“Cause You Ain’t Ask For One”

Inspired by Joshua T. Dickerson’s “Cause I Ain’t Got a Pencil”

I’m not fussing because you don’t have a pencil.

I’m fussing because you sat in the hallway staring at your blank past due work for 37 of our 50 minutes together without asking for one.

I know a pencil is the last thing on your mind.

You’re worried about your mothers’ mental health because she hasn’t been home in days.

You’re worried about your father’s drinking because he gets out of control and you have bruises you can’t hide on the outside.

You’re worried about your younger sister because your father hurts her more than he hurts you with bruises she can hide on the inside.

You’re worried about where your next meal is coming from because you have nothing to eat at home.

You’re worried about getting bullied at school because you hadn’t showered in weeks or had your uniform washed in months.

You’re worried about waking up every morning because the suicide attempt was failed and you don’t want to get out of bed and you don’t want to walk the halls of this school or sit in the desks of this classroom.

You don’t even want to be here.

So I should be happy you’re even here, right?

I am.

I’m glad you’re here.

I’m proud you’re here.

I’m here because you’re here.

But I don’t want you here.

I need you present.

What I have to offer is an escape from what life has offered you.

I’m telling you to tell me what you need.

I’m asking you to ask for what you need.

I’m begging you to beg for what you need.

I need you to need what you need.

I want you to want what you need.

But you don’t care.

You don’t see how this pencil affects your life.

Honestly, I don’t care if you don’t have a pencil.

Truly, I don’t care if you finish this homework.

I care that you articulate the fact that you need an extension because your lights were cut off.

I care that you try to help yourself instead of waiting for me to help you or anyone else for that matter.

I care that you aren’t scared or afraid to tell me how you feel instead of putting your head down and ignoring everything I say.

I know it’s not easy.

I can’t guarantee that it’ll get easier.

But I can guarantee that in life no one will give you anything.

You have to work for what you want. You have to earn what you work for.

But if someone has something to offer you have to put your pride aside and simply ask.

“Ms. Grant, may I have a pencil please?”

I have everything on my desk, including pencils. I have pencils, pencil sharpeners, color pencils, pens, highlighters, markers, crayons, notes, notepads, note cards, sticky notes, inspirational notes, paper, blank paper, college rule paper, wide rule paper, construction paper, books, old assignments, new assignments, scissors, tissue, hand sanitizer, food, snacks, candy…everything is on my desk.

Why did you waste your time by not asking me for something that I had available to give you?

I have so much to offer you.

I have so much I’m willing to give.

What I have and don’t have visible on my desk.

But I can’t give you want you don’t want.

And I understand you may not want a pencil, but you need something to write with to be successful on what was given to you.

You may not want the life you have but you can’t erase was given to you.

I asked you why you don’t have what you need and you gave me an excuse.

I told you that excuses are tools of incompetence,

You are competent.

I told you that excuses are used to build monuments of nothingness,

You will build monuments of greatness.

I told that those individuals that use excuses seldomly amount to anything,

You will amount to something.

You do amount to something.

But no one will just give you a pencil.

You have to ask.

You have to want.

You have to get.

And once you have it, you have to use it.

-D’E Grant