends, I realise that what I just watched was fictional and not real. Yet the more that I watch romances, the more I want it to happen to me and it starts to seem like it regularly happens to people. Ok maybe it’s because I haven’t had a relationship, that I am so naïve to think that these fairy-tale like stories will actually happen to me, or maybe it’s because I grew up watching all of the Disney princess stories so happy endings are what I have been grown up to think.

But what I do believe is that (as stupid as it sounds) there is someone out there for everyone. I just don’t know if I have met that person yet, how you approach them, if you know that they are “the one”, how you know that they are “the one”, and when the hell is it going to happen to me!?

I guess for now this is not a goodbye, more a “speak to you soon” type of ending to this entry. So I will let you know the progress of my love life when I know

:)