Rules For Dating My Sister

Yeah yeah. I know after reading these rules, the question on the mind of all the perverted young men is, “do you keep all these rules when dating other people’s sisters?” The answer is no. Not my fault. Their indifferent brothers didn’t make any rules for me to follow. I make rules, if you won’t follow, just scram. There are so many ways to hurt you without actually hitting you myself. You don’t wanna confront me.

Let’s go straight to the rules. If you are offended by the first paragraph of this article, now is the time to stop reading. Nice not knowing you. By reading past this second paragraph, you actually have to follow these rules succinctly to letter if you want my blessing. Bear in mind my blessing is very important to your relationship (if it will ever happen) very very very important.

  1. If and when you meet my sister, ask her to bring you to me straight up. You don’t want me catching you doing kurukere with her, if you are unfortunate and I do, may the good Lord help you situation.2. At our first meeting, you will be given a simple form to fill. Your name, your parents house address, Pastor/Imam’s phone number and the best time to meet with them to ascertain your behaviour.
  2. 3. You do not touch my sister in my presence. You may glance at her, so long as you do not ogle at anything below her neck (by the way, she has a nice neck). If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my sister’s body, I will remove them. If I can’t, I will get someone to.

4. Ex-convicts can’t date my sister. If you are one don’t bother showing up. If you dress like one (sagging you trousers ) you will be treated the same respect I accord ex-convicts. And I have none for them.

5. Please don’t be offended. If your hair-cut seems like that of the castrated slaves of the Alaafin of Oyo, don’t bother putting in effort. You will meet a stone wall.

6. Don’t bother trying to impress me. Don’t break your neck trying to be friends with me. I will never like you. Not even if your father is the Pope of the Catholic Church. Not even if you satisfy all my rules. If you try too hard to make me like you, that’s an offence. Sorry.

7. I support Liverpool F.C of England. My team isn’t doing well at the moment and I am very sure you support Chelsea, Arsenal or worse still Manchester United. Leave your jersey, sarcasm and your smart ass comments about the issues affecting my team at the gate of your house. I don’t like you. Don’t make me not like you more.

8. My sister won’t be sleeping with you during the course of your date. You are only permitted to sleep with her after you both get married. Don’t get any ideas in your head. If you make any attempt to get her to have sex with you, catching an STD or even AIDS will be the least of your problems (Interpret that how you will).

9. It is bad luck for your name to be good luck or anything that contains good or luck for that matter. If you or your parents have any ties with the PDP, kindly inform me on time. Thank you very much.

10. I have no doubt in my mind that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my sister. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my beautiful sister, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. (Yes this is a threat)

11. Do not lie to me. I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. I own your ass till my sister is finished with you. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God. I have a friends who know people who can beat the black off your face without me getting indicted.

12. There is a reason why it is a taboo for my friends date my sister. I can’t hurt my friends even if they end up hurting my sister. I wish I could say the same about you but well……….

13. You will accept my friend request on facebook. We will follow each other on twitter. You will be on my blackberry messenger list. There are only three pictures you can use as you display picture and avatar yours, my sisters and any of your other friends (male). Apologies to your other female friends on my behalf. If you have a ‘2go’ account, delete it. We all know its the only “online brothel of life”. Till the time my sister finishes with you, I own your life. You don’t breath without my approval, you are not allowed to be happy except I think you should be. When my sister is happy, you will be. When she sad, you should be in tears.

14. Till the night of your wedding with my sister (if that ever happens) The following places are not appropriate for a date with my sister:

— Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden chair.

— Places where there are no pastors, parents or old women within eyesight.

— Places where there is darkness.

— Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.

— Places where the temperature is warm enough to influence my sister to wear shorts or tank tops.

15. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Be very very afraid.

There is tendency to have a problem with one or two of the rules outlined. No hard feelings. Just move on. Afterall, there are many fishes in the river. So many indifferent elder brothers are abound this days. Goodluck in your search.

However, if you can fulfill all of the rules stated above, you can marry my sister. Then, you are qualified to read my document on “Now That You Have Married My Sister”. Have a nice day and God bless you.

Follow the Brother on twitter @Dolusegun