Chameleon
“A Chameleon is the animal, which change according to surrounding, feature similar to human.”
“There are so many different walks of life, so many different personalities in the world. And no longer do you have to be a chameleon and try and adapt to that environment — you can truly be yourself.”
PROLOGUE
Last month, Dan had moved back from Amsterdam to his home village back North and as it was summer without a job nonetheless money so Dan was deep inside worried about the future to the point that it could’ve been seen on him and also from the strange behavioral in some occasions like women getting close to be “hitted” or old friends showing up. Back in Amsterdam he had been “studying & working” & experiencing daily Dutch life (really doing hard drugs that may have permanently changed how he sees this little imaginary pile of shit we like to call Earth or like a scientist would say ‘Tellus’ along with many nice looking hookers that he used to get familiar to already earlier back in the day he was working for one of the biggest buildings and banks in Frankfurt. He had just turned 24 and already been without parents for the third of his life and been in jail & army and lived and lied his way through in three different countries) and different cultures along with the other international students.
Just somehow, maybe being the things mentioned earlier as well as reminding the fact that Dan had carried eight caskets to the grave despite his young age he never really had felt like being a part of group of any kind and as that didn’t happen even in the Amsterdam where everybody basically lived and spent days together made Dan question whether he was just too broken and seen too much or that he had some kind of psychopath tendencies. Maybe it was those tendencies that even earned him his nickname “Chameleon” as a young street-rep looking nuthead many years ago as he seemed to be a born actor and fit perfectly into any crazy nutheaded situation he ended up to, and believe me there were many.
Being Chameleon, he was however able to get into good graces with the staff & students in Amsterdam as well as the bankers and street dealers/hookers in Frankfurt. Now, being back home in this dead little village with nothing to do penniless except relentlessly jerking off or fucking some junkie whore while getting as high as possible there wasn’t nothing much else to do. And since any of those activities seemed to bring Dan even the smallest bit of comfort, not to even say happiness, he felt like he had just seen enough and that there wasn’t that much left for him to experience anymore. Of course, he was still addicted though but even that didn’t seem to bring any happiness.
Chapter 1
Woke up this morning puking blood for a second day in a row. Not sure if it’s a coincidence but just two nights ago just before this shit started I took my first hits ever from fentanyl and I got to admit it felt pretty damn good. Now, I’m starting to believe that damn piece of shit were made by CIA to speed up the natural selection to get rid of all the horrible junkies distracting “their utopic” streets. Well, maybe I’m getting overexcited or just too paranoid since it’s been four nights since I last slept and just took some coke and MDMA couple days in a row. Maybe I shouldn’t even be writing this but instead being in bed to get some sleep but as four 2mg Xanax pills didn’t rest the case, I now almost feel like it’s my citizens duty to open up to all you poor souls how it’s been going on lately.
So, just after I got back from Amsterdam I was called to a job interview and got the place. Future was really looking bright first time in a long time financially with 2.6k monthly income, but just couple of hours later my “boss-to-be” called me that there was a mistake and that they would hire someone else instead. Afterwards I found out it was because of my ethnic background as I’m half minority, but at this age I’ve grown not to take it even personally anymore.
So, it seemed like the only way to get back on my feet was to get back on selling drugs, which eventually led me to use of subutex and oxycodone on massive daily amounts. I was earlier heavily involved in the drug business, but now the whole industry had changed while I had been abroad for almost last 18 months because everybody was getting it from the Internet and I had intentionally gotten out of all the “not-that-good” relationships I used to have back in the day. So, in many cases I was not willing to build the burned bridges back together again.
So I started moving tex as it was the easiest to sell & profit margins were highest even though it was probably the dirtiest business there was and I had just always hated that shit because it lead to the suicides of all my friends that have committed one. I know many people have promised themselves not to ever take drugs or at least certain drugs. Only thing regarding drugs I ever had promised myself was that I would not ingest tex, however that decision just got to see my 24th birthday. The reasons — like who needs reasons but to be honest after I finally got back home among my so-called family & friends and I suddenly had never felt more alone in my whole life and that I wasn’t even capable of having a proper conversation many times with strangers, also it was the only drug yet to experience for myself so it was too adventurous for me not to take the damn thing.
Now I’m already getting withdrawals from the opioids because I decided just yesterday that I’ve had enough of this shit (for a while at least) and yesterday had a good reminder of why I decided to get out of the “game” in the first place by moving to Frankfurt couple years ago. Back then, I had started to realize that it was time for me to change my whole lifestyle, because I had been living among liars, thieves, thugs & addicts all my life and belonged in their merry little group. I didn’t expect it to be easy, because when you’ve had access to almost everything that is denied by your country’s laws since age of 14, and have done some unfortunate but also unforgettable acts, everyone in my your little hometown seems to have an opinion about you. (One time I even went to my friend’s house who was still living with his parents and his father called the police to remove this “youth criminal” from his property without even asking me to leave.)
The biggest single reason for my will to change however were these fucking abusive assholes around these junkie groups and this time (yesterday) I was the asshole-abuser myself literally as I fucked up the ass and got a desperately eager blowjob from this tex-shooting hottie mommy with a little baby in a room next to us to get the payment. Afterwards I gave her half-a-ball for the job and she looked almost too satisfied since I considered that very cheap, but on the other hand her eyes looked like she had seen much, so maybe this was just easier than normal day to get her morning fix. Then I just wanted to rush out of the apartment as she started cooking the shit to get my own mind fucked properly so I didn’t have to keep thinking about that baby and the shitty future ahead of her. She even texted me later if I would be interested to go again tomorrow. I never replied.
Still, don’t take me as that good-hearted jolly-good boy — I have abused countless people in the past without most of them even noticing. From small-level scams to stealing credit card informations and making tens of thousands in debt for people and companies. Hell, once we even made with my best friend at the time, Mike, this one poor guy to move out of his apartment for like half a year since we made him believe that one MC gangster was after him so he moved to like five hundred miles away and gave us the key for the apartment.
Meanwhile we turned the apartment into a fully automatic marijuana plantation and eventually crashed the whole apartment by having these crazy drug-filled parties in there — my personal last memory of the apartment was that it was just filled with blood, junk, shattered glass and everything from windows to walls were fucked up. I never saw the poor pal again in my life, but apparently banged her sister in a threesome later once, or at least so I later heard. At the time it happened I really used to go weeks without remembering single moment from whole time, so I’m really not sure about the truth. I’ve been using now for years and never really given shit about that. On that time haven’t really given a single fuck if it wasn’t actually about fucking or getting fucked up.
Sometimes I get the feeling that I need to get sober to be able to complete some higher mission that maybe even some higher power put me up on to this planet and that horrifies me, which is why I’m writing. I couldn’t really wake up tomorrow, meet my neighbor at our postal boxes and tell him “Good Morning! By the way, I’ve decided to stop taking drugs, because I have a MISSION! How about some support?”
With a bit of a luck, poor bastard would inevitably move out of the whole neighborhood or call the cops. I can’t talk about this to my “friends” neither, because all of them are also fucked up through day & night, and so wouldn’t be the most supportive group of bandies helping you to stay sober. Some would think that I’ve finally messed up my brains permanently with all the chemicals, some would not care and the rest would probably laugh. I could’ve talked to guys who I trusted and who really understood me like Mike, Jesse, Snow or Henry, but they’re all dead already. So poor souls get ready here’s my story.
EXTRACT FROM DAN’S DIARY Pt.1
4th of November 2015
“You can never know if you’re on the right road until you lose your way.”
There I was sitting on my laptop listening to Warren Zevon songs and thinking about my early adulthood years and all the shit that I had been through and suddenly that thought I’ve written above suddenly popped into my mind. It sounded like perfect explanation of how the shit works in universe and I started wondering if anyone ever said that before. I was starting to create some short story where I would include that actual phrase, but instead I decided to start a diary. To be honest I’m not really sure what this will become, hopefully this is the start of something unique and amazing.
I’m 22-year old man from little town called xxxxxx city. I’ve been living there my whole life and in three weeks I’m moving to one of the biggest cities in the biggest country of Europe; Frankfurt, Germany. I’m going to be working there in the bank, the second biggest one in Germany. I’m very much looking forward to it since I have felt many months that all I need is a change of scenery. This have been little hectic in our lovely village, I broke up with my girlfriend after 3 years and after that I got pretty lost; it was all drinking, self-loathing, hatred and lots of both drugs and girls. Last week my childhood friend was found brutally murdered in the forest, and two days later other childhood friend of mine were arrested for the deed. It fucked up me and many friends of mine. Life haven’t been easy again ever since and it have been depressing to see how many friends and also strangers lifes were affected by his murder. Paradoxally, that has been affecting my mood about moving abroad negative. Even though it feels like perfect place to escape everything I would like to be there to support all my friends and family. However, I feel like I owe to my soul to take this trip and become what I may have to become, you never know until you’ve tried, yeah? And if you know me right, I have always been ready to take a little adventure trip every now and then, you know just to relax.
I’m also that kinda-person who thinks that almost anything in life doesn’t happen by accident. Maybe that’s one of the reasons behind this anxiousness-giving need of mine to write these inpure thoughts on paper. It’s only three weeks until I leave and I don’t speak German even a word and don’t have an apartment there or flight tickets or anything and I don’t seem to worry about that so much. More I worry about my ableness to work 40 hours a week and score some high-class narcotics in there. Nice company accepted too, of course. I’m getting tired so I’m finishing now, after all it was much greater and longer start than I thought when I started writing. Get back soon.
19th Of November 2015 (After the Paris terrorist-attacks)
If you don’t think up your own mind, someone’s surely gonna do it for you!
All the shit I have had to go through made me seriously doubt the goodness in world and for years I was sure that it was just bullshit that didn’t really exist. Now, I’ve become this hippie kinda-person who sees good in every person he and this has caused me a great conflict; satisfaction and same time terrible toughts.
I just wanna say that now-to-think all that shit in my past; I have seen so many times love have a win over hate, good have the win over bad that I got to believe in love and goodness. I’m not talking about Hollywood bullshit kinda romantic love, I’m talking about the love towards your neighbor — the most beautiful universal thing that combines even all the major religions around the world. It’s so sad that throughout the history of religions the fanatics always have forgotten that most important lesson, just because they think they are closer to God and by his will justified to do all these terrible acts towards their fellow brothers. I wish someone reminded them that pride is still a sin of death, and the salary for that ain’t even close to what it would be like to fuck seventy-two virgins in the paradise under the eyes of almighty Allah.
Only one week from now and I’m spending my first night at my new hometown. I don’t have an apartment yet, but I have at least one appointment about apartment on my arriving day, luckily I get the apartment very same day. Maybe I should be more nervous about all this, but somehow I’m not and it has made me think that am I even realizing what’s going to happen. I have been pretty straight now, but have been kidding in my mind that I’ll be with some hooker sniffing gasoline from the canister in my 20 square meter apartment on Christmas Eve in Frankfurt or something at least desperate. Tough times call for rough highs, right?
