I Hate ‘The Big Bang Theory’ Better Than You

The other day, I was visiting my friend Cory in the hospital. He has kidney stones, and while he should be fine, he definitely needed a visit from a good pal like me. We talked for about an hour, catching up on life, his recent engagement, and the condition of his urethra. But eventually we ran out of things to talk about. Obviously not wanting to end my visit so quickly, he suggested we turn on the hospital TV and see what’s on.

We flipped the channels for a bit, past some Guy Fieri show, poker on ESPN2, and a telenovela. At one point, we also ran across some re-runs of The Big Bang Theory on TBS. Cory lingered on the show for a second or two, before switching channels and finally deciding on Family Feud.

It was bizarre. I mean, I know Cory has good taste in comedy shows. He’s a fan of 90s alternative comedy, like The State and Mr. Show. He watches Veep, Nathan for You and Broad City. He’s not some typical boring clod. And yet, his behavior suggested something frightening.

I have known people who liked the Big Bang Theory. The operative word in that sentence is “known.” I can’t be around them. I can’t talk to them. I can’t *relate* to them. It’s not good content on television, and that means it’s not good content for friendships.

Sure, he’s always said that he doesn’t like the show. But when I confronted him on his channel-linger a couple minutes later, he said, “Oh, I just wasn’t sure what it was for a second.” Do I believe him? I’m not sure. But either way, I now officially know that I hate the Big Bang Theory better than him.

And let that be a lesson to all of you. You may think you hate the Big Bang Theory. You may watch Difficult People, and Comedy Bang Bang (not to be confused with ‘The Big Bang Theory,’ which is bad), and Silicon Valley. But you don’t know shit about hating the Big Bang Theory until you also ignore everything the cast has ever been involved in. Have you seen “8 Simple Rules” with Kaley Cuoco? Or “Garden State,” with Jim Parsons? How about the short-lived reboot of “Candid Camera,” hosted by Mayim Bialik and Peter Funt (who is okay in my book, on account of him never appearing on the program ‘The Big Bang Theory’). I have never, and will never, see any of these things. I am not an extremist, I am simply the best and I have the best sense of humor.

The Big Bang Theory is all that is wrong with comedy. The laugh track, the nerd culture, the “bazooka” catchphrase. It’s shameful. Robin Williams would roll over in his grave, as would Andy Kaufman. And so will Bill Murray and John Cleese and Eddie Murphy when they die, which I hope is very far in the future because I love comedians and comedy.

One day in 2009, before it was even popular to hate The Big Bad Theory (which is what I sometimes call the program), I saw someone walking near me with a “Bazooka” shirt, or whatever that dumb word is. I went a little out of my way and spit on him and say “your choice in ‘so called comedy’ is bad.” He responded, “hey man, what the hell,” and I told him, “you’re welcome.”

I really do not want it to get to this place with Cory. He just had a fairly significant operation, and he’s in a fragile place. But just to be sure, I have attached a device to his TV and computer (I used a spare key he gave me to bring in the mail) to make sure he is kept in line. I’ll keep you all posted on his habits. In the same vein as many of my favorite comedies, this is ‘to be continued.’