How to Get Rich and Famous as a Feminist

If you’re anything like me, or anything like a normal person, you don’t hate women. You’re not a sexist, despite the cries of the women you have engaged with on Twitter and the street. You’re reasonable. You’re logical. And like any reasonable and logical person, you have to make a living. In the modern feminist era of 2016, there are many new avenues to financial success. Allow me to uncover it for you.

The first part is the easiest: get famous. There are many ways to do this. The simplest method is to have been a child actor on a beloved 90s show that makes a completely unnecessary reboot 20 years later, when its target audience is no longer interested for any reason other than nostalgia and irony. The next best way is through YouTube.

YouTube allows anyone to be the star of their own show. All you need is your parents to buy you a web-cam, at least three subscription boxes to be the subject of unboxing videos, and a catchphrase. The catchphrase is the most important but most difficult component. Examples include “ay carumba” (that little Simpson bastard) “hey hey hey” (Fat Albert, Matthew McConaughey, Robin Thicke). Anything along those lines will do, as long as its short and repeatable.

Once you have that down, all you need is 500,000 followers. This can easily be purchased from a click farm in Malaysia. Once you have these followers, you will catch the eye of the public. People will see your account and wonder what the big deal is. And then they’ll follow you. Even better, the people you hired from Malaysia from the clicks will get curious, and they’ll follow you from their personal accounts too. Twice the followers! You’re already over a million.

You may be asking yourself: this guy is a total jamoke! I’ve read paragraphs of this bullshit and not a single thing he’s said would make me money. I’ve only spent money on Malaysian click farms! This is, frankly, dissatisfying! To which I say, fair. But to quote the Black Eyed Peas, let’s get it started in here. And to quote the lads from the Jersey Shore, its t-shirt time.

T-Shirts are what I like to call the wearable memoir. What a book tells in hundreds of boring pages, a shirt can represent in one phrase. If you have ever been to a boardwalk or any one of the best shops in our nation, you know what I mean. Be it “Cool Story Babe, Now Make Me a Sandwich” or “If You See the Police, Warn a Brother,” the world is ripe with t-shirts to indicate your personality and to be hip to the coolest trends. Taking into account the feminism trend, the best course of action is to design the coolest t-shirt you can. Put your own personal spin on “This is what a feminist looks like,” and then watch the cash roll in.

Congratulations, you are a rich and famous feminist! To keep up appearances, schedule the following tweets intermittently and consistently: “Rape culture exists” (unsure what this is, but it’s a hit), “73 cents on the dollar is bad and real” (ditto) and “I watch Broad City” (chick show). Also feel free to retweet Matt McGorry as much as possible. That’s a golden ticket.

Now obviously, you don’t have to believe in any of this stuff for it to make you money. But it’s important that you look the part. For your own safety and security, keep your compliments and opinions to the DMs. For some reason, that always comes back to bite you.