When Will ISIS be cool?
1660’s, Central America, François l’Olonnais was coming into his own. His name would be known throughout the spanish empire for his legendary piracy and unrelenting practice of beheading every spaniard that crossed his path. Those were the men that got off easy. Cutting small pieces of flesh, burning alive, and “woolding”, which involved tying knotted rope around the victim’s head until their eyes were forced out, were all a possible fate. A man with a distinguished career as a buccaneer who stole from spanish treasure vessels, which the spanish stole from native peoples, is credited as having stolen 520,000 spanish doubloons, worth $208,000,000 in gold today. But, pirates are cool right?
Yesterday i was working one of my prestiges Los Angeles, out of work creative type, do anything for money type of jobs. Catering can actually be pretty fun for what it is, lots of work, but a constant reminder of how people with money can be so silly, especially in LA. It was a trade event for wedding planners, and everything at this party, which was a formal attire type of event, was donated in the hope that they would reciprocate. It’s funny what you learn working these types of events. How successful people are always doing subtle power moves to constantly remind you that they are in charge. It was a two course dinner with two different options for each; first course, and an entrée. A secret vegetarian option that was for request only was also available. We served the dinner by alternating each dish to every other guest and encouraged sharing. Afterall it’s a free dinner showing off to the wedding industry. This is when the funny things happened. Of course we got requests for vegetarian plates almost immediately, because some people are actually vegetarians. Fine, we can help you, but also it gave the chefs an idea of how many vegetarian entrées to prepare. I’m sure every non-meateater is going to scoff at what i say next but after the first course, the control freaks, the adults with child tongues, and the straight liars proceeded to make our lives a huge nightmare. First course seven vegetarians in a party of two hundred. Entrée time, out of nowhere, four at table four, three at table seven, two at table one, and so on. This is one of the finest catering companies in LA with an incredible Lamb dish, and a killer beef dish, and one by one people are dropping like flies and completely throwing off the kitchen, especially this one guy.
Pirates are cool right? Swashbuckling skallywags and shivering timbers. Blood thirsty thieves out on the high seas, pillaging the supply line of genocide between the old world and new. The perfect accessory to a beautiful meal at a gala of the people that plan the most special day of your life, right? We’ve all seen a jolly roger, it’s a symbol of freedom, of anarchy, of independence. But also a skull and two crossed cutlasses because more than likely those two items would come uncomfortably close to one another. Now picture, a skinny dude with suspenders that looked like he could have starred on project runway. Not quite hipster, not quite on fleek. He really loved that pork dish, but who wouldn’t, it was great, a true work of culinary art. All of a sudden, he’s blaming a bunch of hard working staff that would dare bring him the beef entrée. “I’ve been asking for vegetarian all night!” he says, “I’ve never been so disrespected, I can’t believe this service, do you realize what you are doing to your boss on such a big night.” I look down and what do i see poking out from under his rolled up trousers but a jolly roger on the outside of each of his socks.
I would never dare call myself a critic of food, or fashion. I’m a lowly waiter, at least this evening, that enjoys the basics; video games, netflix, podcasts, ramen noodles. I have even taken my own personal fashion risks at a wedding, one time i wore orange slacks to one. I am however not a dick, call me hypocritical, lazy, pandering, even selfish, but i would never pull a stunt like that. I have never in my life wanted so much to be a pirate, and l’Olonnais is a perfect example. His life in the new world started as an indentured servant, a short term slave, that probably had to put up with the same kinds of ass-hole like behaviors from people in big houses with fancy clothes, prestiges titles and careers. Piracy seems logical when the people that seem like they have everything only want one thing, for you to know that they are better than you. So what do i do, The modern version of piracy, a blog post of character assassination. Of course the Title of this article is about the Islamic state, and i’ve talked about nothing but, pirates, and some short pants.
The flag of Isis will probably one day be a fashion statement. A reminder of when a small band of people turned their noses at the establishment and said we want a different life. A group of warriors with a true mission and calling, or at least that’s what a future generation might think. Never mind the subjugation of women, beheading of journalists, throwing gays off of tall structures, murdering people of the same faith that have a slightly different interpretation of a few books that they see as the handwriting of God. I mean all that stuff is cool right? These are a suppressed people that are acting out in a way that is understandable because when the needs of the people aren’t met, they rise up and take action. They could also just be under a mass delusion that there is a being that has all of the answers. That they interpret every bad action towards them as proof that they are on a holy path. That God is proving to them they are correct. That all of the world are infidels with their women that drive cars and their tolerance of basically anything that doesn’t infringe on another person’s rights. Whatever the political aspect might be, one day an ISIS t-shirt, just like a jolly roger sock, will be worn by someone, probably trying to be “edgy,” probably entitled, to make a point that they aren’t like the rest of the ass-hats they mingle with, and some future “has to have a real job” will look at them and wonder why they paid attention in history class, and now have to serve the person that celebrates the worst aspects of humanity all in the name of fashion and a plate of vegies.