A Long, Long Day in the Life of the Trumps

Who the hell starts off a speech to the Boy Scouts by saying, “who the hell wants to speak about politics when I’m in front of the Boy Scouts?” Who the hell do you think?
For help, I found an article in Scouting Magazine with advice to scout masters on this very thing. Here’s the first one: “Take the boys aside and have a Scoutmaster conference. Let them know this is not acceptable. Remind them that ‘A Scout is Clean’ means more than just physically clean.”
By the way, they only use initials in Scouting Magazine and this advice which I pass on to President Trump, who never was a scout, was signed by, and I kid you not, Kirkland, Ill. Troop Committee Member S.S. Who knew Steve Bannon worked with scouts in Kirkland, Illinois?
Here’s another from troop committee chair P.K. in Leonardtown, Maryland: “I usually let my guys know their language is offensive by saying, ‘Excuse me. What did you say?’ The annoyed, eyebrow-raised look seems to work well, too. It may not stop them totally, but they don’t use such language in front of me again.”
Yeah, don’t know about that. Half the country has been giving him that look for 6 months. Doesn’t seem to make a dent.
Scoutmaster B.G. in Willoughby, Ohio, a town with the same name as a place for the dead in a famous Twilight Zone episode, says:
Consistency through example and explanation has been helpful in our unit. Over the years, our adult Scouters have worked hard to set the example in both language and action. This has filtered into the actions of our junior leaders and the troop as a whole. When a young Scout uses inappropriate language, we’ll quickly remind him that “with more than 250,000 words in the English language” he can find a more appropriate way to express himself.”
I don’t know. Can we expect Presidents to set an example? After Clinton I started hiding cigars from the kiddos, and Clinton was a scout. So was George W. Bush, and I made him give back his finding-weapons-of-mass-destruction merit badge. And yes, I know that scouts — who are at least 11 years old — have probably heard hell before, and probably worse when dad or mom got cut off on the interstate. If they listened to the man who is now our president, they heard the F word during the campaign as well, so I’m almost grateful he kept it down to a mere ‘hell.’
That the rest of the speech was totally inappropriate as well, only proved that this was actually Donald Trump, and not Alec Baldwin punking the little punks. Trump turned the Boy Scout Jamboree into Trumpapalooza, going on about loyalty — he means you Jeff Sessions — who is now 20,000 beleaguers under the undrained swamp. He got the kids to boo Hillary Clinton, which will earn them the sucking-up-to-Carrot-Top merit badge, and told a bunch of 11–15 year olds that quote: “his November victory was an unbelievable tribute to you and all of the other millions and millions that came out and voted for Make America Great Again.” That’s a quote…
Wait. What? So maybe there were millions of illegal voters. All of the kids he was talking to were too young to vote, but did they? He must know something to make a claim like that. After all, he’s the President of the United States. He then told these children that Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price needed to get West Virginia Senator Shelley Moore Capito to vote to repeal Obamacare and hurt the people of her state who depend on it for health insurance or he would fire Price. He laughed. Maybe he was joking or maybe it was that Dr. Evil from Austin Powers laugh that made us all wonder.
And that was only part of the day. Congress-thing from Texas, Republican Blake Farenthold, said — and again I say ‘and I quote,’ because as clunky as that is, the difference between real life and The Onion is now paper thin — “it is absolutely repugnant that some female senators from the Northeast are a roadblock to the GOP,” passing whatever the hell it thinks it’s passing: an Obamacare repeal, or a kidney stone. I’m not sure and neither are they. He went on, as even Obamacare does not insure you for diarrhea of the mouth: “If it was a guy from south Texas, I might ask him to step outside and settle this Aaron Burr style.” So disagree about taking health insurance away from what the Congressional Budget Office says would be 32 million people and Blake Farenthold will shoot you just like Burr did that guy on the $20 bill. Hey, maybe he would challenge a woman to a duel as well, but read something about some woman named Annie Oakley, and maybe she’s out there somewhere. Y’know, playing cards with Frederick Douglass.
So, Susan Collins, let this be a warning: if you had a nut sack you’d be killed by a nutcase, you repugnant-collection-of-Medicaid-loving-lady-parts-with-blood-coming-out-of-your-wherevers.
Next, John McCain, who seems to be fully ambulatory despite losing-GOP-primary-candidate Kelli Ward volunteering to shovel dirt on his face, is in Washington, whether to bring sanity or whether to vote to repeal Obamacare, not clear as he left. It would be an irony if a wealthy man worth millions because of the hard work that went into marrying a woman who inherited a beer distributorship, votes against the Affordable Care Act as he fights cancer. McCain’s Congressional health insurance is paid 80% by taxpayers. Again, he’s a multi-millionaire. His party wants to take away a 50% federal subsidy for poor and lower-middle class Americans. So the middle class pays 80% of his insurance, along with every other member of Congress, but they don’t like paying half of yours. I mean, they’re important, right? We don’t want them getting sick. That would be terrible. If you get sick, well, as Donald Trump might tell the Boy Scouts, who the hell are you?
And then — and this is all in one day — we learn that Jeff Sessions, who has taken — according to Trump — a VERY weak position on Hillary Clinton, might be replaced by either Rudy Giuliani or Ted Cruz. Earlier, Donald Trump called the ranking Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee, Adam Schiff, sleazy. So Trump, the man who invited his wife and mistress on the same ski vacation, is thinking of fighting sleaze by hiring Rudy Giuliani, the man who let his wife find out he was divorcing her by holding a publicly-televised news conference while his wife and kids watched on TV at the New York City mayoral home, Gracie Mansion. Or it could be Cruz, whose first job will be, after firing Robert Mueller, to look into the role his own dad played in assassinating JFK. Then, he might get around to investigating why he is still with a wife Trump decided was ugly. By the way, would you work for a man who called your spouse ugly? Ted Cruz might. ‘Hey, c’mon honey. It’s Attorney General of the United States. I mean if you can’t sell out your own wife, who can you sell out? Dad. Yeah. The American people? Done and done and done.’ Hell, that idiot Farenthold is willing to have a duel over a lousy vote. You would think for accusing his dad of committing murder and his wife for being murder on Trump’s eyeballs, Cruz would be ready to bayonet the guy, much less become the next loyalty bachelorette.
And then there’s Jared Kushner. So let me get this straight. This is the guy in charge of reorganizing government, but he claims he never read the email that was the only reason he was even at the meeting with Donald Jr., Manafort, Boris and Natasha, which clearly said it was about getting dirt on Hillary from the Russians. This is the guy who is in charge of Mideast diplomacy who says he didn’t remember the Russian ambassador’s name or what he looked like after meeting him. This is the guy who is charge of telling the President what is going on in the world, who now blames an aide for not correctly filling in federal paperwork that could land someone in prison for lying on it or being purposely misleading. This is the man in charge of much of American diplomacy on issues like Syria who says now he was too inexperienced to know that meeting with Sergey Gorkov, head of a Russian bank directly affected by the sanctions, was maybe kinda suspicious looking.
His plea of innocence, at least in his publicly-released pleading before he went, still not under oath, into the Charlie Rich Memorial Behind Closed Doors Testimony Room, is that he is just a doofus who doesn’t know much about the things he has been put in charge of, can’t remember what the Russian Ambassador looks like, doesn’t research who he is meeting with, and lacks the experience to have any intent, good or bad of any kind. That’s his defense. Oh, and he signs things without reading them. Just have an assistant push something in front of me and I’ll sign it. Jared Kushner’s defense is he is the living, breathing epitome of Governor Le Petomane in Blazing Saddles, who also signed anything given him by Hedy…sorry….Hedley LaMarr; Le Petomane being a character named for a famed French vaudevillian who could fart into an ocarina placed in his anus and play the French national anthem. If that isn’t a symbol of this administration, I don’t what is.
Kushner is also brave. Having claimed he never read the email that had him at the Russian Meeting, and that he left because he decided it was a waste of his valuable time, he sticks that meeting on Donald Jr. and Paul Manafort. Tag, you’re whatever the meaning of It, is.
Kushner says he did not collude with a foreign government. Given this remarkably ridiculous story where he goes to meetings with people he doesn’t know and not knowing the topic and not having so much as read the email that brought him there, I almost believe he could not collude. After hearing his explanations for showing up at odd places with unknown people for no known reason, I’m wondering if he could collude with a barista to order a latte at Starbucks.
One thing we know for sure. The Trump administration, which claimed there were no meetings with Russians, lied. Kushner admits to four, even though he was apparently beamed into them by Scotty who was futzing with the transporter, which might explode captain if it has to take any more of this crap.
Maybe while Donald Trump was with the Scouts, someone should have made him take the scout oath: To help other people at all times; To keep myself physically strong, mentally awake and morally straight.
Oh wait. I have to go. Jared Kushner just walked in. ‘Hi, can I help you? Do you know why you’re here? Do you know who I am? Will you remember this meeting when asked about it in the future? Did you read the email? Did you read the papers you signed and brought me? Have a seat, son. You seem a bit out of it. Perhaps a case of early onset stupid.’
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