Why Successful Men of Color Date Outside of Their Race

I’ll be honest. The title of this post is mostly a click bait trap and is also (like the rest of the post) a big, though not huge, generalization. (I.e. there are men of color who are checking for darker women and there are also many brown and black folks who do not fit the tropes that are about to be described). And honestly, this piece could have been titled Why Any Successful Non-White Person Dates Outside of Their Race. It appears that some people are more willing to go outside of their original culture and pick up parts of the newer culture while still maintaining a sense of heritage. I will mostly use my experiences, observations, and conversations with other Black folks to expound on this idea.
The crux of this article is that slavery among other variables (the media, Hip Hop culture, etc.), all of which are leveraging our dark History, has skewed our minds as to what a real Black man looks like and that this is especially evident in the South and other under resourced regions. The lack of public Black male role models outside of entertainment and sports also contributes to this phenomenon. Therefore, many Black women end up idealizing over and dating Black men who are not emotionally mature to be in a productive relationship.
Insecure as a Case Study of Black Dating
Imagine Tasha (which just so happens to be the character name from on the HBO hit show Insecure). Tasha grew up seeing a lot of Black role models in various industries. (Oprah, Trya Banks, Serena Williams, Condeliza Rice are just a few Black women who are the epitome of Black woman success). Therefore, it is easier for Tasha to find someone she identifies with and to visualize herself reaching such success measures. Likewise, you have more Black men (irregardless of social background) who aspire to marry these types of women.
Let’s analyze. We talked about Black female role models but we have not yet talked about Black male role models. What positive Black male role models do we have in Black History outside of entertainment and sports (that have not been killed, imprisoned, or exiled)? The ones we do have have typically exhibit a machismo character. So not only do we have young Black men who are aspiring to be like these figures but you also have Black women who come to believe that this is how solid Black men should be.
And then you have your Davids. From a media influenced woman, David is funny, kinda corny and a little weird but at the same time intellectually smart, and confident in his “weirdness.” 7 out of 10 times, Tasha will pass up on David for the egocentric male. It’s not that David does not have an ego, it’s that he is aware of it, and does his best not to play to it.
I am David, and I am tired of seeing winy Tasha’s who claim that they cannot find a good Black man. This is why I quit Insecure after one season. To be fair, I have not watched Insecure since Season 1 and don’t plan to start it up again. Please let me know if I am making a life regretting mistake.
Black women in places where cultural and social differences are less celebrated are more narrow minded compared to Black men when it comes to dating. Again, I blame (a lot of) it on the media.
David’s Story & Early Dating Life
I grew up in South Florida. Naturally good at school, I was afforded the opportunity to get a scholarship to a top liberal arts school in New England. Afterwards, I gained a role as an Educator in Brooklyn, New York working with students from underprivileged kids. Interesting enough, to my students, I was also an anomaly. (How many Black men teachers do you know who enjoy skiing, EDM, and also basketball? Not nearly enough.)
Prior to starting business school, I had had the opportunity to teach math in Shanghai, China. These privileged experiences have shaped and widened my perspective, and meeting dozens of women from many backgrounds, I have learned overtime what are my nonnegotiable and traits draw me. If anyone knows me, I am the biggest culture buff, never passing up on the chance to make comparisons and contrasts on cultural and gender differences in different environments that may on the surface look different but in actuality have a lot of commonalities. Think Venn Diagram.
I apologize. I tend to go on long tangents (but I will bring it all together, or at least do my best to ->Scatterbrain). I am not going to front and act like I was not wounded by Black women growing up in South Florida. Many were not checking for me. I did not the stereotypical Black man. Thank you to the few who did. (Ms. K. Stephenson, get at me. LOL). As a young kid, I did not understand the fact that I harbored some ill towards Black women. Call me Kodak Black, to a very small extent. I’m sure some Black women reading this are starting to think to themselves, “He just the ni**a that mad cuz he couldn’t get none.” Far from the truth.
In my college years, when I lived in a completely different environment (think Brunswick, Maine), I did have potential Black prospects but I didn’t pay them any mind. Looking back, I realize that I had projected my past experiences onto these college women who had completely different values than the women from my South Florida past. What values am I speaking of?

Every year: Come Memorial Day weekend in South Florida, we have what is called “Urban Weekend.” Yes. The marketing of the holiday weekend should raise a few eyebrows. Here is how it typically plays out:
Shallow girls (and the South Florida culture can be quite shallow) with area codes from all over the TriCounty (561, 954, and 305), get all dressed up to peacock on Miami Beach and attract attention from well to do men. These girls have been taught that beauty alone can buy Life in a well wrapped Package. Men who don’t have the actual resources, go out of their way to pretend to be ballin.’ In other words, it is trickin’ if you ain’t got it. You can find them pooling funds together to get a nice rental car to “go stunt” on Collins Ave, going to the Armani Exchange store to get an outfit that they plan on returning, and/or borrowing bling from their homeboys that is shinier than their teeth. Of course, this is not just a Black American phenomenon; however, it seems that this is a central behavior in our culture compared to most.
I relay my adolescent experiences and Urban Weekend in Miami to demonstrate the differences in mindsets between actual successful people and not so successful people. Personally, I find that nonBlack women on the whole are more likely to invest in intelligent Black men. Hence, I am no longer surprised when a Black man is involved with someone from outside of his race.
It is as if most Black women (and other narrowminded women) have grown accustomed to the Black thug or macho character, the one who never shows his feelings and does not know how to show vulnerability (a perpetual result of slavery if you ask me). This caricature is what attracts Black women. This hyper masculine man, a cover for low self esteem, is unfortunately considered normal. (Yes. Black men have issues, too and we have been made more than aware as mainstream society has viciously beaten that dead horse, literally). Anything other than this “sadly yet truly emasculated” figure presented figure is not average and is threatening to both Black women and even Black men. I am not saying that a man should walk around with his emotions on his sleeve but there is something to be said about balance: the ability to show emotion when needed and connecting with your partner beyond the physical level. However, in man culture, especially Black man culture, we are taught that this is unacceptable. And women, even educated women have fallen to believe the same thing, too. Based on some personal research, this is not only psychologically limiting but also damaging. Black men are human, too.
“Bad girls ain’t no good, and the good girls ain’t no fun. And the hood girls want a smart nigga, college girls all want a thug.” -Wale lyrics in “Bad” featuring Tiara Thomas
Back to Reality
Going to business school in North Carolina, I found myself back in a similar bubble, one that I thought I had long escaped. Business school in the South? Think unquestioned stereotypes and traditions. (Note: Durham, North Carolina is a dope small city and is not representative of the culture at Duke University’s Fuqua School of Business, the program that I have taken a leave of absence from). Certain stereotypes that I thought I had long outgrown but never fully addressed were being projected onto me from people from all backgrounds. I did not know how to deal, literally.
After coming back to Florida after a mental wellness issue, I was able to make sense of my entire past, mostly; I am forever reflecting. (See: Psychosis, Spiritual Awakening, or Dis Ni**a Just Cray? (Part 1)). The reality of it is, I had grown comfortable with progressive spaces (Maine, NYC, Shanghai) that for the most part, accepted the quirks that I brought to the table, and perhaps I had even forgotten my Southern ratchet roots. (Note: Southern ratchet and Northern ratchet are very, very contrasting cultures. There’s nuances (levels) to this. Midwest ratchet and West Coast ratchet, I did not forget about y’all. Look to expound more soon.)
That’s not to say that there are not racist people or Black women who fit the narrow-mindedness stereotype in Northeast or well to do cities, but the majority of people, and therefore Black women as well, are more accepting in these locations. Living in these environments allowed me to challenge my ideas of Blackness and gender, and I reconciled my past, mostly resolving my bias towards Black women. (Kodak Black, if I can, you can overcome as well!)
Others Feel this Way, Too
This blog post idea was already on my mind, for, being back in my hometown in a clear mental state has made me become more aware of the different social dynamics at play. I was further inspired by my Facebook friend Shawn, to expedite it after his 1am post:

In a comment, I told Shawn, that he should travel elsewhere to meet Black women who are more open minded. While there are some here in Broward County (who are not already snatched up), they are far and few, and hiding out somewhere, perhaps having similar thoughts about the disillusioned Black men here.
Most of the feedback and comments in on his post were from Black men and women, as well as folks from other races who sympathized about being excluded from their respective cultures for not fitting the stereotypes. In Black culture, Black intellectuals and weirdos are victimized at a higher rate than others. (See Colin Kaepernick). Furthermore, Black women are given much more leeway than Black men to be quirky and “interesting” because of gender stereotypes. A product of continued psychological oppression through the media; I believe this phenomenon is exacerbated in the South, conservative cities, and other small towns, where access to cultural resources are (purposely?) limited.
I want to remind myself and my audience, that I do hold a privileged perspective. Not every Black person, or person in general, has had the opportunity to travel and experience many different environments. But there’s something to be said about that. While individuals are accountable for their selves and action, society and government plays a role in this. I do believe that the Northeast and other parts of the country are spoiled. They have more resources and better Education as a whole, and minority folks are more able to take take advantage of the public goods and cultural resources that are less present or made known of in conservative spaces.
Now What?

Who would I be if I brought up an issue and not bring possible solutions to the table? I commend and am inspired by programs such as #BlackGirlsCode, #BlackGirlsRun, and other programs that aim to break the stereotypes around Black culture. This said, I would definitely like to see more programs geared towards poor Black men of color that celebrate uniqueness and joy especially in the Southeast part of the country where it is heavily lacking. Currently, I am working on a program that not only attempts to promote technical and engineering skills in Black communities, but also soft skills that help us reevaluate what solid community relationships look like between folks of all backgrounds. If anyone wants to help, link me. Stay tuned.
(And for the record, I am open to dating anyone. But I’m not about to force it based on external markers.)
Yours truly,
Snap/IG: @djdpaully
LinkedIn.com/in/dpaul3
#BlackBoyJoy. :)
