NET NEUTRALITY: WHAT IS IT? WHY IS IT? IM SCARED

If you’re like me (handsome and the best rapper alive), you’ve no doubt been hearing a lot of hubbub in the so called “news” “papers” about Net Neutrality. No doubt you are very scared. This scaredness is probably why all those schoolchildren laughed at you and put ketchup in your hair on the bus and you showed up to the job interview crying and the interview guy threw his gyro at you and called you “pita baby”. But all that is behind you now. You’re going to learn all about Net Neutrality and the next time you see those children you’ll be brave enough to hit them with your car. THEN who will they throw ketchup on? The devil is who. From being dead.

STEP ONE: THE “INTER” NET

One hundred years ago in 1985, Rory “Duane” Internet, the president of computers, had an idea. What if there was two computers taped together? Why, they’d be twice as powerful! This idea met the needs of a nation. Hopped up on synth music and filling their dicks with cocaine so they could do more stock market, they were too busy screaming with joy and cutting their hair like dépêche mode to look to the future. However, by 2007, the old system had become obsolete. Hulk Hogan was no longer president due to racisms and baldness and the world cried out for more. Rory saw this need and, not unlike ANOTHER technology genius (Jesus), soothed the wounds of a needy universe. Taping a third and final computer to the initial two, he created what is known as the internet. Have you ever wondered where your favorite things such as “porn” and “a dog acting like it’s a guy” come from? That’s right. Internet. That’s really not that hard a concept and I shouldn’t have to tell you this. Me and your mother work very hard to put all manner of beans and carbonated milk on the table so the least you could do is not be so stupid. If you don’t bring these grades up you’re going to go live with grandma. No, the dead one. Oh, look who’s listening now!

STEP 2: COMPANIES

Initially, the “Net” (as it is called in Hollywood) was a wild place full of freedom. You could say “You know who fucking sucks is the Goo Goo Dolls” and everyone would send you money for being correct and nobody from the Goo Goo Dolls Crime Family would come burn down your house and shoot you. Obviously things have changed since then. Companies such as PEPSI and whoever made all those Tae-Bo DVDs soon got horny for a piece of the action. They too wanted moneys. Need proof? Go to any website. See how white-hot, boiling pepsi is pouring out of your computer, scalding your children and hands? Forget it, Sandra Bullock, its Pepsitown. All in all, though, this is a very small price to pay for wild, unfettered access to LadiesWearingTopHatsAndThrowingCrackersAtEachOtherAndScreamingAndSteppingOnTheCrackersAndThenAGuyDressedLikeAClownComesAndRollsAroundInTheCrackerPowder.com. That is of course…until now.

STEP 3: OH SHIT

See, a bunch of nerds called “the government”, furious with never having had sex, are now plotting to team up with these “companies” in order to FURTHER restrict your access to hot action (or “how to tell what horses to buy” or whatever dork loser shit YOU do. You make me sick). What does this mean for you? Why is it always about you? Maybe I was just trying to tell a nice story. Well you’ve ruined it now, now I’m not going to. I hope this eats at you for the rest of your ugly stupid life.

STEP 4: THE UNNEUTRAL BLE LIGHTNESS OF BING

If Net Neutrality gets struck down, some or all of the 5 websites that comprise the internet could be affected. In today’s world, when you’re hungry, you simply visit Dinner.com to download a hearty meal while classical music plays and a hand comes out of the computer to tousle your hair and gently reprimand you for being a scamp. As part of “THE NEW WAY”, if the site hasn’t paid The Internet Mafia a protection fee, it’s a much bigger ordeal. No longer as simple as steeling your withered fingers into tapping the “download” button while vomiting from starvation, you’ll be forced to answer numerous questions about whether or not you did your homework. Next, police officers will be dispatched to your home address to smell your mouth for lies and to determine whether or not you’re pure of heart . Should you manage to pass these trials and bribe the cops into leaving, your dinner will arrive IN THE MAIL within 6 to 8 weeks. Plus also now its not food its spiders.

STEP 5: WHAT IF THE SPIDERS ARE RUDE TO MY WIFE?

Fuck you mean “what if”?? Have you not been paying attention? Anyway also the spiders have tattoo guns but they don’t clean them so probably you get hepatitis.

STEP 6: SHOULD I THROW MY COMPUTER IN THE OCEAN?

Yes. The computer, and all your money and family. It’s the only way. The Hackers will be here soon. They’ve taken all the pictures of your grandchildren and they’ve printed them out to make fun of. “That’s a dumb sweater” they said. The guy you like from NCIS tried to stop them but they were too strong even for his gentle yet firm brand of leadership. Net Neutrality (or “The Neutch”) is dying. Maybe if you had been nicer to it we could have done something. But you wanted to play your Mario’s Brother activity cartridge and now we’re all going to die. When we do, I’m going to tell everyone how its your fault and about the time you threw up from eating all the peanuts you found. I told you to at least wash them. But you were SO smart. Well now you’re dead. I hope you’re happy.