I Don’t Have a Small Penis But I’m Offended By the Statue of Donald Trump

Much ado has been made about the statues of Donald Trump, Republican nominee for President. These statues, widely considered poignant performance art, feature the man in the nude, with a below-average-sized penis. Presumably, this is a comment on his arrogance, purporting that it is compensating for aspects of his person that may be less than grand.

However pompous and abhorrent Trump may be, shaming his penis size is not the right way to go about displaying this. There is nothing shameful about having a small penis. While of course I do not know this first-hand, I can safely and surely say that penis size has no correlation to the quality of a person.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should reveal that I have not seen any of these statues in person, despite my proximity to one of their places of assembly (now, I could have said “place of erection,” but this election should not be about penises in any way, so I didn’t). I was busy in my apartment, taking a shower and taking care of my body, which includes size 12 shoes, and hands that definitely would not fit the gloves from the OJ trial, and other similarly-scaled organs that won’t be mentioned, because I am a gentleman. Not that any of my body matters, because it is private, and also normal.

If you ask anyone on the street what they think is the size of the average penis, they will likely answer between 6 and 8 inches. They also will be confused, but if you tell them you’re Billy Eichner taping “Billy on the Street,” they’ll probably go with it. In fact, the average erect penis size is closer to 4 inches. When your average Joe or Jane (not to mention people with other names) thinks of a 4 inch penis, they likely think of it as small. This perception is due to the standards of popular culture and pornography, and it is dangerous, because people with totally average penises are shamed into thinking they are bad people, when they are really just average people.

Does Donald Trump have a small penis? It’s totally possible. But the point is, you can’t tell that information just by looking at someone. The only way to know someone’s penis size is to take them back to their bedroom, have them remove their trousers, and then be unjustifiably disappointed in something that’s based on media standards, even though it’s plenty big enough to get the job done, and not even considering the motion of the ocean or their unparalleled digital skills.

Writer Ijeoma Oluo said the following about the statue:

If we are truly committed to fighting toxic masculinity, cis-hegemony and body-shaming we cannot tie Trump’s sexist, racist, ableist, Islamophobic, classist bullshit to his dick size.

Oluo makes a fantastic point. There are plenty of other reasons to hate Trump besides his penis, just as there are plenty of valid reasons to love somebody who has a penis that you do not find sufficient, even though you are wrong and bad.

In a word, this statue is offensive. While I in no way share a common physical feature with Mr. Trump, I consider myself an ally to the tiny-phallused. I acknowledge that I could never possibly know what they are thinking, but I think I speak for people of all penile sizes when I say that judgment is not okay. I don’t pretend to know what it feels like to have a small penis, and I won’t appropriate their culture, because that’s rude and most importantly, incorrect. It is my duty as a penis-privileged person to stand up for what is right. History will remember me as a martyr, as a hero, and as someone who does not have a small penis at all.