Psychosis, Spiritual Awakening, or Dis Ni**a Just Cray? (Part 1)

D. Paul
D. Paul
Jul 27, 2017 · 4 min read
Einstein may have dealt with issues of mental wellness.

Part 1: Sinking into the Abyss.

My life had been going perfect, or at least I thought it had been. To the outside or untrained observer, this also seemed to be the case. I was an MBA student at Duke University, a top 15 institution of higher learning, working towards my third degree. Prior to Duke, I had spent time in the Education arena, teaching high school math in Brooklyn, New York and Shanghai, China.

It all happened so fast. After what seemed to be a challenging, but not too stressful summer management internship in South Carolina, I was on my way back to Durham to hang out for a bit before engaging in some light traveling that would set me up for the start of what would have been my final year of the MBA program.

Duke Fuqua Admissions Event in NYC (Fall 2015)

The final few weeks of the internship, I noticed myself having bizarre thoughts. My mind wandered. It wandered deep into mysterious and abstract spaces. I started entertaining thoughts about the Universe that had never come across my mind. I started to see new perspectives to things and my vision became choppy. I felt Godlike, as if I had control over all of my surroundings, both people and things. I was also eating less, but I thought nothing of it since it was summer (people tend to eat less in the summer), and I had lost 10 pounds in a matter of a few days.

I was in the midst of a psychotic break. My final day in South Carolina, a Friday, I prepared for the lengthy drive to NC. I had breakfast with a friend who I had met through the internship. We then parted ways and soon after, I got on the highway…It started again. I started imagining things and my vision again got choppy. I had hit this plateau of euphoria and boy, did it feel good. I was on the highway “bugging out,” sending, what looking back was, ridiculous yet frightening Snaps to my friends. My conscious mind still thought nothing of the matter and I attested it to my being hype off the Migos song playing on the radio.

Flash lightbulb idea came across my mind: “There’s a Grits & Biscuits event this Sunday in Charlotte, I should go! Who cares that I have nothing set for accommodations?! I’m DP, I’ll figure it out. I always do,” me reassuring myself that everything was ok. Clearly, I was manic. An hour and $449 later (the cost of my hotel stay), I prepared for bed. I started receiving text messages from friends which felt both threatening and very real. It was as if everyone was scheming to frame or murder me. For the next day or so I was on guard, paranoid of my every interaction with people in a city that I was not too familiar with. “What if he’s in on it? What if she’s in on it, I thought? That Uber driver can’t be trusted.”

Schizophrenia cannot be understood without understanding despair. — R.D. Laing

I had made such a scene, especially on social media that friends and acquaintances started reaching out to me, to look out for me. I was even wary of their contact. In hindsight, I am thankful for Facebook and Snapchat, or should I say Snap, two social media outlets that alerted my friends and family to my poor state of health. Shortly after, a Duke classmate sent over an Uber and had the service take me from Charlotte to Duke Medical Center (about a 2 hour ride and thank you again to my classmate. Who knows what would have happened next). Upon arrival, I was instituted into a mental ward, a very traumatic experience that I believe no one should have to go though and I hope to expand on that in Part 2.

The truth is, I had always been “crazy,” or had a non-convergent way of viewing the world, and I had subtly been taught by my parents, schooling, and society to hide this great part of me. A lot of people think I have switched up or changed after the event. In actuality, I am more comfortable with my (crazy) self. Personally, I think many mental wellness issues are instigated by design but I won’t get into that today.

I would not dare to say that there is a direct relation between mathematics and madness, but there is no doubt that great mathematicians suffer from maniacal characteristics, delirium, and symptoms of schizophrenia. — John Forbes Nash, Jr.

After about 10 days in the hospital, I was finally “given permission” to leave that jail of a place. My mom and sister flew up to Durham to accompany me to my hometown, Fort Lauderdale. I was excited to get over this small hiccup in the road. Classes would be starting up in a month and I would have more than enough time to chill out.

As the days started to go by, I found myself dissociating more and more…I could not understand why this was happening…

To Be Continued…

D. Paul

Written by

D. Paul

Thoughtful Controversial Topics and Sometimes Enligtening.

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